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Anniversary

Today is a big anniversary for me. 7 years ago today I had my DIEP flap surgery - double mastectomy where they used my abdomen fat to immediately re create my breasts. It was my long awaited boob job and tummy tuck; it just included cancer as well. 7 years ago my hell started. Every single decision Matt and I made about my illness was made together. We agreed on everything and kept saying that the more aggressive we were back then, the more chance we had of thwarting a recurrence. So I went big for everything. Mastectomy vs. lumpectomy, dose dense chemo, radiation, and then hormonal therapy to squash any estrogen left in my body. A year after my surgery, I took preventative measures and had my ovaries removed too. I did EVERYTHING I could. I was STILL taking hormone suppressants when this shit came back almost 7 years later.

I've been fighting this fucking monster for 7 years today. I had moments of cockiness where, on this day, I'd even post a stupid fucking Facebook status like "Cancer free 5 years!" What a jackass I was. I was never cancer free. Maybe the bragging is what enraged the cancer cells and made them come full force with a recurrence.

7 years of waking up every day and thinking about how I'm a cancer patient. 7 years of worry and fear. 7 years of telling myself I did everything I could.

Well, it wasn't good enough. What the fuck did I do wrong? Why is it back? Why did I jump through all of those hoops just to be back here now?

The only solace I can find is that I've had these extra 7 years with my family, I started a new career I love, I became more aware of what is important in life. But today, that doesn't help. Today I am bitter and angry and just so so so totally sad.

If I didn't do EVERYTHING I could have done, would I still be here today? Maybe that's where I can find solace. At least I'm here still and the doctors keep saying new drugs have been approved and are still being approved that weren't around 7 years ago.

It also doesn't help that I am in chemo hell today. So this anniversary is particularly hard. It's really hard for me to find anything positive to say or feel today. I'm going to go back to bed and be pissed off and cry and hopefully wake up tomorrow ready to keep fighting. I really have no other option.

Comments

  1. Pat MJanuary 21, 2018 at 11:44 AM

    You did all you could do. Nothing more could be expected of you. Yes they are finding new "drugs" and finding new ways of treating this monster. Is anyone who has been diagnosed with cancer really "cancer-free". I don't think so. Sometimes it's not a matter of "IF" but a matter of "WHEN" it will come back. Take your day of sadness and come back fighting mad. Think of all the people you love who didn't make it and do it for them, but most of all do it for yourself and your family. Those girls and Matthew need you and you have to do anything that will help - even eating ice cream for breakfast. Remember you are loved by many, and an inspiration to all who know you.

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  2. bagelnosherJanuary 21, 2018 at 6:35 PM

    As I always said to my kids -- you might even remember it! ha ha -- "Life isn't fair." It darn sure isn't -- but wow, you've really proven it, in spades. I'm so sorry -- wish there were a magic wand or something. Wish I could help. But all I can do is say thank you to you, for sharing your story so publicly. and so articulately. You're helping all of us out here to remember the things that are important - and those that aren't. And your example of grace -- courage under pressure -- is something the rest of us could only hope to do, were we in your situation. Hang in there, kiddo! YOU CAN DO THIS!!!

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