I had been able to avoid thinking these two little words since my diagnosis. Sadly though, as I lay here this afternoon feeling totally crushed by this weeks chemo, this phrase finally made it's way into my thoughts. As I lay here crying, I tried to power through by plugging my iPod in and waiting for Cee Lo to take me to another place. But today, neither Cee Lo, nor Adele, nor Pink, or any of my other old standbys were working. I kept going back to "why ME?" It overwhelmed me, both the question of "why me," and the embarrassment I felt at actually thinking this. Why NOT me? What makes me any different from any other woman? Why should I NOT have to go through this, and someone else should? I absolutely don't feel that at all...so why would I even let this nasty little thought into my head? But since it wouldn't go away, I had to analyze it, of course. Some would say that overanalyzation is my specialty, and I wouldn't want to let anyone down.
I'll never know for sure why this happened to me. Why does anything happen to anyone? I know deep down that there is a reason though. While today is a dark day, a day where I feel like it's going to take everything I have to keep going, I know that I will make it. I'll do it for my husband, my girls, my parents, brothers, sisters, inlaws, extended family, and all of my girlfriends. All of these relationships have deepened and grown in so many ways since I was diagnosed. Every person in my life has shown me what it is to be a partner, a family, a friend. I never thought I took my relationships for granted, but yet I've learned so much from so many people. Maybe that's why ME. Maybe I needed a wake up call, or a lesson in humanity.
But to be honest, I wish there was an easier way I could have learned this lesson. My body is tired..and sore.. and the road still seems so long right now. I can't shake the thought of the cancer coming back in 2, 4, 10, or however many years. I don't know that I can do this again. I know I'd have to, and I'd give it all I had. I also know I shouldn't worry about that now. But this whole thing is just so hard sometimes.. it's just so hard sometimes to always think and do the "right" thing.
I'll never know for sure why this happened to me. Why does anything happen to anyone? I know deep down that there is a reason though. While today is a dark day, a day where I feel like it's going to take everything I have to keep going, I know that I will make it. I'll do it for my husband, my girls, my parents, brothers, sisters, inlaws, extended family, and all of my girlfriends. All of these relationships have deepened and grown in so many ways since I was diagnosed. Every person in my life has shown me what it is to be a partner, a family, a friend. I never thought I took my relationships for granted, but yet I've learned so much from so many people. Maybe that's why ME. Maybe I needed a wake up call, or a lesson in humanity.
But to be honest, I wish there was an easier way I could have learned this lesson. My body is tired..and sore.. and the road still seems so long right now. I can't shake the thought of the cancer coming back in 2, 4, 10, or however many years. I don't know that I can do this again. I know I'd have to, and I'd give it all I had. I also know I shouldn't worry about that now. But this whole thing is just so hard sometimes.. it's just so hard sometimes to always think and do the "right" thing.
Don't every worry about doing or saying the "right thing". What's right for one may not be right for another. Stop worrying about that and just be your beautiful self! Now unfortunately you know what every cancer patient worries about - the return. It's something others can't understand. That will always be with you, but don't let it consume you. As for the "why me", well that's one of the stages of cancer. We will never know why you, me, Aunt Maria, Aunt Carol, or any other woman. You are much loved by those who knows you. You are a beautiful person. Love Mama
ReplyDeleteI agree! As soon as I read the words "it's just so hard sometimes to always think and do the "right" thing" I wanted to tell you to stop worrying about that! No one expects you to always do the right thing even when you are healthy. Your story has been such an inspiration to me and I've been amazed at how "up" you always seem. Then you shared your "down" feelings and I was glad. It is normal to have ups and downs and it is great that you are comfortable enough to share both with us. I wish you a great week and even more, a great life. Sz
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