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Bitter

I'm bitter today. Bitter that this has become my life and that every single day I feel some sort of pain. My arm has been hurting a lot lately. My hernia incision is hurting too. I wonder if the price of saving my life has cost me the ability to ever have a day with no pain again. Is this nerve damage ever going to heal itself?!  To top it off, radiation is finally getting the best of me. I am completely exhausted all the time, and my skin is burning. I've got a perfect red square over the whole area that's being radiated and it's getting worse by the hour today.

I'm embarrassed that I cried the whole way home from radiation today. I'm bitter that this is my life. I'm bitter that this happened to me. And I'm mad at myself for feeling this way. I also thought I was over what happened last summer, but Thursday is the anniversary of my d&c. I can accept what happened, and even believe that it happening saved my life. But the events of that day are still fresh in my mind this week. It sucks.

Granted, on the other hand, I find it another strange coincidence that radiation ends exactly one week after that "anniversary" date. I feel like it's been a full year of just crap happening to us. This has to be the end, right? Not just the end of radiation, but the end of all of these bad things happening. The end of a long tough year.

I hate being bitter.

Comments

  1. MamaAugust 10, 2011 at 11:53 AM

    Anger or bitterness is part of the healing process. You have every right to be angry - just don't let it consume you. Better days are ahead of you. The nerve damage can take some time to heal, but it does get better in time - I can't say how long because it's different for everyone but it does get better. The burning of the radiation heals like sunburn. Cancer sucks - there is no way around it but don't let it consume you - you win the battle - not cancer. You are a winner, you ARE a "survivor"! Don't ever forget that! Love Mama

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