My "Mamm"wars: Fighting to Survive Stage 4 Breast Cancer

One year ago today I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Today, we just celebrated another wonderful Christmas, we're getting ready to host a New Years party for a small group of friends (mostly new friends we met this year..proof 2011 wasn't entirely bad), and I had a really good follow up visit with Dr. Adler on Tuesday. My blood counts were all so good that I don't have to have another draw for 6 more months. Seriously... life is SO good right now. It's really hard to comprehend all that's happened in the past 365 days. It's mindblowing. Now that I'm moving past treatment and being "sick," and once again have hair a semi decent length, I've been able to finally look back at just how scary and crazy this past year was. And it's OVER! I can cry tears of joy that 2011 is OVER... We have so much to look forward to in 2012. Matt is moving to the detective unit at work,which means a Mon-Fri gig..8-5!! A normal schedule for the first time in

I've been meaning to write for a few weeks now, but life is busy. Which is,  of course, a really good thing. A few weeks ago we celebrated Thanksgiving. This Thanksgiving was especially meaningful to me seeing as how I've realized just how much I am thankful for this year. We spent a great evening with the McNichols, but poor Matt had to work. The Monday following Thanksgiving I flew to New York to visit my relatives and show them all just how well I am doing. Spending a few days with my Grandma, my aunts, uncles and cousins was one of the highlights of my year. It once again made me realize just how lucky I am to have such wonderful people in my life. And now I'm home, and back to the hustle and bustle of the holiday season. I am so looking forward to Christmas this year. The girls are at such great ages to enjoy all of the magic of the season. Yet there is this little nagging feeling I keep getting. Exactly one year ago I was looking forward to Christmas also. We ha

Last night, as Reagan was getting dressed after her bath, she seemed to notice her nipples for the first time. She poked one, looked at me, and asked me when am I "getting these things put back on?" I was taken aback, to be honest. Not that she had realized mine were missing.. for as much as I tried to hide my new body from them, they do like to barge in on me while I'm dressing quite frequently. I was more surprised that she knew I was "getting them put back on" soon. I told her that I was having another surgery in January, and I'd be getting my nipples put on then. Then I reiterated that "they are called nipples" because we always call body parts by their correct name so I tried to look at it as a learning opportunity. But when I said "nipples" it apparently humored us both, because we both started cracking up. It was the kind of laugh that is infectious and hurts your belly - and doesn't stop for a long time. Then, she says ver

 When I talk about my cancer with people, my hair loss is inevitably brought up. And what my feelings on my hair loss are. From the second I was diagnosed, I didn't care about losing my hair. I would have given up anything I didn't NEED in order to live. Now that treatment is over, I'm fascinated by how it's growing in, what I look like, and how much fun it's going to be to experiment with short hairstyles. I'll be totally honest... in my more lucid moments, I was a bit terrified of what it was going to look like. I'm not out of the woods yet, but so far I don't think it looks half bad!!  People are constantly commenting on how I can pull the short pixie cut off. But let's be honest. What else CAN they say. Anyone would look like a giant jerk telling a woman who so recently finished cancer treatments that she looked terrible with short hair! So now I'm going to ask for feedback on what to do with it going forward. I've included three photos

I "officially" walked 8 miles over the course of the weekend. And in the process, I completed my first two cancer walks! Saturday, Colleen and I walked with my neighbors (and Reagan's classmates parents) for St. Mary's in the American Cancer Societies "Making Strides Against Breast Cancer" walk. It was a gorgeous day in Golden Gate Park, and the 4 miles weren't challenging at all! Sunday, we threw the girls in the strollers again and headed out to the Strides For Life Colon Cancer walk at Lake Merced. Let's just say that the 4 miles on Sunday were harder on Charlie than on me. She really isn't a fan of being stuck in a stroller while mommy slowly walks 4 miles. So I think I'll have to leave her home in the future. At least until she's a bit older hopefully. Although, Charlie did have a great time punching the "polyps" in the giant inflatable colon that was at the walk. Never did I think I would hear myself say "Charlie,

I thought that the end of radiation would be my last blog. And obviously for a while it was. But as I settle back into "normal" life, I've been feeling like something is missing. It took me a while to realize that I just miss writing. It keeps me level, and sane..it's my personal form of therapy. So I've decided to combine this blog with the one I used to write about the girls' antics. The past 6 weeks since radiation ended has been a whirlwind. We went on our much needed and most fabulous vacation to Disneyland and Palm Springs. The girls absolutely loved Disneyland. I'm not sure I've ever seen them so excited, or having so much fun. And during our time in Palm Springs, Matt and I were once again overwhelmed by how blessed we are to have the most amazing friends in the world. Reagan started Kindergarten in August and is loving every second of it. She's made a bunch of new friends and is learning so much. She can read more and more every week

