I've been feeling decent since Wednesday, and psyching myself up for Round 2. Now that it's here, I feel like the past two weeks flew by. I was beginning to feel ready for tomorrows infusion - even looking forward to getting another one under my belt - but the pit in my stomach is still there. I'm definitely more calm than I was in the days leading up to the first infusion, but I get the feeling it's never going to be easy.
Matt and I held a brief strategy session the other night, discussing what we're going to do differently this time. I'm hopeful that with our new plan this coming week won't be so bad. In hindsight, I waited too long to take the anti nausea drugs last time. I would wait until I felt sick. This time I'm going to take the Zofran round the clock just in case. It also really helps knowing that I will eventually come out of the haze. Having had a good run this week, I'll be able to hold onto that in the bad days going forward.
Jay and Steph came to watch the girls last night so Matt and I could go to dinner and a movie. Date nights are rare when we're both healthy, so it was extra special to have one now. It was nice to be out, feeling good. It was one of the few times since December that, for a very few moments, I could forget about everything going on right now. And there's nothing like movie theater popcorn to cheer me up too!
I think the hardest part about this week is going to be waiting for my hair to come out. It's the oddest feeling to wake up every morning and wonder if there is going to be a clump of hair on my pillow. I keep waiting for the scalp tingling they said may precede the hair loss, but so far I haven't felt anything. My mind says I'm ready to be bald and that it just means the chemo is working. My heart says something different now. It's starting to consume me, which means it just needs to happen so I can accept it and move on. I'm starting to wonder if people are going to stare at me, or feel badly for my girls when they see that there's something "wrong" with me. I know I shouldn't care, but these thoughts keep creeping back in.
But for now, I just have to worry about getting through tomorrow...
Matt and I held a brief strategy session the other night, discussing what we're going to do differently this time. I'm hopeful that with our new plan this coming week won't be so bad. In hindsight, I waited too long to take the anti nausea drugs last time. I would wait until I felt sick. This time I'm going to take the Zofran round the clock just in case. It also really helps knowing that I will eventually come out of the haze. Having had a good run this week, I'll be able to hold onto that in the bad days going forward.
Jay and Steph came to watch the girls last night so Matt and I could go to dinner and a movie. Date nights are rare when we're both healthy, so it was extra special to have one now. It was nice to be out, feeling good. It was one of the few times since December that, for a very few moments, I could forget about everything going on right now. And there's nothing like movie theater popcorn to cheer me up too!
I think the hardest part about this week is going to be waiting for my hair to come out. It's the oddest feeling to wake up every morning and wonder if there is going to be a clump of hair on my pillow. I keep waiting for the scalp tingling they said may precede the hair loss, but so far I haven't felt anything. My mind says I'm ready to be bald and that it just means the chemo is working. My heart says something different now. It's starting to consume me, which means it just needs to happen so I can accept it and move on. I'm starting to wonder if people are going to stare at me, or feel badly for my girls when they see that there's something "wrong" with me. I know I shouldn't care, but these thoughts keep creeping back in.
But for now, I just have to worry about getting through tomorrow...
Ah, the continual rollercoaster ride of emotions. People who have been through it or know someone who has will understand and wish you well; they won't stare. Glad the date night worked to make you feel better. This will all be a memory some day soon. Just keep remembering how much you are loved and how much you have to look forward to. Love Mama
ReplyDeleteLove, love.
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