My second chemo infusion was on Friday. I got a little cocky this time... Saturday was Reagan's birthday so I wanted to be up and about for it. I pushed myself too hard with going to Charlie's soccer game Sat morning, and then to the SR festival Sat night. I only stayed for two hours, long enough to feel sorry for myself that I couldn't hang out with my friends and play games like usual. But by 7 pm, I needed to get back to bed. The girls had a blast, as they always do, at festival. It was a weekend of eating too much junk, staying up too late, and winning "prizes" that will be left all over the house for weeks to come.
Reagan is used to sharing her birthday with festival. Her birthday hit me kind of hard this year. All I can think is "how many more birthdays will I get to spend with her?" I spent a good portion of Saturday morning crying. I chalk it up to the emotions of her birthday and my fear of the future mixed with the chemo. My girl is 11 now, and she is wise beyond her years. She has been thrust into this world of a sick mom and trying to navigate pre teen angst, her own friendships, and now this. She has, hands down, risen to the occasion though. She asks good questions, and we don't lie about the answers. She wants nothing more than for me to be comfortable, happy, and to be reassured that the chemo is working. For example, this past infusion has rocked me pretty hard. My legs have been hurting all weekend. Apparently Reagan spoke to Matt about it and he told her it's the chemo working in my bones. That makes her feel happy. She was laying with me saying that she's sorry I'm in pain, but the chemo is beating the cancer up.
Doing too much Sat put me out of commission on Sunday, except for a quick family dinner for Reagan at Nana and Papa's house. I thought that I was coming out of the chemo haze, but I was wrong. I woke up Monday morning puking a LOT. Poor Charlie walked in on me (because she doesn't knock!), and I scared her pretty badly. I kept yelling "I'm okay! It's just the chemo!" which thankfully she found funny. Reagan found nothing funny about it and proceeded to get me water, a washcloth, and insisted on laying in bed with me until I felt better. Once again she was just looking for reassurance that it meant the chemo is working. It breaks my heart to scare my kids so badly. It warms my heart to see their compassion and their desire to help me and make me better.
For as much as this sucks, I see two amazing kids growing up faster than they should have to into two amazing big kids who are full of compassion and empathy. Regardless of how this turns out, I know my girls are being shaped into their future selves by what we are experiencing as a family now. And it brings tears to my eyes when I realize what amazing kids they are, and what incredible women they are going to be. And I BETTER be here to witness it first hand.
Oh and lastly, I am super grateful to have this week off chemo. After this weekend, I need a break from the spanking it gave me this weekend.
Bone infusion on Thursday!!!!!!!!!!! Let's strengthen these weak little bones up!
Reagan is used to sharing her birthday with festival. Her birthday hit me kind of hard this year. All I can think is "how many more birthdays will I get to spend with her?" I spent a good portion of Saturday morning crying. I chalk it up to the emotions of her birthday and my fear of the future mixed with the chemo. My girl is 11 now, and she is wise beyond her years. She has been thrust into this world of a sick mom and trying to navigate pre teen angst, her own friendships, and now this. She has, hands down, risen to the occasion though. She asks good questions, and we don't lie about the answers. She wants nothing more than for me to be comfortable, happy, and to be reassured that the chemo is working. For example, this past infusion has rocked me pretty hard. My legs have been hurting all weekend. Apparently Reagan spoke to Matt about it and he told her it's the chemo working in my bones. That makes her feel happy. She was laying with me saying that she's sorry I'm in pain, but the chemo is beating the cancer up.
Doing too much Sat put me out of commission on Sunday, except for a quick family dinner for Reagan at Nana and Papa's house. I thought that I was coming out of the chemo haze, but I was wrong. I woke up Monday morning puking a LOT. Poor Charlie walked in on me (because she doesn't knock!), and I scared her pretty badly. I kept yelling "I'm okay! It's just the chemo!" which thankfully she found funny. Reagan found nothing funny about it and proceeded to get me water, a washcloth, and insisted on laying in bed with me until I felt better. Once again she was just looking for reassurance that it meant the chemo is working. It breaks my heart to scare my kids so badly. It warms my heart to see their compassion and their desire to help me and make me better.
For as much as this sucks, I see two amazing kids growing up faster than they should have to into two amazing big kids who are full of compassion and empathy. Regardless of how this turns out, I know my girls are being shaped into their future selves by what we are experiencing as a family now. And it brings tears to my eyes when I realize what amazing kids they are, and what incredible women they are going to be. And I BETTER be here to witness it first hand.
Oh and lastly, I am super grateful to have this week off chemo. After this weekend, I need a break from the spanking it gave me this weekend.
Bone infusion on Thursday!!!!!!!!!!! Let's strengthen these weak little bones up!
Your daughters being caring, compassionate, empathetic young ladies does not surprise me - they take after their mom. I know first hand how you are and you and Matt are raising fantastic women for the world to embrace. God bless you all. I am proud of my daughter and her family.
ReplyDelete"KICK ITS ASS, SEABASS!!!" And enjoy the week off!! Love and hugs and prayers!!!!
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