My "Mamm"wars: Fighting to Survive Stage 4 Breast Cancer

On Monday, I gave a speech at our school's annual Women's Guild Breast Cancer Awareness meeting. My friend video taped it on her phone. I knew I was speaking, but had nothing prepared. Here is my off the cuff speech for your viewing pleasure. I've had mixed reviews about the audio... most everyone can hear it though.

It started with the hurricanes, then the shooting in Las Vegas, and now the fires in Northern California (and this isn't even reaching into the global perspective). We can't escape the devastation everywhere. It's overwhelming to me at times. It takes my breath away and makes me realize that I am but one small person in this big world full of craziness.  Matt says it doesn't diminish my own feelings about my situation. But for me, it makes me realize that I'm not the only one suffering. So many others are experiencing even greater suffering right now. Like I said, sometimes it's too much for me to bear and I find myself just sobbing. The pain so many people are feeling right now is heartbreaking.  I realize how these people lost their lives in the blink of an eye...literally. I have been given quite the cross to bear, but I have TIME. There is no expiration date on my life yet (well, there IS..but only God knows that date right now). I have the ability to tell t

Today, Matt and I celebrate 13 years of wedded bliss. 13 years isn't that many in the scheme of life and especially in comparison to our role models, however we've certainly packed a lot into our 13 years. We've faced adversity several times and without fail it's made us stronger. But the past 13 years has had it's share of incredible times as well. I think about our relationship, and our love, and while we are just your average, run of the mill couple... I feel extremely lucky and grateful. I know this love that I never knew could exist. Even though my life clearly isn't perfect now, I have experienced something that so many people only dream of. I know with 1000% certainty what it's like to be truly, deeply loved. And I know what it's like to truly, deeply love someone with my whole heart. (Not counting my children of course).  In fact, a few weeks ago I was having a random conversation with Reagan. There was nothing out of the ordinary about it at fir

Today is October 1. The first day of "Breast Cancer Awareness Month." I'm laying in bed on day two after chemo with mixed feelings about this day. In years past, I've posted a little quip on Facebook about getting checked early, "early detection saves lives,""feel yourself up!" etc. Today, I have a problem saying any of those things. Early detection didn't save my life. Apparently it only prolonged it. At one point in my early days of doctor appointments, I was told "You're the one we want to catch. You're the one that can be cured." Cured. Fuck that. I lay here in bed unable to hang out with my kids on a lovely weekend because I wasn't CURED. In fact, I lay here in bed because ultimately, I'm screwed. There is no cure for Stage 4. Stage 4. I started out as Stage 2A...."easily curable." But somehow the odds weren't in my favor. And I lay here crying because I don't know what I did wrong.. I don't