My "Mamm"wars: Fighting to Survive Stage 4 Breast Cancer

Well, the shit storm continued for a few weeks more. I was admitted to the ICU on May 30 with a bactierial infection called C Diff. It was incredibly painful. I stayed in the ICU two nights, went to the step down unit for a few nights, and spent the last few nights in a regular room. It was during this stay that a lot of reality sunk into my head. I became very peaceful, which is something I hope will stay with me now. Since I left the hospital, my liver functions keep going up, and my bilirubin (jaundice is 3X what it should be at.). There's basically no hope. Treatment has been stopped as my liver cannot handle processing any more drugs, chemo, whatever. Dr. Adler put me in touch with Mission Hospice and they already came out yesterday. I''ll have my first case visit with a nurse on Tuesday. Hospice does nothing to cure the disease, only to make myself and my family comfortable. They already were scrambling to get me a wheelchair yesterday as it is impossible for me to ...

So much time has gone by since my last post, so many highs and lows, so many tears and moments of hope and joy. In a nutshell, Matt and I left for Lourdes on May 1 and had the most intensely beautiful week of our lives. It was full of prayer, grace, hope and love. It filled us up with this immense sense of love for our faith and our fellow man. Words truly can't describe what we experienced. I cherish these moments because they were shared with Matt, my guy, my rock. He truly gets everything I am going through and we can just cry and be together with no words necessary. I'm not going to lie. I didn't expect there to be some outrageous miracle waiting for me when we left Lourdes, but I also didn't expect everything to kind of fall apart either. While in Lourdes, I was in contact with my oncologist at UCSF to get into a clinical trial immediately upon my return. We flew in Weds night and Friday morning I was up in the City getting bloodwork, EKG and Echos done. Somethin...

Shit seems to be going south quickly for me. After two rounds of iBrance, we have to now re-evaluate the treatment and possibly change it up. The first round ended with me in the hospital with the flu. This second round didn't end as dramatically, but I have been having major leg, scalp and scapula pains lately. My latest round of bloodwork was far from good. The alkaline phosphotase (indicator of bone turnover), and liver enzymes were both significantly raised. This could be simply a side effect of the iBrance, or it could be that the tumors are growing. The pains could be side effects, or they could be that the tumors are growing. Everything *could be* one or the other. The only thing that is certain is that I am being driven mad here waiting. I had more bloodwork done today, and scans are set for Thursday. I'll be having a CT scan and another bone scan since I haven't had one of those babies for almost a year now. Results will be in on Friday. I feel certain the bone s...

There aren't adequate words to describe the last three days of our trip. We drove from Sedona to Williams on Weds, stopping at this ridiculous place called Bearizona on the way. Anyone who knows me knows my incredible, irrational, insane fear of bears. So WHY would I agree to go to a "zoo" where you can drive through animal habitats and they are just walking around carefree by your car? Well, because I love my kids I guess. And I figured if we all die together at least we'll always be together. Kidding...kind of... But seriously, this place was crazy. We had lunch and walked through the caged animal part first, and of course went to the nasty old petting zoo portion. I get scared and my knees start knocking when a turkey comes within 10 feet of me, which always amuses Matt and the girls. Then we braved the driving portion. It was all fun and games at first...the deer and elk were fine and not scary. Followed by the rams and goats. Then the signs start appearing to rol...

Wow... I have been meaning to write so many times over the past month, but life keeps getting in the way. Or being too tired. I finally recovered from the flu, and life went back to normal...somewhat. But all the stuff I had meant to write about doesn't seem important now. All that is important now is this week. This time with the family. This trip. With so much excitement, we spent last week packing and preparing for our Grand Canyon experience that the Fairy Foundation was beyond generous to gift us with. Then Easter came, and the emotions hit me like a train. Every holiday is difficult these days as I always think "is this the last XXX day I will have." So those normal emotions hit on Easter along with "Wow..we're going on a great vacation because I am dying." Thinking about it that way kind of sucks and takes the fun out of it. But then 4 am Monday came, and as we piled into our Uber to the airport I began to get excited again. Monday was tough physi...

What a shit show the past few days have been. Everything was going great, I was feeling great, and then BAM! Tuesday after school I felt a bit run down but nothing too bad. I decided to stay home Wednesday just to play it safe. Well that's when shit spiraled out of control. My temp kept going up, I couldn't stay awake, I was essentially a giant mess. I found myself in the ER on Thursday after my temp spiked to 102.4. Within a few hours, it was confirmed I had the flu. The doctors admitted me to the ICU because my blood pressure and heart rate weren't stabilizing. To make matters worse, I had already infected Matt with my flu and he was in no shape to come be with me. It was a pretty scary time, but the nurses all made me feel very comfortable and well taken care of. They immediately started me on Tamiflu and antibiotics. They took bloodwork every three hours due to a fear of sepsis, and loaded me up with 2 liters of fluid. The next day I was moved out of ICU into a regular ...

I write often about how much I love my job. Besides marriage and motherhood, it is the most rewarding part of my life. Last Saturday was the annual dinner dance and auction where the 8th graders put on a little show for their parents. This year, the moms in charge tailored the 8th graders activity portion to suit them. That means less dancing on their part and more heartfelt tributes. They did a great job... as I knew they would. They wrote a very sweet thank you note to everyone who helped them along the way. When it came to the part where they thanked me, the DJ started playing "Fight Song," and I was called up to the stage. I knew they had something planned, but I didn't expect anything more than some kind words. I certainly didn't expect to be called up to the stage. They proceeded to gift me with a few of my favorite things: Diet Pepsi, Peet's coffee, Sour Patch Kids, and pink roses. I was too shocked to listen to everything that was said, but it was evident ...