231. That's the number of days that have passed since the fateful day I learned I had breast cancer. It seems like an eternity, and yet it seems like just yesterday. The events of that day are still so vivid. I remember answering my phone as Matt and I drove home from lunch with our friends. Even more so, I remember waltzing into my second mammogram just two days prior without a care in the world. And I remember calling Matt sobbing an hour later, incoherently telling him the doctor thinks I have cancer and that I was having an immediate biopsy. From the moment we found out, we put our nose to the grindstone and pounded this out. We met with doctors, followed the proposed protocol to a "T", suffered intense pain and sadness, and persevered. And here we are. Done. We were completely blindsided by this, and here we are- 231 days later, victorious! I keep saying "we," because even though the cancer was in my body, my entire family was affected. Without my famil

Ughhhh.... The representative for the Live Strong, Live Well program called me yesterday. Class has been cancelled. I'm sooo bummed. I knew it wasn't going to be a big class (actually, I was glad about that). But of the five of us enrolled, I was the only one that confirmed. Three people still feel "too weak" from chemo to exercise. And one person died. Yikes. Okay, yes, of course I feel sorry for whomever that was. But really.. what's up with those other 3 people?! I wanted to ask for their names and numbers and call them myself and get them to re consider. But, having just gone through the glories of chemo myself..I guess I'll cut them some slack. In my head the class was going to be a bunch of people about my age. Turns out my joke about the Zumba class at the old folks home probably hit closer to home than I thought. Anyway, I'm now enrolled in the January class. I guess it gives me something to look forward to. And... LAST treatment is tomorrow!

Over the course of this year, I've learned a lot about free programs designed specifically for cancer patients. I've taken part in a few, and dismissed others, depending on my mood. However, I'm so excited about the newest program I will begin next week. It's called Live Strong, Live Well, and it's sponsored by Lance Armstrong's LiveStrong foundation. This program is a free 12 week exercise program for cancer patients who have recently ended treatment. It's held at the YMCA, and consists of 2 personal trainers for the whole class, and unlimited access to all of the YMCA's facilities for the course of the program. We meet for 75 minutes twice a week. They usually cap the program at 15 participants, but the coordinator told me last week that my class is looking pretty small. I think this is the perfect way for me to ease back into working out. It's not like I was a Jillian Michaels before the diagnosis, but I did enjoy hitting the gym with my friend Em

After my post on Tuesday, things started to look up. Usually all it takes is a good night sleep, and I'm back on the right track. I'm sure the bitter feelings may come back at some point, but right now I'm feeling like life is sweet. My skin is still red, but it hasn't gotten any worse. The nurses keep saying that it's really not bad at all actually, and they have seen so much worse after a much shorter length of time. Good thing I've always loved lotion...my overuse of it seems to have helped me during this time! My arm is feeling better too, which is a huge relief. I also got some awesome news from my "little" brother this week. He and his gorgeous wife found out they will be having a little boy next January. A new nephew!!!! Can life get any sweeter than that?! And nothing against them at all, because of course that's fantastic news..but the BEST part of my life right now is that I only have 4 more treatments!!!!!!!! Four. I can bang that

I'm bitter today. Bitter that this has become my life and that every single day I feel some sort of pain. My arm has been hurting a lot lately. My hernia incision is hurting too. I wonder if the price of saving my life has cost me the ability to ever have a day with no pain again. Is this nerve damage ever going to heal itself?!  To top it off, radiation is finally getting the best of me. I am completely exhausted all the time, and my skin is burning. I've got a perfect red square over the whole area that's being radiated and it's getting worse by the hour today. I'm embarrassed that I cried the whole way home from radiation today. I'm bitter that this is my life. I'm bitter that this happened to me. And I'm mad at myself for feeling this way. I also thought I was over what happened last summer, but Thursday is the anniversary of my d&c. I can accept what happened, and even believe that it happening saved my life. But the events of that day are sti

Two posts in one day...a record for me! I can't believe it's 10:30 at night on August 2nd and I JUST now realized that it's AUGUST! My "active" treatment ends THIS month!!! THIS month!! Clearly I'm very excited about this - and I felt this deserves it's own post. I can't believe I'm in the final month of treatment (besides the tamoxifen of course). I think August may be my new favorite month!

