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CANcer

What an incredible few weeks we've had. The holidays were as fun and eventful as expected, and just as I thought, the January funk is starting to set in. Whenever I spend time with my brothers it takes a few days to come back to reality afterwards. I realize how much I miss them and I get all weepy and sappy after we part ways. Now that they both have kids that I adore, it makes it even tougher. Now that they have kids and I have cancer, it makes it ridiculously tough as I think that my nieces and nephews may not ever know me. Although I guess that's better than them knowing me and not liking me - but I can't imagine that would happen....

Anyway, the week before Christmas I was given a chemo reprieve due to lack of white blood cells. That meant that when I went in on the 29th I had had two full weeks off. I was feeling good. I was almost back to my old self energy-wise. I had been out walking a lot in Yosemite and all around Jamestown and Columbia... I had *almost* forgotten my reality. Then chemo came and hit me like the proverbial wrecking ball. I was down and out for about 3 days. The family seemed to also have *almost* forgotten my reality and they were also hit by it when I came back to the lake a completely different person. The last few days there I wasn't up playing games, having cocktails and being my usual effervescent self. 

That said, I had concocted a plan that I knew Matt and Chris would join me in. I asked them to start the new year off with a polar bear dip in the freezing waters of Pine Mountain Lake on January 1. I wasn't surprised at all that Chris agreed to it. I think he's largely responsible for my love of grabbing life by the balls. I've always watched my big brother embrace life and have fun and I knew he'd be game for this..in fact I'd be surprised if he hadn't done it before. So my guys jumped, or in my and Matt's case I should say "waded", in and started the year with a jolt. It was fantastic. I loved it once the feeling of 10,000 knives stabbing my legs faded away. 

That's when I decided this is my year of CAN. Not CANCER...just CAN. I'm going to embrace doing whatever I CAN do and have the time of my life doing it. I'm going to try not to focus on things I can't or can no longer do, but instead the stuff I am still able to. I'm going to make my bucket list up as I go and check things off left and right. I'm going to grab whatever life I have left by the balls and not let go - and hopefully I'll be holding on to those balls for a very long time. I'm going to make 2018 my bitch... like what 2017 did to me. 

Although admittedly I did spend time today crying because I'm scared of what this year holds for me. But to that I say that I am still human. I may stumble, but I will always get up...because I still CAN.




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