So tomorrow's it. As far as chemo goes, that is... I'm really excited still which feels both good and weird. It's good for obvious reasons, and weird because this has become my life now. It's been a long 16 weeks..yet they have flown by. I was commenting to Matt the other night how happy I am that I've kept this blog. Going forward, when people ask me what it was like, I have written proof of the ups and downs. In my mind, because I feel great today, I feel like I'd lie (but not in an intentional lie sort of way) that it wasn't that bad, or that it wasn't really hard. It's that whole concept that once things are over, they are forgotten as they truly were. The bad days don't seem "as bad" - at least that's how my world works. In fact when I met with Dr. Metkus last week, she even asked me how chemo was going. I replied "good" and then added "as good as chemo can be, that is" because I saw how odd it was to say that it's going "good." There's another big part of me that just doesn't like to be a whiner and complainer. Even though this is single handedly the hardest thing I've ever done, and the most miserable I've ever felt, I can't imagine unloading on someone who asks how I am with a bunch of negativity(at least I pray I come off this way in real life). I guess the reality is that I respond with how I'm feeling at that particular moment. If someone asks me when I'm having a bad day, I would say how sucky it's going. But I'm having more and more good days again, so, going back to my original thought...in the future I'll be feeling good when I'm discussing my chemo experience - and I don't want the reality to be skewed. It did suck. It does suck. It will suck for anyone who has to go through it...and for their families.
And after this week, by the grace of God, I will never have another sucky ol' chemo week again!
But now my question is: when can I say I'm a "survivor?" I researched it a bit tonight and couldn't find a clear answer. Basically "they" (I have no clue who "they" are..just different people on different websites of who's credentials I have NO clue) say that it can either be 1. at diagnosis because a person has had cancer in their body and "survived" until it was discovered (this one I find odd to be honest) 2. after surgery 3. after active treatment or 4. whenever the cancer patient feels like saying it. I really like #4 because it gives me (and all cancer patients) some power. But I feel that when radiation is over I will be able to say it. So I still have a little ways to go in my mind (I'm sooo not waiting until I'm done with the Tamoxifen, that's too long!)
Anyway, even though tomorrow is a huge step, I'm still taking things one day at a time for now.
And after this week, by the grace of God, I will never have another sucky ol' chemo week again!
But now my question is: when can I say I'm a "survivor?" I researched it a bit tonight and couldn't find a clear answer. Basically "they" (I have no clue who "they" are..just different people on different websites of who's credentials I have NO clue) say that it can either be 1. at diagnosis because a person has had cancer in their body and "survived" until it was discovered (this one I find odd to be honest) 2. after surgery 3. after active treatment or 4. whenever the cancer patient feels like saying it. I really like #4 because it gives me (and all cancer patients) some power. But I feel that when radiation is over I will be able to say it. So I still have a little ways to go in my mind (I'm sooo not waiting until I'm done with the Tamoxifen, that's too long!)
Anyway, even though tomorrow is a huge step, I'm still taking things one day at a time for now.
Today is a big step toward the end of treatment. There was a saying "if the cancer doesn't kill you the treatment will" (i.e. chemo). That's why I gave you the "Survivor" hat! With your positive attitude and your husband at your side, you are a survivor. Your choice of when you want to say it doesn't change what you are - you are a survivor! Love Mama
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