Shit seems to be going south quickly for me. After two rounds of iBrance, we have to now re-evaluate the treatment and possibly change it up. The first round ended with me in the hospital with the flu. This second round didn't end as dramatically, but I have been having major leg, scalp and scapula pains lately. My latest round of bloodwork was far from good. The alkaline phosphotase (indicator of bone turnover), and liver enzymes were both significantly raised. This could be simply a side effect of the iBrance, or it could be that the tumors are growing. The pains could be side effects, or they could be that the tumors are growing. Everything *could be* one or the other. The only thing that is certain is that I am being driven mad here waiting.
I had more bloodwork done today, and scans are set for Thursday. I'll be having a CT scan and another bone scan since I haven't had one of those babies for almost a year now. Results will be in on Friday. I feel certain the bone scan won't be great. My scapula has been screaming lately and the pelvic bone that was fractured last summer has been crazy sore too. Although in a sick, sadistic way I enjoy hearing about all of my fractures and how I still keep on keepin' on with these brittle ass bones.
There is one sliver of hope for me in all of this. I contacted Dr. Rugo at UCSF and asked about the Guardant 360 bloodwork I had done a few months ago. It looks like there are 4 mutations that have known targeted therapies that work. She is rushing to get the results of the blood and scans in to see if I qualify for a clinical trial. The blood I had taken today HAS to, just HAS to have lower liver enzymes or it's dead in the water.
I am having a really hard time with all of this. So far the treatments have either been working or keeping everything stable. I haven't had to deal with growth yet. It makes it all too real and scary. I've been off kilter the last few weeks and I just feel something isn't right, which in itself scares me. Then I remind myself that the iBrance is still chemotherapy and there ARE side effects. A person can't take major cancer fighting drugs and not experience any negative effects. So I am praying that this is all it is, but I am preparing for bad news.
While discussing all of this with Dr. Adler last week I couldn't help but start crying in his office. He was so sweet and positive. He said we are in no way backed into a corner and that there are still a lot of options. I need to hold on to those words, yet it seems like those 5 words keep getting lost in the noise in my head.
We celebrated Matt's birthday this past weekend. Once again I can't help but get caught up in the whole "is this the last birthday of his I'll be here for?!" Living in this world of fear and uncertainty is overwhelming and exhausting. When I'm in pain, like I have been lately, it makes everything harder too. Shit piles on top of shit when I get down like this. I feel horrible, I lose hope, and I cry a lot. I want to be normal. I want things to go back to normal. But it never will. It'll never end...until it ends, that is.
I had more bloodwork done today, and scans are set for Thursday. I'll be having a CT scan and another bone scan since I haven't had one of those babies for almost a year now. Results will be in on Friday. I feel certain the bone scan won't be great. My scapula has been screaming lately and the pelvic bone that was fractured last summer has been crazy sore too. Although in a sick, sadistic way I enjoy hearing about all of my fractures and how I still keep on keepin' on with these brittle ass bones.
There is one sliver of hope for me in all of this. I contacted Dr. Rugo at UCSF and asked about the Guardant 360 bloodwork I had done a few months ago. It looks like there are 4 mutations that have known targeted therapies that work. She is rushing to get the results of the blood and scans in to see if I qualify for a clinical trial. The blood I had taken today HAS to, just HAS to have lower liver enzymes or it's dead in the water.
I am having a really hard time with all of this. So far the treatments have either been working or keeping everything stable. I haven't had to deal with growth yet. It makes it all too real and scary. I've been off kilter the last few weeks and I just feel something isn't right, which in itself scares me. Then I remind myself that the iBrance is still chemotherapy and there ARE side effects. A person can't take major cancer fighting drugs and not experience any negative effects. So I am praying that this is all it is, but I am preparing for bad news.
While discussing all of this with Dr. Adler last week I couldn't help but start crying in his office. He was so sweet and positive. He said we are in no way backed into a corner and that there are still a lot of options. I need to hold on to those words, yet it seems like those 5 words keep getting lost in the noise in my head.
We celebrated Matt's birthday this past weekend. Once again I can't help but get caught up in the whole "is this the last birthday of his I'll be here for?!" Living in this world of fear and uncertainty is overwhelming and exhausting. When I'm in pain, like I have been lately, it makes everything harder too. Shit piles on top of shit when I get down like this. I feel horrible, I lose hope, and I cry a lot. I want to be normal. I want things to go back to normal. But it never will. It'll never end...until it ends, that is.
Try to stay positive and let the little " WHAT IF" monster go to hell with the devil. It is always scary when there are unknowns. We are all praying for you to be back to your "normal" self! I am happy you have this outlet to vent your feelings and let us all in on what is going on in your head. You are the strongest, most positive woman I know and have a marriage made in heaven. Hopefully this is all side-effects from the drugs they give you to heal. Love you.
ReplyDeleteLOVE you my friend! You just keep on chugging and Praying!! Cancer can suck it!
ReplyDeleteJackie