I've learned this year a lot about what I can and can't do. Apparently I can undergo and recover from a double mastectomy, I can handle 8 rounds of chemo, I seem to be handling radiation okay as well. What I can't handle though, is walking the mall in 4" wedges. Reagan and I went to the mall yesterday to run some errands. I was feeling good, and thought I'd try and wear my new wedges. All of a sudden, in the middle of the mall, my ankle twists and I started falling. A normal persons reaction would be to put their arms down to brace the fall. Not me. I threw my hands up to make sure my hat stayed on. Bad enough creating a scene by falling on your face, there's no need to scare everyone with the baby bird like head of hair I've got going on now. I was a bit impressed with my thought process and cat like reflexes though. I knew I couldn't let my hat fall off, and I also knew it was going to hurt when I landed. So I twisted my body to land on my "mea

After Friday's radiation session, I am officially at the halfway point. There are moments I feel really good about this - like the end is soooo close I can feel it. And then there are moments that I feel like I want to cry because I still have 14 more sessions. Those moments are usually at the end of the week, when I'm sooo tired and worn out. But it really doesn't matter how I feel, because I have to do it regardless. Last week we made a "countdown to Disneyland" poster. Reagan puts a sticker in a square on the Mickey face we drew each night before bed. She loves the poster and gets excited each night when one more square is full, and therefore one day closer to our fab vacation. I get excited too- because I know it means one day closer to the end for me. Other than my overwhelming desire to be done with treatment, radiation is still relatively easy. It's a walk in the park compared to chemo. I get tired for about an hour after treatment every day, but us

The past few days have been full of nice surprises. Friday night I found an invitation mixed in with Reagan's schoolwork for a friend's birthday party...the NEXT day. Good thing I found it in time! We ended up all going, and having a nice time as a family, and with Reagan's friends' families. Then, we learned that my cousin Jennifer and her family had made it to California!! They are in the midst of what seems like one of the coolest vacations ever. They bought an RV and are touring the country. They arrived in the Bay Area yesterday and we had them over for dinner. It was such a fun night. I loved watching the girls play with their little cousins from NY! And I loved catching up with Jen and Gary - and hearing all about this fabulous vacation. I'm determined to do something similar when the girls are a bit older! Today was back to the grind though. I'm feeling pretty tired, but otherwise good. I even took my time getting ready today. But when I walked b

My hair is growing back!!! On my head, at least. I keep trying to not look at it and examine it every day, but it's hard when I spend so much time home alone. But there is honest to goodness hair growth going on! Sadly, I see a few gray ones in the mix. And I won't be able to dye it for at least a year (have to wait until all the chemo is totally out of my system or crazy stuff can happen with the color). Matt was joking this morning that it would be funny if my hair looks like his. Umm.. funny HOW my love?! But it was funny when we started thinking of Halloween costumes we could dress up as together.... On a more interesting note, my eyelashes and eyebrows continue to fall out. I have 2 eyelashes on my right eye, and about 6 on my left. The brows are SO bad that I had to break out the eyebrow kit I got back in February. I had a doctor appointment this morning and lost track of time. I was rushing to put my "face" on and on my way out I asked Matt how my brows looke

Yesterday was one of my worst days since chemo. I felt nauseous from mid morning on. I had to ask Matt to drive me down to radiation even. It's a good thing I did though, as soon as I got out of the car I got sick all over the hospital parking garage. Yikes!! I haven't done that in a parking lot since college.  I did learn something from my Santa Barbara days - I managed to keep my shoes and pants clean, and I didn't have to worry about holding my hair back! I'm pretty sure the maintenance guy wasn't as impressed with me as I was though.... I made it through radiation, and crawled into bed with my little barf bag when I got home. Sadly my ativan didn't work like I hoped it would. I was hoping to just sleep until this morning, but no such luck. I spiraled down into a sad, blubbering mess. All of these scary thoughts came rushing into my brain - morbid thoughts too, like what will I tell the girls if this comes back. Oh, it was bad. By 9:00 I still wasn't as

I hate vicodin. I hate being in pain. I hate that I feel like this whole year is going to waste. And, once again, I have no patience. The doctor said it would be a week before I felt better after this surgery. It's been 4 days and I'm sooo over it. It hurts if I move too fast, or in even slightly the wrong way. And by "hurt" I mean it feels like a grizzly bear is trying to rip it's way out of my belly. I promised myself I wouldn't rush this recovery. The last thing I want is to have this hernia come back. But I'm soo freaking bored. I'm tired of looking around and seeing dishes and laundry that need to be done, toys that should be picked up, and dog hair all over the floor. Granted, vacuuming usually doesn't do much about the dog hair, but at least I would FEEL like I'm doing something. I know that come next week, I'll be feeling better and be able to clean. I also know that most people would love an excuse to NOT do dishes or laundry. Bu

Well, my alien is gone. Surgery went off without a hitch...well, once the anesthesiologist was able to find a vein, that is. Chemo has apparently really thrashed my veins. The poor Dr. couldn't find anything in my left arm after trying everything - heat, smacking it, a crazy tight tourniquet, etc. Then we decided he should try the right arm, even though it runs the risk of causing me lymphedema. After four pokes, and no luck, he tried my feet. He couldn't find anything on my left leg, and finally used my right ankle. Let me tell you, and IV in the ankle may be one of the most painful things I have ever experienced. Both mentally and physically. The nurse mentioned to me that usually they only use that vein in women over 50 because after 50 it becomes much more prominent. Umm.. okay...thanks?!  Surgery took a little over an hour, I think. I woke up around 10ish to that familiar groggy, nauseous feeling. I had to wait an hour or so before they discharged me. I felt like such an

