My "Mamm"wars: Fighting to Survive Stage 4 Breast Cancer

Here we are again. I feel like I can just cut and paste a post. We saw Dr. Adler today and it was basically a "no news" appointment. Which, don't get me wrong, is WAY better than a "bad" news appointment. My bilirubin went from 4.4 down to 4.1. Down with the bilirubin is always what we want, we just wanted it down a bit more in order to convince Dr. Adler to treat me. Which is where "Groundhog Day" begins. We follow the same schedule yet another week. Hospice will do blood on Monday, Dr. appt on Thurs., and he said hopefully if the bilirubin is in the 3's I can convince him to do treatment. I trust all the prayers and positive energy and good thoughts are pushing me forward. The numbers are coming down on their own without treatment. I understand that at anytime this can change, but for now...it's not. For now.. I made it to my first goal. Back in June was when Dr. Adler first mentioned hospice and said I had "weeks to months."

What a bittersweet summer this has been. I'm dying. There's no denying that. I get weaker every day, I rely more and more on Matt and others. I sleep in the hospice bed in the living room, and yet I am loving every minute I have with Matt, the girls, my incredible family that is traveling in from all over the country to care for me, and my super close and amazing friends here. I definitely feel LOVED. All this grief that is surrounding us seems to have a forcefield of love that is keeping it somewhat at bay. Don't get me wrong, I have a witching hour every day from about 3-6. It reminds me of when the girls were babies and they would cry every day from 5-7. Then it passes and life moves on.  From 3-6 every day I need an Ativan and a nap and to reframe my head and my soul. The reality is I really do not want this happening. For as bittersweet and as much fun and love as we are sharing, I DO NO WANT TO DIE. IT'S NOT FAIR! This week has been emotional in other ways too

The past two weeks have pretty much been status quo around here. Hospice comes Monday and takes blood, and does a general once over. They replace prescriptions and take care of everything we need. Then on Weds, I go to Dr. Adler's office for the results of the blood and see if I qualify for chemo for the week. Dr. Adler says it's only a few more times he'll let me go back and forth between chemo and hospice. It's like a ticking bomb, where I only have a few more tries before I have to fully commit one way or another. In the meantime, we're trying to continue creating memories and having fun. We get out once a day whether it's to a movie, a walk on the trail or a trip to  Target. It feels so good to get dressed, put a little make up on and head out. Like I still do have things to do before I leave. Sometimes, like this past week, it's almost hard to come to terms with fact that I'm dying. I feel so good most days. So instead of laying around feeling s

One of the many benefits of hospice is that they can take blood from my port from  home. Last Monday, my lovely nurse, Lena, took blood for Weds appointment with Suzanne. I went in to the appointment all tough and bad, like I was going to TELL THEM that I'm not done. You can't force me to quit trying, blah, blah, blah. Well, I went in with my argument and Suzanne, Matt and I had a nice discussion. Apparently in my horrible chemo haze last week I don't even remember our visit to Dr. Adler. Regardless, the bloodwork shows the bilirubin is going up. Not good. That based on my behavior last week has Dr. Adler worried. So the question is, is the chemo helping to prolong my life or not. I cried. A lot. I explained that I have little girls, I can't just QUIT trying to save my life. Final results are hospice will take blood again next Monday, and I see Dr. Adler on Weds. It's this revolving door of wait and see, wait and see, etc. But how long can a person go on like