Thursday was my first infusion of Zometa. My great friend Tricia took me down to the cancer center for the 10 am drip. Having a husband with diagnosed PTSD, words like "trigger" have become a part of our normal vocabulary. Well, I was full on triggered as I walked into the back room for the infusion. It brought me back to six years ago when I was there every two weeks for the "hard core" chemo that was going to save my life.
I started to choke back tears full of bitterness and anger. I was able to handle the infusion room before because I was so SURE I was doing everything to never have to be there again. I could do it then because there was an end date in sight. But now.... well, now it's all changed.
Trish and I picked out a comfy corner and continued our chatting. One of the nurses remembered me from my first go round, and knows Trish as well from the nursing world. Like all of the nurses, she is so sweet and kind that my bitterness quickly dissipated and I was just ready to get down to business.
I didn't really know much about what this Zometa does, so I asked the nurses if this is a one time infusion, or if I will be having this again. Turns out it is given once a month for a year, and then every three months going forward. It sort of caulks your bones. I'm sure that's totally not an accurate description of what this drug does, but it strengthens and fills in the cracks in bones. It is used along with chemo for people with tumors in their bones, but can also be used for osteoporosis.
Once I was hooked up, I started to envision the drug coarsing through my body and snapping my bones back into place. I channeled Reagan's favorite show, Flash, and how when Flash's body is mangled, they use whatever super powers they have and zip him back into perfect shape. Thirty minutes later, Trish and I were on our way to Jack's for mimosas and lunch.
In the days following the infusion, I truly felt like my bones were stronger and hurt less. I started to slack a little on my Advil and Vicodin intake. Bad idea. Yesterday Matt and I went up to the City with Pat, Jess and Jess' mom, Bev, for lunch. I walked a tiny bit, and then spent the afternoon hanging out with them. I guess that put my bones over the edge because I cannot move today. It's really frustrating and depressing. I hate falling into that funk where I think it's going to be like this "forever." Or for as long as I have left here. Because the reality is that we all have bad days in life. This is a really bad day for me. But yesterday was NOT a bad day. Yesterday was a great, fun, NORMAL day. And I truly believe I have a ton of great, fun normal days ahead. It just sucks that they are usually followed by crappy days.
BUT.... treatment hasn't even started yet. So I have to remain focused, calm, and determined that treatment will hopefully give me more of those normal days. I also have to face reality that with treatment will come terrible, exhausting, painful days.
Tomorrow is my port consultation, and Tuesday is our meeting with Dr. Adler. We will find out if the pathology has changed since 2011 or stayed the same. We're also breaking the news to Dr. Adler about MD Anderson on Tuesday. I'm a little nervous... what if he thinks I'm not happy with him? I keep reminding myself that it's MY life and I need to check out all of my options so that I can be here for as long as possible. I'm sure I'm not the first patient to seek out a second opinion. I'm just glad Matt will be there with me for this conversation.
I started to choke back tears full of bitterness and anger. I was able to handle the infusion room before because I was so SURE I was doing everything to never have to be there again. I could do it then because there was an end date in sight. But now.... well, now it's all changed.
Trish and I picked out a comfy corner and continued our chatting. One of the nurses remembered me from my first go round, and knows Trish as well from the nursing world. Like all of the nurses, she is so sweet and kind that my bitterness quickly dissipated and I was just ready to get down to business.
I didn't really know much about what this Zometa does, so I asked the nurses if this is a one time infusion, or if I will be having this again. Turns out it is given once a month for a year, and then every three months going forward. It sort of caulks your bones. I'm sure that's totally not an accurate description of what this drug does, but it strengthens and fills in the cracks in bones. It is used along with chemo for people with tumors in their bones, but can also be used for osteoporosis.
Once I was hooked up, I started to envision the drug coarsing through my body and snapping my bones back into place. I channeled Reagan's favorite show, Flash, and how when Flash's body is mangled, they use whatever super powers they have and zip him back into perfect shape. Thirty minutes later, Trish and I were on our way to Jack's for mimosas and lunch.
In the days following the infusion, I truly felt like my bones were stronger and hurt less. I started to slack a little on my Advil and Vicodin intake. Bad idea. Yesterday Matt and I went up to the City with Pat, Jess and Jess' mom, Bev, for lunch. I walked a tiny bit, and then spent the afternoon hanging out with them. I guess that put my bones over the edge because I cannot move today. It's really frustrating and depressing. I hate falling into that funk where I think it's going to be like this "forever." Or for as long as I have left here. Because the reality is that we all have bad days in life. This is a really bad day for me. But yesterday was NOT a bad day. Yesterday was a great, fun, NORMAL day. And I truly believe I have a ton of great, fun normal days ahead. It just sucks that they are usually followed by crappy days.
BUT.... treatment hasn't even started yet. So I have to remain focused, calm, and determined that treatment will hopefully give me more of those normal days. I also have to face reality that with treatment will come terrible, exhausting, painful days.
Tomorrow is my port consultation, and Tuesday is our meeting with Dr. Adler. We will find out if the pathology has changed since 2011 or stayed the same. We're also breaking the news to Dr. Adler about MD Anderson on Tuesday. I'm a little nervous... what if he thinks I'm not happy with him? I keep reminding myself that it's MY life and I need to check out all of my options so that I can be here for as long as possible. I'm sure I'm not the first patient to seek out a second opinion. I'm just glad Matt will be there with me for this conversation.
Comments
Post a Comment