Years ago (okay, fine...decades ago) in high school some boy jokingly called me Sigourney Weaver. I don't remember all of the details of how or why that nickname came about, but it's sort of funny that she and I do have a lot in common now. Well, the Sigourney Weaver of 1997 or whenever "Aliens" came out. Bald, badass, and with an alien growing inside of us!! My alien will be removed tomorrow morning though, Thank GOD! I'm SO over having this gross bump that hurts more and more every day. The other day I couldn't even put my jeans on without it pinching my little alien baby. It turns out I'm developing a "day before surgery" routine. I go shopping. Today it was the first ever "Back to School" shopping for Reagan! She starts Kindergarten next month, so I figured we should get her some new clothes before the full effects of radiation kick in and I'm too tired. (Wait.... I don't think anything will ever make me "too tired&qu

This weekend was the 2011 Avon Walk to end breast cancer in San Francisco. A while ago I wrote about how my dad, Colleen, Jess, and Matt's cousins and aunt were all walking. I was looking forward to the walk because it would mean my chemo was over. I know my dad, Colleen and Nell (and probably all the ladies) were looking forward to it so that IT would be over! Well, we spent the past two days out there cheering them on and they all did AMAZING. My dad finished the first day in 7 hours...that's craziness! But they all were so inspiring and just phenomenal. The magnitude of the whole event really took an emotional toll on me. There were thousands of people out there walking, volunteering, and spectating. They ALL either know someone who was diagnosed with breast cancer, or WILL know someone. Maggie and Amy have done this walk 4 times now. When they started walking, they didn't personally know anyone who had breast cancer. Now they do (and not just me). It was another reali

These are the significant numbers in my life this past week. Charlie girl turned 2 on June 29th and we celebrated her birthday with a great Elmo party last Saturday. Jess helped me plan, organize, and execute the party, and I have to say..it was a huge success. The kids bounced their hearts out in the giant bounce house, tried to whack the Elmo pinata, and enjoyed lots of yummy food. I was especially happy to celebrate my baby girl's 2nd birthday. Once again I realized how lucky we were to find the cancer early and take aggressive action so that I can enjoy so many more of my girls' birthdays. 4th of July was yesterday. I've always loved the 4th of July. It's a relatively low stress holiday full of family, fun, and usually good BBQ. It's also the date Matt and I met - in the wee hours of the morning on July 4, 2000. Yesterday marked the 11 year anniversary of our fateful (and not very sober) meeting. It's strange to think about how much has happened over the p

The past week has been a whirlwind of family, friends, and a ton of fun. Chris and Hannah arrived last Wednesday and I feel like it was just action, action, action since then. The highlights of our week were Saturday's family dinner to celebrate Jay and Steph's marriage, and Sunday's 4 hour boat trip around the gorgeous SF Bay with our families and close friends. I had such an amazing weekend, with so many people that I love and couldn't have made it through the past 6 months without. It was so nice to just let loose for the first time in a very long time. I admit, I probably let loose a bit too much on Saturday..but hey, I'm entitled. (Yep, I'm going to use that excuse for as long as I possibly can.) All I know is so many of these people saw me at my lowest of lows...and now we all got to experience a wonderful high together. The whole weekend was a great celebration of family and life. And then today I came crashing back to reality. I had my planning sessi

I feel like a winning Super Bowl quarterback (without the big fat bonus though) who yells out right after the game "I'm going to Disneyland!" I just finished the toughest challenge of my life, and we are celebrating with a trip to Disneyland!! We booked it today, and Matt and I are quite possibly more excited than the girls are. I never thought I'd be the person who got excited about a family vacation to Disneyland. I mean, really..I've been to Europe a few times. I love Mexico. Matt and I went to the Cook Islands for our honeymoon. So Disneyland just never made my "top 10" places to go. But then again, I've never had an almost 5 year old and a 2 year old before. And I've never missed spending so much family time together as I have over the past few months. So not only are we going to Disneyland, but we're going to stay at the Grand Californian - cause we're fancy like that ...and mostly because we feel like we've all earned it. We

16 weeks, 8 rounds, 16 shots in the belly, countless days away from the girls, and too many pills to count..but it's FINALLY over! I can't even describe how excited I feel right now!!! Yesterday was a long, pretty rough day. But it's OVER. DONE. I did it! But of course my body decided to try and resist one last time. After 4 blown veins in my left arm they had to use my right arm for the IV. The nurses said the chemo has just destroyed my veins. Apparently even though using the right arm is a big "no no" because of the risk of lymphedema they say that as a last resort they often have to just risk it. They swabbed me up good with hospital grade antiseptic..and I'm not really worried. I was so wiped out last night, but today I feel great. Well, the all to familiar joint pain is setting in quickly, but mentally I feel amazing. I think it's silly to say I'm proud of myself...but I am. I am proud of all of us. I've learned so much during this expe

