Over the past few weeks my eyes have been tearing up. A lot. At first I chalked it up to allergies and didn't think twice about it. My nose was running, my eyes were watering, the newscasters kept saying how bad this year is for allergies, etc. Every morning (on my good days) I would wake up with Charlie and sit with her as we both woke up. Tears would be pouring out of my eyes, she would be so compassionate and give me tons of hugs and kisses, saying "you feel better, Mommy?" or "you okay, Mommy?" I started to use it as a ruse to get loads of love from her every morning. But instead of getting better, it slowly got worse. Now my eyes produce tears at any given time, all day long. Matt and I are used to it, Charlie still is very concerned and will give me hugs and kisses on demand, and Reagan is indifferent and just announces deadpan "your eyes are watering again, Mommy." Suzanne confirmed at my appointment today that it's another awesome side effect of the chemo. So it's here to stay for at least the next 6-8 weeks.
I had actually read this online so I wasn't surprised by this response. In fact, I've already gotten used to it and I hardly notice it anymore. I may or may not wipe the tears away, depending on my mood. Sometimes I have fun just letting them roll. Like on the now rare occasions that I go to Starbucks. I'll be ordering my soy mocha when a few random tears let loose. The poor barista will look at me, with my scarf or hat on - clearly a bald lady trying to be chic, "crying" as I order my mocha. (S)he probably thinks I'm dying or something and can't get it together. I almost feel sorry for them as they fumble to take my debit card and act normal. Honestly though, sometimes I feel like crying as I order at Starbucks. I read online that when I'm on the Tamoxifen I shouldn't have soy. There's something in the soy that makes the Tamoxifen not work. But I've only read that online, Dr. Adler hasn't said anything like that to me yet.. and since he is the gospel of Cancer to me, I won't believe it until I hear it from him.
Besides the tearing up issue, we discussed all of the other effects of the Taxol. She said that since I'm doing so well, I don't have to have another "how did chemo go" appointment until right before my last round! That's good news! She also said the random swelling is not something to worry about, and it's probably due to having the 3 Neupogen shots within a very small area of my belly. So next week we're going to make sure the shots are spread out a bit more.
I did shed a few more tears this evening though. I am on a mission to get this house organized and cleaned out. That means going through all of the baby stuff we won't be needing anymore. Including the tubs and tubs and tubs of baby clothes. I always knew we had a ridiculous amount of clothes for the girls, but it really is kind of crazy. 6 huge tupperware tubs of clothes were weeded through and organized tonight (and that's only the 0-12 month stuff). And I shed a few tears as I remembered my girls wearing some of those outfits, and realizing that there will never be another newborn in this house. We always thought we would have 3 kids. Yet I know that I have no reason to think that that should have been. Who even knows if we would have had a third if cancer didn't bust our plans!? But this made me realize that it's final. We're done. I'm more than happy with the family I have, but I still hate that I didn't get a say in the final decision.
I had actually read this online so I wasn't surprised by this response. In fact, I've already gotten used to it and I hardly notice it anymore. I may or may not wipe the tears away, depending on my mood. Sometimes I have fun just letting them roll. Like on the now rare occasions that I go to Starbucks. I'll be ordering my soy mocha when a few random tears let loose. The poor barista will look at me, with my scarf or hat on - clearly a bald lady trying to be chic, "crying" as I order my mocha. (S)he probably thinks I'm dying or something and can't get it together. I almost feel sorry for them as they fumble to take my debit card and act normal. Honestly though, sometimes I feel like crying as I order at Starbucks. I read online that when I'm on the Tamoxifen I shouldn't have soy. There's something in the soy that makes the Tamoxifen not work. But I've only read that online, Dr. Adler hasn't said anything like that to me yet.. and since he is the gospel of Cancer to me, I won't believe it until I hear it from him.
Besides the tearing up issue, we discussed all of the other effects of the Taxol. She said that since I'm doing so well, I don't have to have another "how did chemo go" appointment until right before my last round! That's good news! She also said the random swelling is not something to worry about, and it's probably due to having the 3 Neupogen shots within a very small area of my belly. So next week we're going to make sure the shots are spread out a bit more.
I did shed a few more tears this evening though. I am on a mission to get this house organized and cleaned out. That means going through all of the baby stuff we won't be needing anymore. Including the tubs and tubs and tubs of baby clothes. I always knew we had a ridiculous amount of clothes for the girls, but it really is kind of crazy. 6 huge tupperware tubs of clothes were weeded through and organized tonight (and that's only the 0-12 month stuff). And I shed a few tears as I remembered my girls wearing some of those outfits, and realizing that there will never be another newborn in this house. We always thought we would have 3 kids. Yet I know that I have no reason to think that that should have been. Who even knows if we would have had a third if cancer didn't bust our plans!? But this made me realize that it's final. We're done. I'm more than happy with the family I have, but I still hate that I didn't get a say in the final decision.
Hey Melissa - I've spoken to a surgical oncologist briefly about the soy situation and he didn't seem too concerned. From what I understand, there was a belief that soy had something to do with estrogen, which is why they always told my mom not to eat it. I don't know if that is now out-dated information. What I do know is that lactose isn't my friend so I've always opted for soy (I think it runs in the family)!
ReplyDeleteI also wanted to comment the other day about your mother's day post. It really touched me because you were talking about being able to care for Reagan when she was sick (I hope she is feeling better). I know that the "mom" thing to do always seems to be to take care of the children when they are ill, but I think it is great that the girls can also get that from Matt.
When I had my tonsils out, my dad woke up in the middle of the night to force feed me baby cereal and give me the pain killers (and yes I was a freshman in college). I knew my mom was sick but still kinda felt weird that it was my dad doing the whole 'mom thing' while my mom was sleeping. I never saw that side of him (you know my dad) and it made me love him even more.
From what I see, it sounds like you and Matt work so well together as a couple and as parents and that must comfort the girls so much. Even when you are back to being 100% it will be great for them to know that they can lean on you both whenever it is needed.