Why Me: Part 2

After my last post, I talked to a few people and got some emails from loved ones which detailed their beliefs on the "why me" theory. A lot of what's been said has really made an impact on me. I spent last week thinking this happened to me for some mysterious reason. Maybe I did something bad and needed a wake up call. Maybe I could use this time to change who or how I am to become better. But to be honest... I wasn't a bad person before. I was perfectly fine- nothing spectacular, but not too shabby either. Maybe, as the saying goes: shit happens. Maybe, just maybe, sometimes bad things happen to good people for no reason other than the fact that this is life. The more I think about it, the more I think that maybe this is truly the case. Why did my Mom and my two aunts suffer from this same disease? They are and were all such wonderful women..they didn't do anything "bad" to deserve this. They didn't need to learn a lesson about life and love. So, I have moved on...it is what it is and no matter how much time and energy I put into thinking about it, it won't change anything. And with this being my "good" week, I don't have time and energy to waste on anything I can't change.

But this week has brought another "why me" question to light. We took the girls out for ice cream on Sunday night after dinner. I was so excited for a scoop of my favorite ice cream - chocolate chip cookie dough. As I dug in, something tasted off. Reagan was quick to offer to taste mine as well. She promptly declared it was good, followed by a thumbs up from Charlie. I made Matt taste it too, and while it's definitely not his favorite flavor, he declared it perfectly fine as well. I'd been warned that this might happen... the Cytoxin apparently can alter tastes and/or leave a metallic taste in your mouth. My favorite ice cream now tasted like a cardboard box. Then today I had a craving for Oreos. (Seriously..what's with these cravings?! I didn't have this many cravings either time I was pregnant!) I stopped for a bag on my way home and grabbed a few as soon as I got home. I must have inhaled the first one, because it wasn't until my second one that I realized it tasted HORRIBLE. It tasted again like I was eating soggy cardboard.  So I ask "Why me?" WHY does the damn chemo have to ruin one of the few little treats I have these days?! Damn you chemo... I can't wait until June.

I did get a tiny bit of good news today though. I had my third "how did chemo go" appointment today with my nurse Suzanne. We started talking about the Taxol, which means we really are close to being half way there!!!!! The Taxol will supposedly be much easier on me with fewer side effects. To that, I say Wooo Hoooo! But I will have to go back three days in a row after infusion for shots. Right now I go back the following day only for my Neulasta shot. The Taxol doesn't require me to take Neulasta, but another shot called Neupogen. Suzanne explained that one shot of Neulasta is equal to ten shots of Neupogen. So even though I'll be getting 3 shots, it's roughly only 1/3 of the dosage. (But 3X the co pay...which will be another blog entry someday). While I'm not looking forward to Round 4 AT ALL, it seems that after next week the worst just may be over. Just maybe...