So tomorrow's it. As far as chemo goes, that is... I'm really excited still which feels both good and weird. It's good for obvious reasons, and weird because this has become my life now. It's been a long 16 weeks..yet they have flown by. I was commenting to Matt the other night how happy I am that I've kept this blog. Going forward, when people ask me what it was like, I have written proof of the ups and downs. In my mind, because I feel great today, I feel like I'd lie (but not in an intentional lie sort of way) that it wasn't that bad, or that it wasn't really hard. It's that whole concept that once things are over, they are forgotten as they truly were. The bad days don't seem "as bad" - at least that's how my world works. In fact when I met with Dr. Metkus last week, she even asked me how chemo was going. I replied "good" and then added "as good as chemo can be, that is" because I saw how odd it was to say th

The past few days have been really good ones. We had a fun family day in San Francisco yesterday - dim sum in Chinatown for lunch, a drive down Lombard (the crooked part), and an afternoon at the Exploratorium. The girls had so much fun. I'm not sure if I laughed more when Charlie threw up her arms in the car and yelled "Wheeee!!" as we drove down Lombard, or when she screamed "THANK YOU" to the docents at the museum after they did a demonstration for us. Now it's Thursday...3 more days until my LAST treatment. It's so crazy to think that it's almost over. I don't have do this again 2 weeks from now...... It's better than Christmas! Normally I start getting edgy and anxious the Friday before treatment. But I don't forsee that happening this weekend. At least I hope it doesn't. I have so so so much to be excited about. After Monday, I will (hopefully) never have to do this again. Next week will probably suck. But the following week,

This week started off both good and bad. After a rough weekend with some majorly sore knees and a funk of a mood that I couldn't shake, today started off great. My knees are almost back to normal, and I started the day off with a massage (Thanks, Chris & Hannah!!). Since I wasn't much of a fun mom this weekend, I let Reagan stay home from school today and we had an awesome "Mommy/Reagy day." That girl could lift anyones spirits with her random statements and the way she breaks into dance at any given time. Dr. Metkus' office called to re schedule my Weds appointment for today. Which was great news because my "little" lump has been burning and hurting a lot more lately. Turns out, I am the Queen of Hernias...and unlike the last one that was randomly discovered, there's no denying this one. They aren't sure if it was there all along, or if it is a product of the DIEP surgery. I guess it doesn't really matter the "hows" or "

June is finally here!!! For so long now I've been waiting and waiting for it to be June, since it means this chapter ends this month! It's both flown by, and dragged on. It's like we've been in a weird time warp since March...actually since January. But here we are after all. June. Sadly, even though mentally I know I'm so close to the end, my body still has to process these chemo rounds still. I'm sore and sad and pretty miserable today. I still hate the Neupogen shots and am waiting for the last rounds bruises to heal still while adding new bruises on for this round. I know bruises heal though. And I know my aches and pains will go away in the next few days. It's just a matter of riding it out now, but the bad days are still bad. Tomorrow I have an appointment with Dr. Weller - the radiation oncologist. We'll get the lowdown on radiation, when it starts, when it'll end, etc. I keep assuming radiation will be much easier - I sure hope I'm ri

14 days from now I will be done with chemo. Two weeks. I feel like I've got this in the bag now. I can't even believe it..and when I think about it, I get a bit teary eyed. I remember so clearly how bad round 1 was. How I felt like my body literally wouldn't make it, and mentally I wouldn't survive this. But here I am, just two weeks, 1 infusion, 4 hours of being stuck to an IV, until I'm at the end of this chapter. (Well, not counting the following 3 days of Neupogen shots.) Round 7 was a piece of cake so far. Lisa was sweet enough to come with me today, since Matt's still got his nasty virus. We thought the other patients would be less than impressed if we waltzed in with him hacking up a lung. The plan was for Lisa and I to have a full day of Scrabble play - since we're both Scrabble addicts. But instead we ended up just chatting the whole time. It was really nice to catch up. Lately when we hang out with the kids, our time is taken up with playing with

Yesterday was a very busy day for us. Reagan graduated from preschool and then had orientation at her kindergarten. I was sure at some point I would be brought to tears, but at no point during the day did I feel sad. In fact, it was a very exciting day all around, and I'm not sure who is more excited for Kindergarten - Reagan or me. Graduation was the cutest thing with all the kids in their miniature gowns and paper caps. There were pictures of all of the graduating kids up with their answer to the question "When I grow up I want to be a...."  Reagan's answer was "a Cheerleader." And even though the whole ceremony was only a half hour long, I got that excited feeling that I get at all graduations. That this is just the beginning. She literally has so much ahead of her that is going to be really exciting. She can be anything she wants to be and it's going to be so fun to watch her come into her own. Matt and I also joked how this was probably the "

