This is probably going to be the hardest entry I've written. But I have to do it to remain true to myself and to the original intent of the blog. I've finally realized why I've been so sad this past week though, and in order for me to move on I need to get it all out.
On July 3, 2010, we found out we were expecting our third baby. Matt and I were both thrilled and shocked. Before I had Charlotte, a "specialist" in SF advised me I had a 6% chance of conceiving naturally, and said I was at the end of my ovarian reserve. Two weeks later, I found out I was pregnant with Charlie. And then, one week after celebrating her first birthday, I found out I was pregnant again! Talk about beating the odds!!!
Sadly, that baby wasn't meant to be a part of our physical family. Towards the end of July I had an ultrasound that showed the baby never grew past 6 weeks gestation. There was never a detectable heartbeat. And on August 11 I had a d&c. I was devastated. It was a horrible time in my life, and up until now, it was the worst thing I had ever experienced. I ran the gamut of emotions - from feeling like I did something wrong, to feeling like I had no right to be sad since I have two healthy children.
I carried on by standing by the theory that everything happens for a reason. It wasn't the right time, there was something "wrong" with the baby, etc. And Matt and I held onto hope that it would happen again soon.
My due date was March 7, 2011. Since I had 2 prior c sections, my OB was already scheduling my c section for the week of Feb 28. I should be preparing to deliver a baby two weeks from now. Instead, I'm planning on starting chemo about 2 weeks from now.
In order to cope with this strange turn of events, I have my own theories of what happened and why.
Do I think it's a mere coincidence? Maybe, but probably not.
Do I think I have a guardian angel? Absolutely. We will never know if the baby was a girl or a boy. But I just assumed it was a girl due to our track record. We briefly discussed names, but tabled the conversation since it was still early days. However there was one girl name that Matt "didn't hate," which meant, to me at least, that it was all but decided. The name was Mary Louise. Louise for my dear Grandma. Mary mostly because I just love it, but I'd be lying if I said it didn't remind me of my Aunt Maria every time I said it. My Aunt Maria was the most wonderful woman, with a great laugh and the warmest sparkling brown eyes you'd ever see. She was diagnosed with Stage 4 breast cancer at 42, and bravely fought for 7 years. She is missed every single day by everyone in our family.
So here I sit, again not sure what to feel. I'll never be "happy" about losing my baby. But maybe my baby was sent to us (and taken away) for a reason - and that reason was to save MY life. If I had that baby, I wouldn't have had a mammogram for at least another year. And by then, things could have been tragic. How do I even wrap my head around that? As a mother, I'd give my life for any of my kids. But in order to forge ahead and deal with the challenge facing me now, I have to believe that all of these events are part of something bigger than me.
And I do believe I'll meet my baby someday. But for now (s)he is being cared for by some beautiful souls up above.
On July 3, 2010, we found out we were expecting our third baby. Matt and I were both thrilled and shocked. Before I had Charlotte, a "specialist" in SF advised me I had a 6% chance of conceiving naturally, and said I was at the end of my ovarian reserve. Two weeks later, I found out I was pregnant with Charlie. And then, one week after celebrating her first birthday, I found out I was pregnant again! Talk about beating the odds!!!
Sadly, that baby wasn't meant to be a part of our physical family. Towards the end of July I had an ultrasound that showed the baby never grew past 6 weeks gestation. There was never a detectable heartbeat. And on August 11 I had a d&c. I was devastated. It was a horrible time in my life, and up until now, it was the worst thing I had ever experienced. I ran the gamut of emotions - from feeling like I did something wrong, to feeling like I had no right to be sad since I have two healthy children.
I carried on by standing by the theory that everything happens for a reason. It wasn't the right time, there was something "wrong" with the baby, etc. And Matt and I held onto hope that it would happen again soon.
My due date was March 7, 2011. Since I had 2 prior c sections, my OB was already scheduling my c section for the week of Feb 28. I should be preparing to deliver a baby two weeks from now. Instead, I'm planning on starting chemo about 2 weeks from now.
In order to cope with this strange turn of events, I have my own theories of what happened and why.
Do I think it's a mere coincidence? Maybe, but probably not.
Do I think I have a guardian angel? Absolutely. We will never know if the baby was a girl or a boy. But I just assumed it was a girl due to our track record. We briefly discussed names, but tabled the conversation since it was still early days. However there was one girl name that Matt "didn't hate," which meant, to me at least, that it was all but decided. The name was Mary Louise. Louise for my dear Grandma. Mary mostly because I just love it, but I'd be lying if I said it didn't remind me of my Aunt Maria every time I said it. My Aunt Maria was the most wonderful woman, with a great laugh and the warmest sparkling brown eyes you'd ever see. She was diagnosed with Stage 4 breast cancer at 42, and bravely fought for 7 years. She is missed every single day by everyone in our family.
So here I sit, again not sure what to feel. I'll never be "happy" about losing my baby. But maybe my baby was sent to us (and taken away) for a reason - and that reason was to save MY life. If I had that baby, I wouldn't have had a mammogram for at least another year. And by then, things could have been tragic. How do I even wrap my head around that? As a mother, I'd give my life for any of my kids. But in order to forge ahead and deal with the challenge facing me now, I have to believe that all of these events are part of something bigger than me.
And I do believe I'll meet my baby someday. But for now (s)he is being cared for by some beautiful souls up above.
Oh Melissa! I'm so sorry for your loss. That must have been awful. But I agree with you 100% that there is a guardian angel out there named Mary Louise who is guiding your through this journey!
ReplyDeleteAlia's middle name is Mary after my wonderful Grandma Mary... and ironically her middle name was Louise. She was an awesome lady and an even better Grandma. I feel my eyes welling up just thinking of her. So, it's a GREAT NAME!!!
I have to laugh at your, "Matt didn't hate it" comment. We too had a similar way of picking names. If Titus didn't HATE it, it was a possibility. Who knew it would be the guys were were so picky about names?? :)
Anyway, take care!!! We're still praying!
Yes, this should have been one of the happiest times in your life. It truly is sad that Mary is not here to experience our love for her, but she knows how much she is loved. Her one true act of love for you is to be your guardian angel. We will all meet her someday. I know she will have Aunt Maria's eyes and laugh. I have missed her since she was taken away. We all feel your loss and are praying for your full and speedy recovery so you can fully enjoy the blessings that you were given. Hug each of the girls an extra hug for Mary every day. Love Mama
ReplyDeleteMelissa I've thought many times about how your situation could have been different had you not miscarried. God Bless Baby Mary. xo and xo to you through the next two weeks!!
ReplyDeleteMelly: Just love you so much.
ReplyDelete