I'm feeling sad today. I've been fighting this off all week, and it's just overwhelming today. Maybe it's because I'm so tired and can't sleep today. Or maybe it's the side effects of the pain meds...I've never handled those very well. But whatever it is, I'm sad. I feel like even though I'm here, I'm not present in my kids' lives right now. I know it's necessary for me to take care of myself, but the mom in me wants to take care of them, and Matt...not vice versa.
The other day Reagan told me I wasn't a "normal" Mommy because I can't take her to the park like other mommies do. To say that shattered my heart would be an understatement. I know it's just for a short period of time that I won't be able to do that, but what I consider a short period of time, and what she considers a short period of time, are two vastly different things. She says she understands that I'm not going to be like this forever, but it still makes me sad.
We have a new routine where she comes in bed with me in the mornings and we chat. Then she gets dressed and plays games on my phone while I play with her hair. And I get lots of hugs and kisses from her, which I desperately missed in the days following surgery.
When I'm up and about around the house, Charlie comes up to me with her little arms up saying "hold you" - meaning, obviously, "hold me".. and I can't. And my heart once again breaks. So instead I kneel down and say "Can you hold me?" She nods her little head and comes over and gives me a giant hug..which sort of hurts my chest and arm, but really just feels soooo good.
That's why I love hugs so much. The size of the arms don't matter..it's the love that's within them that does.
The other day Reagan told me I wasn't a "normal" Mommy because I can't take her to the park like other mommies do. To say that shattered my heart would be an understatement. I know it's just for a short period of time that I won't be able to do that, but what I consider a short period of time, and what she considers a short period of time, are two vastly different things. She says she understands that I'm not going to be like this forever, but it still makes me sad.
We have a new routine where she comes in bed with me in the mornings and we chat. Then she gets dressed and plays games on my phone while I play with her hair. And I get lots of hugs and kisses from her, which I desperately missed in the days following surgery.
When I'm up and about around the house, Charlie comes up to me with her little arms up saying "hold you" - meaning, obviously, "hold me".. and I can't. And my heart once again breaks. So instead I kneel down and say "Can you hold me?" She nods her little head and comes over and gives me a giant hug..which sort of hurts my chest and arm, but really just feels soooo good.
That's why I love hugs so much. The size of the arms don't matter..it's the love that's within them that does.
Do you accept virtual hugs? Oooooooxoxoooo!
ReplyDeleteLove comes from and within the heart. Your life will return to normal one day SOON and you will be able to do all the lifting, hugging, kissing, going to the park, pushing swings, amusement rides, etc. It's just a matter of time. Time does heal all wounds. You are doing great. Your emotions are part of the process and I love that you can express them so fully. Love Mama
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