I haven't been feeling very well lately. I totally lost my voice on Sunday, and since then have had a raging sore throat, a cough that is getting worse, and pain in my left ear. These are not good things under any circumstance, let alone while undergoing chemo. The only saving grace is that at no point have I had a fever. While I never forget that I'm in the midst of chemo, I do sometimes forget how important it is to keep my doctors aware of these things - they seem so trivial to me. I'm so used to joking about my "superior immune system" like I have for years. For so long I escaped all of the colds, flus, etc that ran through our house.Turns out the jokes on me now! Matt convinced me to call today and Suzanne fit me in this morning. The verdict is that I have a borderline sinus and ear infection. Technically I can say that the chemo lowered my white blood cell count considerably so my "superior immune system" has been temporarily compromised. I fully

I turned 37 yesterday. I never thought this would be my life when I turned 37. But then again, cancer or not, life doesn't always go according to plan. In fact, one of my favorite quotes is "Life happens while you're making other plans." At no point did I think I would be bald, in the midst of chemo treatments, and sore as hell at this stage in my life. Yet that's exactly how it went down. And oddly enough, it was one of my best birthdays ever. I woke up to Matt and the girls giving me cards, presents and a nice cup of hot tea. After I asked Reagan if she could count to 37 and she responded "um.. no.." I checked my Facebook real quick to find this picture of Hannah, who ran the "Race for Life" 5k in London yesterday. Needless to say, it brought me to tears and even choked Matt up a bit. We went out to breakfast literally first thing in the morning. In fact, we got there so early, we weren't even sure if the restaurant was open. Break

Today is so much better for me mentally, yet so much worse for me physically. I'm back to feeling confident and good about where I am with my diagnosis and treatment.. and even with my imperfect body. Yet the Taxol has once again made it's presence known in my joints. I keep thinking of the movie "Misery," even though I know it was his ankles that were hobbled. My knees feel like Kathy Bates had a go at them for sure. At least I know that by Saturday I'll be back to "normal" for another week though... Even though the Taxol really does a number on my joints, I still think the Neupogen is the worst part of these rounds. The injections burn for a few hours afterwards, they bruise immediately, and leave me with random swelling. I've been hanging out on the Lazy Boy all evening rotating the heating pad from knees, to hips, to belly. Seriously, I'm so ready for the nursing home..... This week has been less than stellar in our house. Between my ha

I'm in a funk today. I went to bed feeling okay, and woke up feeling like a little old lady. My hips, knees, and back are feeling the all too familiar pain. I went down for my second Neupogen shot today and I've decided I'm just so tired of making that drive- although it is very scenic, so I shouldn't complain too much. For some reason my body doesn't like the Neupogen I don't think. The shots burn, they make me swell, and I have a huge bruise on my belly from yesterday's shot. The nurse who administered the shot today noticed my abdominal scar and asked about it. Nothing like bringing attention to something I'm already self conscious about... so maybe that's contributing to my funk. Clearly I know that scar is there...I see it every day. But every so often it reminds me of how much has changed in such a short period of time, and how I'm scarred for life - in more ways than one. Thank God I'm so close to the end, or I'd really be a

I'm just home from Round 6. As usual it was pretty uneventful and I slept through a good portion of it. I was a little concerned they wouldn't do the treatment today since I seem to have caught Reagan's cough. But lucky enough it didn't prevent us from going through with it. The last thing I'd want is to have a treatment put off at this point. Jess came with me again today as Matt is laid up with the flu (we can't seem to get rid of this nasty bug). But while sitting through treatment is boring, it's a chance for us to catch up on our celebrity gossip. Right now I'm exhausted and a bit out of it. I feel like a cat is sitting on my tongue. I'm thirsty but nothing tastes good again, and food is not appetizing - yet I'm starving. Basically the run of the mill chemo week routine that I've gotten so used to by now. But the best part of today is that I'm done with round 6. Only 2 more to go! I'm sooooo close to the end...the light at th

Over the past few weeks my eyes have been tearing up. A lot. At first I chalked it up to allergies and didn't think twice about it. My nose was running, my eyes were watering, the newscasters kept saying how bad this year is for allergies, etc. Every morning (on my good days) I would wake up with Charlie and sit with her as we both woke up. Tears would be pouring out of my eyes, she would be so compassionate and give me tons of hugs and kisses, saying "you feel better, Mommy?" or "you okay, Mommy?" I started to use it as a ruse to get loads of love from her every morning. But instead of getting better, it slowly got worse. Now my eyes produce tears at any given time, all day long. Matt and I are used to it, Charlie still is very concerned and will give me hugs and kisses on demand, and Reagan is indifferent and just announces deadpan "your eyes are watering again, Mommy."  Suzanne confirmed at my appointment today that it's another awesome side eff

