I waited all week, and finally got the call yesterday morning. Chemo starts Monday at 10 am. As soon as I hung up the phone I completely broke down. It's a good thing Reagan was home as I refuse to let her see me cry, because that's the only reason I was able to get it together quickly.
I feel stupid for crying about it. I knew it was coming for 2 months now. I even say that I want it to start sooner so it can end sooner. But now that it's official, it means it's really happening. I am about to start looking like a cancer patient, when I don't feel like one. I feel AWESOME these days. But then again, I felt awesome leading up to my biopsy in December. I felt awesome leading up to my surgery in January.. I've never once felt sick. So I have a hard time accepting that I am willingly making myself look and feel sick for the next 16 weeks. But then I look at my girls, or Matt gives me a hug, and it all comes flooding back about why I am doing this. I am NOT about to be sick. I am about to get better. And unfortunately getting better means that I may (or may not) feel sick for a few weeks. I remind myself about how badly I hurt after surgery and how I thought I'd never get better. Here we are, 6 weeks post op and I am 85% back to normal.
So this too shall pass. 16 weeks... that is nothing in the scope of my life. 8 rounds... that's 8 weeks of possibly feeling not so great. I'm taking a mind over matter approach to this. I refuse to go into this thinking that I'm going to feel really sick. Considering the litany of drug prescriptions we had filled this week, I'm sure I can dope myself up enough to not feel much of anything! Only time will tell though, and there's no escaping it at this point, so I might as well embrace it.
I feel stupid for crying about it. I knew it was coming for 2 months now. I even say that I want it to start sooner so it can end sooner. But now that it's official, it means it's really happening. I am about to start looking like a cancer patient, when I don't feel like one. I feel AWESOME these days. But then again, I felt awesome leading up to my biopsy in December. I felt awesome leading up to my surgery in January.. I've never once felt sick. So I have a hard time accepting that I am willingly making myself look and feel sick for the next 16 weeks. But then I look at my girls, or Matt gives me a hug, and it all comes flooding back about why I am doing this. I am NOT about to be sick. I am about to get better. And unfortunately getting better means that I may (or may not) feel sick for a few weeks. I remind myself about how badly I hurt after surgery and how I thought I'd never get better. Here we are, 6 weeks post op and I am 85% back to normal.
So this too shall pass. 16 weeks... that is nothing in the scope of my life. 8 rounds... that's 8 weeks of possibly feeling not so great. I'm taking a mind over matter approach to this. I refuse to go into this thinking that I'm going to feel really sick. Considering the litany of drug prescriptions we had filled this week, I'm sure I can dope myself up enough to not feel much of anything! Only time will tell though, and there's no escaping it at this point, so I might as well embrace it.
The mind can be a wonderful thing or a terrible thing. Keep thinking positive thoughts all the time. Never give in to negativity. If you think yourself well - you will be well. Get those boxing gloves on and do it! I know you can and will. If it gets to you momentarily - think of Matt and the girls and all those who love you. I know it is scary but you can and will get through it. Love Mama
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