My "Mamm"wars: Fighting to Survive Stage 4 Breast Cancer

I had my first post op appointment with Dr. Griffin today. I was irritable and nervous leading up to it. I've been cooped up in the house since last Wednesday, and really haven't been "out" since the day before surgery. I've got cabin fever. So I was excited to get ready, until I realized I still can't lift my arms to put on makeup. And if I got the makeup on...I would have NO CLUE how to thoroughly wash my face to remove it tonight! And I was getting nervous about what Dr. Griffin would say. When I get exceptionally bored just laying around, I start to feel myself up a bit - and pretend I would actually be able to tell if something were drastically wrong. I've always been known to push, pull, poke, prod, and pick at things..and this time it's no different. But regardless, it was nice to put on some clean yoga pants, pin up my drains, and hit the road. All that worry was for nothing though. Dr. Griffin said everything is looking great! I'm he...

When we explained to Reagan that I have cancer, we told her that I will take medicine that may make me lose my hair. Ever since then, she's been adamant that I get a clown wig. In fact, it's pretty much all she talks about when "mommy not feeling well" is mentioned. Since getting home from the hospital, I've taken every opportunity to discuss any and all parts of this with her that she wants. If she asks about my boobies, we give her very straightforward answers - and her questions usually end up back to "When are you getting a clown wig, Mommy?" A few days ago, she was leaving for school and came over to the bed to say goodbye. She had some change in her pocket and fished it out. She said "Here, Mommy. This is money to put towards your clown wig." So what is a good mommy to do?! Buy a clown wig, of course!! At first I was not totally on board with this. My thoughts were: I'll whack my boobs off for you, but I draw the line at wearing a c...

Time is such an odd concept to me now. The only thing I have to do is get better. I don't have to be anywhere (until 3:15 on Monday that is). I can't take care of the girls, and I am in no condition to micro manage Matt, so I don't care what time of day it is regarding meals, snacks, naps, etc. I keep forgetting what day of the week it is. And I don't forsee this changing over the next few weeks. I don't have an appointment with my oncologist, Dr. Adler, until Feb 18. I have no idea how far away that even is. It's such a strange feeling. It really hit me this morning though in a sad way. I realized it was Saturday. Saturday is my favorite day of the week usually. After working all week and being away from the girls, I love our Saturday mornings together. It's the first day we don't have to rush around and eat, get ready, get lunches packed, and get out of the house by 7:30. We hang out in our pajamas, watch cartoons, play, and decide which park we'...

It's been a week since I've been able to write. It feels like a year... Friday morning I would go from being eerily calm, to just a puddle of tears. We arrived at the hospital right at 6:30 along with my parents. By 7 I had been admitted, put in a hospital gown, vital signs taken, and had even met with the anesthesiologist. Around 7, Dr. Griffin came in and asked me to stand in front of him so he could "mark" me up. Seriously, this has got to stop. It is so humiliating to stand there in front of someone and show him your every flaw. But I do it, of course. And, I'm sure like most women, I suck my gut in as I'm standing there. He says "Let your belly out, Melissa." Fine. I let it out... a little. "Melissa, let it out all the way..." Fine. BAM - I let it go. Just to hear "Ahh...there we go! Yeah! We can get a lot with this! I think you'll be just as big, if not bigger, than before." I didn't know if I should laugh or cry. ...

I was shocked today when I woke up. I was 100% sure I would NOT sleep last night. But not only did I sleep, I probably slept better than I have in weeks. I started thinking of how I should send the "girls" off.  It would be my last 24 hours with them, after all. Flashing people in New Orleans for Mardi Gras was out, and the only other thing I could think of was to sunbathe topless. But alas, I live in San Bruno. So the only rational solution was to go shopping.... again. The girls were at school and daycare today so as not to totally disrupt their lives. And Matt worked last night so he needed to sleep. I had the morning to myself and had a surprisingly nice and very relaxing time. At 2, I woke Matt up and we had to go down to my home away from home - the hospital. Today's appointment was in Nuclear Medicine. That just sounds daunting, doesn't it? After waiting a while, I was finally shown to a room that had a huge contraption in it. It resembled an MRI machine, b...

I met another angel today. Her name is Elisabeth, and she was the nurse who did my pre admission at the hospital. She was warm and friendly from the beginning. As soon as she took me into her little office and started looking through my paperwork she said "You're 36?" I replied  "Yes." Then she says "I was diagnosed with breast cancer when I was 36 also. I'm 51 now." I almost started crying (with joy). Here she was, alive and beautiful and perfectly healthy! As we kept wading through the paperwork she told me more and more of her story. She had 3 young kids when she was diagnosed. And she was going through a divorce. Her husband left her for her best friend. Yowza. I realized once again that no matter how bad things may seem...someone, somewhere, always has it worse. I could not imagine going through this without Matt's support. I know that when I come out of this tunnel, my family will still be there at the other side. She also had a doubl...

With 72 hours left with "the girls," I woke up today thinking of what I can do with them that they hadn't ever done before. But I looked at my list of things I need to do before Friday, and realized that I have a months worth of stuff to do in just 3 days. I spent all morning cleaning and running errands. This afternoon, I picked up Jess and we headed back to Dr. Griffin's (or, as Jess says, Dr. Awesome ) office for my first pre-op appointment of the week. This visit was a complete mixture of fear and excitement. The before and after pictures of prior patients who had the same surgery are beyond impressive. I've seen them before, but they amaze me every time. In 1-3 years, the scarring should be gone and I will look as good as new! However, he threw in a few pictures of how I'm going to look immediately following surgery. There were quite a few tubes and drains there that I wish I didn't know about. Unfortunately, it's going to be pretty ugly for a w...