This Mother's Day will be very memorable for me for a few reasons. Mostly, because everything that's happened this year has made me even more grateful to be here with my family - and to realize just how blessed I am to be called "Mommy" by my two amazing, beautiful, and hilarious girls. When you're married to a police officer, or anyone who works weekends for that matter, Mother's Day isn't guaranteed to be a relaxing day. But seeing as how I've had a lot of "days off" this year, I didn't mind waking up at 6:30 with the girls, opening the handmade cards they made for me (which are the BEST gifts ever!) and spending the whole day with them. Matt had to work both Saturday and Sunday nights, so after our fun bbq at Pat and Jess' house, he had to leave us. Which meant that we ordered pizza for dinner, watched way too much tv, had baths and dessert and then hit the hay. Or so I thought.... Poor Reagan woke up around 10 puking everywher

Well, once again the doctors were right. They really do know their stuff. They said the pain would set in 2-3 days after treatment. The did NOT lie. I started feeling it last night in my hips and pelvis. It steadily got worse throughout the night, and this morning my back, hips, and knees felt like someone snuck in and beat me with a bat last night. Matt's been on me all day to keep up with the vicodin, but it doesn't even really help with the pain. It's this consistent aching that just won't go away. I'm trusting the doctors though since they are clearly the experts...they said it lasts 2-3 days. So I figure I've got one day down, and 1-2 to go. I had my third and final Neupogen shot for this round today. Which means I can officially put round 5 in the books. Unfortunately, I think I may have to call and make an appointment tomorrow though if this random swelling in my abdomen doesn't go down. I noticed it start a few hours after the shot, and of course h

Dare I say it...so far, so good. Yesterday's treatment was exhausting as usual. Luckily they found a vein on the first try though. Unfortunately, it was a small vein so there is a lot of pain around the entrance site. But that's literally the only pain I have today - so it's very manageable. The actual infusion was very long, over 4 hours. But Jess came with me so Matt didn't have to take any more time off work. She now knows how utterly boring it is to sit with someone for the majority of a day during chemo. Of course she didn't complain once. My nurse, Amy, warned me of what may come this week. Taxol side effects are very different from the AC. In fact, I didn't even have to take the Emend anti nausea drug since nausea isn't really a big issue with Taxol. Yay for that!! However bone and joint pain apparently is a big side effect. She said to take my steroid in the morning and then a vicodin PLUS Advil in the afternoon. Anytime I'm told to take vicodi

The past few days have been absolutely fantastic. Matt took me to Half Moon Bay for an overnight getaway to celebrate the halfway point on Thursday. We stayed at this nice little Inn right on the beach. I've always loved everything about the ocean, especially falling asleep to the sound of waves crashing, so it was just what I needed to relax and rejuvenate. We had a delicious dinner out (basil pesto risotto with scallops - thank GOD the chemo didn't mess with those flavors!!) and I even had a glass of wine! I wasn't planning on drinking until I finished treatment in June..but I decided I deserved one glass. Apparently wine is one of those things that can taste bad while on Cytoxin. And seeing how my taste buds have been all crazy lately I was scared to ruin one of my favorite drinks. But lucky for me, wine still tastes great! On Friday we had the best surprise - a visit from my cousin Justin and his wife Annie. They live in NY and are out here for the weekend for the Big

Round 4 was like my own personal horror movie. It wasn't as bad as Round 1, but close. I'm not sure if it's because I got cocky again and assumed since I was done with the AC infusion I would just breeze through the week, or what. But I feel like I had a 4 day go round with Freddy Kreuger. I wasn't doing so bad, and then the chemo bitch slapped me. Over and over and over again. Besides the tornado that was raging in my head, I was getting really dizzy and lightheaded every time I stood up. My heart was racing, and my anxiety was at a peak. Acupuncture on Saturday didn't help at all, and I was starting to get that hopeless feeling again - that I was NEVER going to have another good day... Sunday was the first day I felt somewhat normal. We enjoyed a really nice Easter at Matt's aunt's house. I still wasn't fully functioning though, and by Sunday night the girls and I were all a bit emotionally unstable. The girls have too much Easter candy to blame it o

I hate cancer. I hate chemo. I hate feeling this horrible for a few days every two weeks. Quite frankly, I don't even want to hear how it's "just a few days" and that "it could be worse" or whatever. I know all that...and I still hate it. I've spent the past 36 hours feeling like my brain is a trailer park and there is a tornado wreaking havoc throughout it. I hate that my body looks like a serial killer hacked at it (sorry, Dr. Awesome, you did the best you could..but really, a scar from hip to hip is NEVER pretty). I hate that I lay here, unable to focus on anything, yet my mind races about all sorts of stuff. Like the fact that not all my hair has fallen out. So does that mean the chemo isn't working?! Because I'll be damned if I'm doing this for nothing. I hate that nothing tastes good to eat or drink, yet I keep trying everything in sight, hoping that something will taste decent. Why can't I just kick back and enjoy a little weight

