My "Mamm"wars: Fighting to Survive Stage 4 Breast Cancer

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No News

While not much has changed medically, I feel my whole world has changed over the past few weeks. The routine is the same; wake up, take meds, and wait for whichever hospice person is coming that day. The boredom continues. The fact that it probably won’t change is setting in....big time. Monday is blood day, Thursday’s are results day. The tears are coming easier and more frequently, I’m tired of needing help to do anything and everything. It’s getting harder to stay positive. Reagan’s Birthday was this past Sunday. This was my second big goal. It was so bittersweet......I made it, but it’s most likely the last one I will. So I’m giving myself a reprieve of being all perky and optimistic and I’m taking some time to process my emotions and just be sad. Hopefully this will shake soon. Next goal is to see Chris in 2 weeks!

Bored

In all honesty, this hasn't been a great week, Neither physically nor emotionally. Everything is changing and I can't keep up with it all. There's the physical side of things where I can see my body deteriorating daily. I can barely move my legs, everything is swollen and bloated and, in other words, completely disgusting. I can't dress myself, I need Matt to help with everything, and it's become both comforting to know I have him and yet so embarrassing. No matter how long you've been married, or with a partner, it's definitely still not a look you want them to see in your mid 40-s. So there's that reality I can't escape. The appointment with Dr. Adler went in a similar pattern to the past few weeks. The bilirubin went up to 4.8. That's not a huge increase but big enough to not allow for chemo again. Life is getting boring....I lay here and watch "Grey's Anatomy," read, try and blog and just try and get through the day. Emotiona

Holding Steady

Another week has past and things have largely remained the same. Hospice came Monday to check all my sores (namely the hole in my forearm), and take blood. They make sure I'm set for meds for the week and off they go. Then my home health nurse comes in and does a wonderful sponge bath that I quickly get over my embarrassment from. Thursday is the big Dr. day where we get the blood numbers and are told the fate of my imminent future. This week, the bilirubin came down again!!! It isn't low enough to do chemo but we're getting there. It went from 4.4 down to 3.5! He said if it gets below 3 we would discuss chemo. I'm soooooo close. Except I am scared to rock the boat. I've been doing "ok" lately and don't want that to change. But we all know I'd do anything to hang on as long as possible. Emotionally the past two weeks have been really hard on me. I've fallen, pretty badly, a few times. In fact, Friday night my head played ping pong agains

All About the Bilirubin

Here we are again. I feel like I can just cut and paste a post. We saw Dr. Adler today and it was basically a "no news" appointment. Which, don't get me wrong, is WAY better than a "bad" news appointment. My bilirubin went from 4.4 down to 4.1. Down with the bilirubin is always what we want, we just wanted it down a bit more in order to convince Dr. Adler to treat me. Which is where "Groundhog Day" begins. We follow the same schedule yet another week. Hospice will do blood on Monday, Dr. appt on Thurs., and he said hopefully if the bilirubin is in the 3's I can convince him to do treatment. I trust all the prayers and positive energy and good thoughts are pushing me forward. The numbers are coming down on their own without treatment. I understand that at anytime this can change, but for now...it's not. For now.. I made it to my first goal. Back in June was when Dr. Adler first mentioned hospice and said I had "weeks to months."

Through Grief comes Love

What a bittersweet summer this has been. I'm dying. There's no denying that. I get weaker every day, I rely more and more on Matt and others. I sleep in the hospice bed in the living room, and yet I am loving every minute I have with Matt, the girls, my incredible family that is traveling in from all over the country to care for me, and my super close and amazing friends here. I definitely feel LOVED. All this grief that is surrounding us seems to have a forcefield of love that is keeping it somewhat at bay. Don't get me wrong, I have a witching hour every day from about 3-6. It reminds me of when the girls were babies and they would cry every day from 5-7. Then it passes and life moves on. From 3-6 every day I need an Ativan and a nap and to reframe my head and my soul. The reality is I really do not want this happening. For as bittersweet and as much fun and love as we are sharing, I DO NO WANT TO DIE. IT'S NOT FAIR! This week has been emotional in other ways too

Status Quo

The past two weeks have pretty much been status quo around here. Hospice comes Monday and takes blood, and does a general once over. They replace prescriptions and take care of everything we need. Then on Weds, I go to Dr. Adler's office for the results of the blood and see if I qualify for chemo for the week. Dr. Adler says it's only a few more times he'll let me go back and forth between chemo and hospice. It's like a ticking bomb, where I only have a few more tries before I have to fully commit one way or another. In the meantime, we're trying to continue creating memories and having fun. We get out once a day whether it's to a movie, a walk on the trail or a trip to Target. It feels so good to get dressed, put a little make up on and head out. Like I still do have things to do before I leave. Sometimes, like this past week, it's almost hard to come to terms with fact that I'm dying. I feel so good most days. So instead of laying around feeling s