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Late Night Musings

I haven't been sleeping well lately. Which really sucks because I enjoy sleep... a lot. I'm now exhausted all day long, and when night falls, I get some crazy second wind. I can catch maybe 3-4 hours of sleep a night and that's about it.

As I lay here awake each night, my mind wanders. Last night I was preoccupied by the strange concept of how people say I'm "sick." I can't bring myself to say this. I've never felt sick once since I was diagnosed. I feel fine. I feel sore still..but not sick. Never sick.

As chemo approaches, I realize that I'm about to look sick. Which is funny because the chemo is what is going to make me "better." But in order to be getting "better," I now will have to look sick. Technically can I even say that I have cancer now?! I want to say a big "Hell to the NO!" on that one. They took all of the (known) cancer out of my body. The chemo is preventative treatment to kill any floating cancer cells left that they don't know about. We don't know for sure that I'm "cancer free" but I like to think that I am.

This may not even be making any sense now - as I'm running on about 6 hours sleep in 3 days. But 5 weeks from now when I'm bald and rocking my penciled in eyebrows and super cool hats and scarves, do I say "I have cancer" or "I HAD cancer"?! I believe the technical terminology would be "I am being treated for cancer" but the reality is that random people aren't even going to ask. And technically it's all just semantics anyway I guess.

And now after re reading this post, I realize I may be getting delirious. Let's hope I can sleep tonight or I may become more of a raving lunatic.

Comments

  1. MamaFebruary 22, 2011 at 8:07 AM

    It's different for everyone dealing with cancer. I felt that sleep was a waste of time because I didn't know how much time I had. I also did not feel sick during the surgery stage. You are dealing with cancer. It's serious. That doesn't mean you won't survive - you will. It is more than an illness, it reaches every part of your emotions, your mind and your sense of self, etc. Just remember who you are and who you will become - A SURVIVOR. Random people may ask when they recognize the "look" because maybe they have been down that road and want to offer support. You won't look sick forever. You are strong and loved by many. Mama

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