Today is Matt's 36th birthday. I hate that his special day falls on one of my really bad days. I'm stuck in bed with my foggy chemo brain, and he's still waiting on me hand and foot. He's also about to take Reagan to lunch and a movie which makes me happy - there's nothing like a good daddy/daughter day as I know first hand from dates with my own dad. This post may get a bit mushy, but I'm going to blame that on the chemo too. Matt and I aren't big on public affection, we don't declare our love on each other's Facebook pages, and we make fun of each other at every possible opportunity. Yet this world became a much better place 36 years ago today. Matt is hands down the most wonderful person I've ever met, and I am honored that I get to spend my life with him and raise our children together. I think that our girls are such lucky ladies to have him as their daddy. He's had just as rough a year as I have, and he's handled everything with

I'm slowly sinking into chemo hell again. I know the drill though, so it does make it easier in some ways. It's definitely not a feeling I will ever get used to though. It sucks each and every time. But knowing that this time is the last of the red devil does make it easier in a sense this week. I keep hearing how the Taxol will be easier on me. I certainly hope that's the truth. I just think back to how the night before my very first treatment I felt so sure I was going to rock this whole chemo thing. I still felt like superwoman - I was going to show the chemo who was boss. And then it knocked me on my ass. So I'm afraid to go into the Taxol rounds assuming anything to be honest. Once again, Matt's been the best nurse this week. Except I think I'm wearing him out in one regard. We can't find a drink that I can handle. That whole weird metallic taste thing is really coming out now. Not a single thing tastes good to drink..yet I'm thirsty all the tim

I'm finally here - the halfway point! There were moments I never thought this day would come. But here I am. Done with the Red Devil. Done with the Neulasta. It's amazing how in retrospect, time really does fly. I remember laying around crying and feeling like I literally could not do this again after Round 1. Chris and Hannah spent their one week vacation in CA watching me at my lowest of lows. Cheering me on and reminding me daily that I can, and have to, carry on. Thankfully for them they got to recuperate for 2 weeks in Tahiti and Bora Bora afterwards though! Treatment yesterday was one of the better ones. They found a vein on the first try this time. The only excitement was when I was jolted awake by an earthquake that shook the building. It was just a small one, but enough to excite the room. Personally, I love a nice small earthquake every now and again. But I tend to be in the minority on that one. I got to see the girls tonight for a little bit before Matt took th

Here I am, so close to the halfway point, yet so nervous still for tomorrow. I can't wait to be done with the red devil, let alone this whole "experience," but yet I am more anxious about tomorrow's infusion than any other one to date. I think it's partly because I hate going from feeling so good, to so bad in just hours. I hate that when I tucked the girls into bed tonight, I thought that it will be about a week before I can kiss them goodnight and put them to bed again. My left wrist is still bruised in two spots from the failed attempts to start an IV last time...I'm certainly not looking forward to being poked and prodded again tomorrow. I feel like these treatments are getting harder and harder on my psyche, let alone my body. Even though the reality is that each one brings me closer to the end. But no matter how much I loathe it, I know tomorrow is coming quickly. And I know that one week from today, I'll be back on the upswing and will hopefully n

Yesterday we had some errands to run so we decided to make a family night out of it. After we finished, we went out to eat. The girls were both on their best behavior and being extra cute. Reagan had Career Day at school so she was still wearing her Snow White costume. I saw an older couple watching us a bit and I assumed they were just thinking "Oh, what adorable girls they have! How lucky they are.." or whatnot. Then the couple came over to our table on their way out. The woman asked me where I got my scarf from. I told her I had ordered it online and then awkwardly paused. I wasn't sure if I should tell her that it was from a company that seems to cater to cancer patients - (even though I don't really know if they do or not, I just assume it since I bought mine from them and the models were all bald!) Anyway, I just mentioned the name of the website and nothing further. She then asked me if I was in chemotherapy. I said "yes!"  and she replied that she wa

After my last post, I talked to a few people and got some emails from loved ones which detailed their beliefs on the "why me" theory. A lot of what's been said has really made an impact on me. I spent last week thinking this happened to me for some mysterious reason. Maybe I did something bad and needed a wake up call. Maybe I could use this time to change who or how I am to become better. But to be honest... I wasn't a bad person before. I was perfectly fine- nothing spectacular, but not too shabby either. Maybe, as the saying goes: shit happens. Maybe, just maybe, sometimes bad things happen to good people for no reason other than the fact that this is life. The more I think about it, the more I think that maybe this is truly the case. Why did my Mom and my two aunts suffer from this same disease? They are and were all such wonderful women..they didn't do anything "bad" to deserve this. They didn't need to learn a lesson about life and love. So, I