Flu-sies

What a shit show the past few days have been. Everything was going great, I was feeling great, and then BAM! Tuesday after school I felt a bit run down but nothing too bad. I decided to stay home Wednesday just to play it safe. Well that's when shit spiraled out of control. My temp kept going up, I couldn't stay awake, I was essentially a giant mess. I found myself in the ER on Thursday after my temp spiked to 102.4. Within a few hours, it was confirmed I had the flu. The doctors admitted me to the ICU because my blood pressure and heart rate weren't stabilizing. To make matters worse, I had already infected Matt with my flu and he was in no shape to come be with me. It was a pretty scary time, but the nurses all made me feel very comfortable and well taken care of. They immediately started me on Tamiflu and antibiotics. They took bloodwork every three hours due to a fear of sepsis, and loaded me up with 2 liters of fluid. The next day I was moved out of ICU into a regular room, which was so nice to not be hooked up to 20 different monitors. I was there for one night, still taking the Tamiflu and antibiotics, and finally released today. The whole time I was there I couldn't help but think of all of the stories of people dying from the flu this year. So scary.

Matt came to get me today, but wouldn't come into to the hospital for fear of infecting everyone. So this sweet little teenage volunteer wheeled me out. As I got close to the exit and saw him out there, I got really excited. I knew I missed him, but I didn't realize how excited I was to be going home with him until I saw him. Then I started thinking about my favorite reality show.. The Bachelor. When the girls go more than one day without seeing the lame Bachelors, they always run up to them and jump on them, they do this spin and kiss. It's all so romantic and cutesy... it's really pretty lame and so NOT the reality of anyone I know. Anyway, missing Matt so much, and yet seeing the horrible shape we are both in the thought of this scenario playing out in actual "reality" made me start laughing in the wheelchair. Could you imagine? A bald, weak, flu ridden girl who can barely walk, let alone run making a break for her hot (literally, he has a fever) man who is doing the best he can to just stand up to get me in the car. He said he's so weak he'd actually drop me and I'd be right back in the hospital with more broken bones. But, hey, that is reality... it's not all cutesy and sexy.. it's flu-y and gross. That's what makes a relationship last. I think Matt and I should be signed on for a "real" reality show. God, how boring would that be...

I was laughing about my "reality show" scenario until we got home. Then I crawled in my own lovely bed, Matt went to pick up my meds, and I started bawling. It was like the floodgates opened and I couldn't stop. I couldn't catch my breath. The weight of the past few days along with the uncertainty of my future became just too much to bear. I didn't realize how scared I was the past few days. It all just hit me. Now I'm terrified of everything. I got sick SO fast and it got bad SO fast. And the underlying cause of it hasn't gone away. I'm so scared of the future, I'm so sad when I think about not being with my girls for all of the important times. I was so bummed just to miss Charlie's softball game today... how can I handle missing the really important stuff. It was all too overwhelming and the crying wouldn't stop for a long time. It did feel good to get it all out, and of course Matt was there to help me sort it all out. 

The reality is that it's great to be home, and I'm feeling so much better. But it did shake me up a bit and there are these moments of sadness and terror that overtake me sometimes. I expect it'll happen from time to time. I try so hard to just handle my business, but sometimes the wheels come off. Thank God for Matt always being here to talk me down. 

But for now we both have strict orders to rest rest rest.