My "Mamm"wars: Fighting to Survive Stage 4 Breast Cancer

The past week has been a whirlwind of family, friends, and a ton of fun. Chris and Hannah arrived last Wednesday and I feel like it was just action, action, action since then. The highlights of our week were Saturday's family dinner to celebrate Jay and Steph's marriage, and Sunday's 4 hour boat trip around the gorgeous SF Bay with our families and close friends. I had such an amazing weekend, with so many people that I love and couldn't have made it through the past 6 months without. It was so nice to just let loose for the first time in a very long time. I admit, I probably let loose a bit too much on Saturday..but hey, I'm entitled. (Yep, I'm going to use that excuse for as long as I possibly can.) All I know is so many of these people saw me at my lowest of lows...and now we all got to experience a wonderful high together. The whole weekend was a great celebration of family and life. And then today I came crashing back to reality. I had my planning sessi

I feel like a winning Super Bowl quarterback (without the big fat bonus though) who yells out right after the game "I'm going to Disneyland!" I just finished the toughest challenge of my life, and we are celebrating with a trip to Disneyland!! We booked it today, and Matt and I are quite possibly more excited than the girls are. I never thought I'd be the person who got excited about a family vacation to Disneyland. I mean, really..I've been to Europe a few times. I love Mexico. Matt and I went to the Cook Islands for our honeymoon. So Disneyland just never made my "top 10" places to go. But then again, I've never had an almost 5 year old and a 2 year old before. And I've never missed spending so much family time together as I have over the past few months. So not only are we going to Disneyland, but we're going to stay at the Grand Californian - cause we're fancy like that ...and mostly because we feel like we've all earned it. We

16 weeks, 8 rounds, 16 shots in the belly, countless days away from the girls, and too many pills to count..but it's FINALLY over! I can't even describe how excited I feel right now!!! Yesterday was a long, pretty rough day. But it's OVER. DONE. I did it! But of course my body decided to try and resist one last time. After 4 blown veins in my left arm they had to use my right arm for the IV. The nurses said the chemo has just destroyed my veins. Apparently even though using the right arm is a big "no no" because of the risk of lymphedema they say that as a last resort they often have to just risk it. They swabbed me up good with hospital grade antiseptic..and I'm not really worried. I was so wiped out last night, but today I feel great. Well, the all to familiar joint pain is setting in quickly, but mentally I feel amazing. I think it's silly to say I'm proud of myself...but I am. I am proud of all of us. I've learned so much during this expe

So tomorrow's it. As far as chemo goes, that is... I'm really excited still which feels both good and weird. It's good for obvious reasons, and weird because this has become my life now. It's been a long 16 weeks..yet they have flown by. I was commenting to Matt the other night how happy I am that I've kept this blog. Going forward, when people ask me what it was like, I have written proof of the ups and downs. In my mind, because I feel great today, I feel like I'd lie (but not in an intentional lie sort of way) that it wasn't that bad, or that it wasn't really hard. It's that whole concept that once things are over, they are forgotten as they truly were. The bad days don't seem "as bad" - at least that's how my world works. In fact when I met with Dr. Metkus last week, she even asked me how chemo was going. I replied "good" and then added "as good as chemo can be, that is" because I saw how odd it was to say th

The past few days have been really good ones. We had a fun family day in San Francisco yesterday - dim sum in Chinatown for lunch, a drive down Lombard (the crooked part), and an afternoon at the Exploratorium. The girls had so much fun. I'm not sure if I laughed more when Charlie threw up her arms in the car and yelled "Wheeee!!" as we drove down Lombard, or when she screamed "THANK YOU" to the docents at the museum after they did a demonstration for us. Now it's Thursday...3 more days until my LAST treatment. It's so crazy to think that it's almost over. I don't have do this again 2 weeks from now...... It's better than Christmas! Normally I start getting edgy and anxious the Friday before treatment. But I don't forsee that happening this weekend. At least I hope it doesn't. I have so so so much to be excited about. After Monday, I will (hopefully) never have to do this again. Next week will probably suck. But the following week,

This week started off both good and bad. After a rough weekend with some majorly sore knees and a funk of a mood that I couldn't shake, today started off great. My knees are almost back to normal, and I started the day off with a massage (Thanks, Chris & Hannah!!). Since I wasn't much of a fun mom this weekend, I let Reagan stay home from school today and we had an awesome "Mommy/Reagy day." That girl could lift anyones spirits with her random statements and the way she breaks into dance at any given time. Dr. Metkus' office called to re schedule my Weds appointment for today. Which was great news because my "little" lump has been burning and hurting a lot more lately. Turns out, I am the Queen of Hernias...and unlike the last one that was randomly discovered, there's no denying this one. They aren't sure if it was there all along, or if it is a product of the DIEP surgery. I guess it doesn't really matter the "hows" or "

June is finally here!!! For so long now I've been waiting and waiting for it to be June, since it means this chapter ends this month! It's both flown by, and dragged on. It's like we've been in a weird time warp since March...actually since January. But here we are after all. June. Sadly, even though mentally I know I'm so close to the end, my body still has to process these chemo rounds still. I'm sore and sad and pretty miserable today. I still hate the Neupogen shots and am waiting for the last rounds bruises to heal still while adding new bruises on for this round. I know bruises heal though. And I know my aches and pains will go away in the next few days. It's just a matter of riding it out now, but the bad days are still bad. Tomorrow I have an appointment with Dr. Weller - the radiation oncologist. We'll get the lowdown on radiation, when it starts, when it'll end, etc. I keep assuming radiation will be much easier - I sure hope I'm ri