Well, the shit storm continued for a few weeks more. I was admitted to the ICU on May 30 with a bactierial infection called C Diff. It was incredibly painful. I stayed in the ICU two nights, went to the step down unit for a few nights, and spent the last few nights in a regular room. It was during this stay that a lot of reality sunk into my head. I became very peaceful, which is something I hope will stay with me now.
Since I left the hospital, my liver functions keep going up, and my bilirubin (jaundice is 3X what it should be at.). There's basically no hope. Treatment has been stopped as my liver cannot handle processing any more drugs, chemo, whatever. Dr. Adler put me in touch with Mission Hospice and they already came out yesterday. I''ll have my first case visit with a nurse on Tuesday. Hospice does nothing to cure the disease, only to make myself and my family comfortable. They already were scrambling to get me a wheelchair yesterday as it is impossible for me to walk further than down our hallway. My legs and and ankles are still ridiculously swollen from the infection, so that isn't helping.
Matt and I weren't really expecting this news. I mean, I was to some extent. I know my body and I know that since April it's been going down hill. So Matt was crying a lot in Dr. Adler's office. All I cold do was hug him and say "I've had a good run." And I really and truly have. My life has been nothing short of amazing. I have FUN with almost everything I do. I've had a great career, and incredible marriage, I adore my friends and family. I got to travel to Europe with my family...and once just a epic girls trip! I've done more in 44 years than some people do in 80.
After we met the hospice people yesterday, we told the girls that the medicine isn't working and there's nothing the dr.s can do anymore. As expected the four of us sat around sobbing, we told the girls to let it out, scream, hit things, whatever they need. Charlotte stops crying for a minute and says "Well, this really isn't fair now is it?|" No baby, it's so far from fair it's crazy. But they did ask some great questions, and they seem to hold on to our Catholic believes. They know things happen for a reasons, they know I will ALWAYS be with them, and they know God will provide comfort during this time we need it.
So this summer isn't what we had hoped for. At all. But we are going to live gracefully, fearlessy, and full of love and FUN. We still have time to make memories and I refuse to waste that.
We appreciate all of the emails, gifts, calls, etc that have been coming to the house. Please know that this is all day to day with us, and not receiving an answer no way indicates we don't love and appreciate the support.
Since I left the hospital, my liver functions keep going up, and my bilirubin (jaundice is 3X what it should be at.). There's basically no hope. Treatment has been stopped as my liver cannot handle processing any more drugs, chemo, whatever. Dr. Adler put me in touch with Mission Hospice and they already came out yesterday. I''ll have my first case visit with a nurse on Tuesday. Hospice does nothing to cure the disease, only to make myself and my family comfortable. They already were scrambling to get me a wheelchair yesterday as it is impossible for me to walk further than down our hallway. My legs and and ankles are still ridiculously swollen from the infection, so that isn't helping.
Matt and I weren't really expecting this news. I mean, I was to some extent. I know my body and I know that since April it's been going down hill. So Matt was crying a lot in Dr. Adler's office. All I cold do was hug him and say "I've had a good run." And I really and truly have. My life has been nothing short of amazing. I have FUN with almost everything I do. I've had a great career, and incredible marriage, I adore my friends and family. I got to travel to Europe with my family...and once just a epic girls trip! I've done more in 44 years than some people do in 80.
After we met the hospice people yesterday, we told the girls that the medicine isn't working and there's nothing the dr.s can do anymore. As expected the four of us sat around sobbing, we told the girls to let it out, scream, hit things, whatever they need. Charlotte stops crying for a minute and says "Well, this really isn't fair now is it?|" No baby, it's so far from fair it's crazy. But they did ask some great questions, and they seem to hold on to our Catholic believes. They know things happen for a reasons, they know I will ALWAYS be with them, and they know God will provide comfort during this time we need it.
So this summer isn't what we had hoped for. At all. But we are going to live gracefully, fearlessy, and full of love and FUN. We still have time to make memories and I refuse to waste that.
We appreciate all of the emails, gifts, calls, etc that have been coming to the house. Please know that this is all day to day with us, and not receiving an answer no way indicates we don't love and appreciate the support.
You are an amazing spirit Melissa. Whatever God has in store for you will be beyond amazing here and beyond. You remain in so many of our thoughts, hearts and prayers. Peace be with you and your lovely family.����
ReplyDeleteDear Melissa,
ReplyDeleteour love support and prayers will never stop for you and your family . Every time I read your journal I think of “ I am the strongest girl I know”!... yes!!! ... You are the strongest girl I know! Your family is sooooo so lucky to have had you on this journey in your lives . No matter what happens please remember you impacted our lives and we love you and we will never stop believing in you! Xoxoxoxxo ������
-Deanne and Dalia Sweidan
Melissa, you're an incredible inspiration and fighter. I remember the Jonas Salk days, our NKOB obsession and the family trip you took me to Santa Cruz. You have the heart of a lion and the soul of an angel.
ReplyDeleteSending you love, eternal peace, and faith.
I hope you know that your diary will be a wonderful legacy to leave for your husband, daughters, family and friends. I can't imagine a better way to show the strength and candor you have shown during every aspect of this. You and your family are in our prayers, and your strength has been nothing short of inspiring.
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