It started with the hurricanes, then the shooting in Las Vegas, and now the fires in Northern California (and this isn't even reaching into the global perspective). We can't escape the devastation everywhere. It's overwhelming to me at times. It takes my breath away and makes me realize that I am but one small person in this big world full of craziness. Matt says it doesn't diminish my own feelings about my situation. But for me, it makes me realize that I'm not the only one suffering. So many others are experiencing even greater suffering right now. Like I said, sometimes it's too much for me to bear and I find myself just sobbing. The pain so many people are feeling right now is heartbreaking. I realize how these people lost their lives in the blink of an eye...literally. I have been given quite the cross to bear, but I have TIME. There is no expiration date on my life yet (well, there IS..but only God knows that date right now). I have the ability to tell the people I love how much I love them, I have the ability to still try and make a difference. Those abilities were stripped from so many people this past month.
It hit me hard last week. Jess and Pat took the girls after school on Thursday and I had a full on screaming/crying/sobbing session at home by myself. A lot of it was my feeling sorry for myself. But a lot of it was for the stories of those I keep hearing on the news. It was cathartic, it was exhausting, it was just what I needed. I woke up Friday with puffy eyes and a renewed determination. There is NO evidence that this chemo is not working. There is NO evidence that I'm getting worse. Therefore, I'm getting better. I've decided it, so it must be so, right?!
Chemo on Friday went well. Everyone was surprised to see how much better I looked this week as opposed to last week. I told them that's what happens when you're no longer withdrawing from morphine. The weekend was spent in bed resting. Unfortunately, because I missed that one week of chemo I now have to do 3 weeks in a row. This Friday I meet with the nurse before the infusion so I will be trying to nail down a date for the scans. Last week Dr. Adler said it would be pushed back, but I am going to try and push it forward. UCSF has me on the schedule for Nov 13, so I don't want to wait any longer for that appointment. Plus, I just want to know what's happening inside this broken down body of mine.
But for now, it's not all about me. It's about everyone else in the world suffering from just as devastating events as a stage 4 cancer diagnosis. My prayers are going out to all of these people who are still recovering from tragedy, and will continue to suffer the effects for the rest of their lives. I pray they can find peace amidst the horror, and strength to carry on.
It hit me hard last week. Jess and Pat took the girls after school on Thursday and I had a full on screaming/crying/sobbing session at home by myself. A lot of it was my feeling sorry for myself. But a lot of it was for the stories of those I keep hearing on the news. It was cathartic, it was exhausting, it was just what I needed. I woke up Friday with puffy eyes and a renewed determination. There is NO evidence that this chemo is not working. There is NO evidence that I'm getting worse. Therefore, I'm getting better. I've decided it, so it must be so, right?!
Chemo on Friday went well. Everyone was surprised to see how much better I looked this week as opposed to last week. I told them that's what happens when you're no longer withdrawing from morphine. The weekend was spent in bed resting. Unfortunately, because I missed that one week of chemo I now have to do 3 weeks in a row. This Friday I meet with the nurse before the infusion so I will be trying to nail down a date for the scans. Last week Dr. Adler said it would be pushed back, but I am going to try and push it forward. UCSF has me on the schedule for Nov 13, so I don't want to wait any longer for that appointment. Plus, I just want to know what's happening inside this broken down body of mine.
But for now, it's not all about me. It's about everyone else in the world suffering from just as devastating events as a stage 4 cancer diagnosis. My prayers are going out to all of these people who are still recovering from tragedy, and will continue to suffer the effects for the rest of their lives. I pray they can find peace amidst the horror, and strength to carry on.
Among many other reasons, I love you for being the loving and compassionate person you are.
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