Well, the verdict is in. My cancer is officially a stubborn little bitch. The pathology hasn't changed AT ALL. It is still estrogen receptor positive. Apparently it's so stubborn and aggressive, it doesn't care that I literally shut down all of the estrogen in my body to prevent it from growing. It still managed to grow and spread. I'm not even sure I was ever "cancer free" at this point.
Dr. Adler gave us his recommendation yesterday. He told us about three options, but his official preference is #1. They are:
1. Abraxane (nab-paclitaxel) - This is an IV chemo that will be administered for two weeks with the third week off. So Monday, Monday, Monday off, etc. FOREVER. Well, not forever, until it stops working, which he said will happen at some point. The side effects are neuropathy and *maybe* hair loss. He said we should hit it hard with this drug due to the liver and lung involvement. My issue with this is that it is a form of Taxol - the drug I took in 2011. So if it didn't work in 2011, WHY is it going to work now?! I get that it's just a "form" of the same drug, but I have my concerns.
2. Zolota
3. Faslodex - which is an oral drug that I would take along with iBrance (the commercial is on ALL THE TIME with a cute little lady who is living the life with her metastatic breast cancer!)
He didn't tell us too much about choices 2 and 3 yet. We started talking about MD Anderson. He was questioning why we chose MD and not UCSF or Stanford. He didn't necessarily have bad things to say about MD, but he wasn't overly excited for us either. He gave me a few questions to ask them, like why do they feel their recommendations are superior, and if they put me in a clinical trial, can I be monitored at Stanford or UCSF to limit trips to Texas. Those are good questions, and we will, of course, ask them.
So as it stands right now, I am done with appointments until we go to Texas. Decisions will have to be made after we are seen out there. The problem with that is I am a Marcazzo, and we joke that Marcazzo's aren't good with making decisions (mainly just Jay and I). I really really enjoy these types of decisions to be made for me. But yet, I did that the first time. I blindly followed what the doctors told me. I did every recommendation they made....and I'm still here. I need to figure out how to make this decision and find comfort and peace in whatever I choose.
My port is scheduled to be put in on 9/6, so technically if we go with Dr. Adler's rec, chemo can start any time after that. He did say I shouldn't put off treatment any longer than that. Which I wholeheartedly agree with. I need to feel like I'm doing something to beat this.
After my appointment yesterday I was exhausted. My mind was overworked, and I was feeling pissy and irritable. Yes, I was starting to feel sorry for myself too. I honestly hate having to deal with this. I hate that a "good" day means my pain level is a 2 or 3. I hate that I am consumed with taking my meds, icing my bones, having to make these decisions, and constantly thinking of how I can NOT leave my babies behind without their Mom.
But then I drove back up to school and was given an amazing gift. Some of my old students got together and made me a card/poster with photos and notes. When I got home with the girls, Reagan and I read them. It was like a dam broke...the tears were unstoppable. Charlie was so worried, until I told her they were happy tears. I felt like Sally Field when I told the girls "They really like me!"
And then it hit me. Yesterday, I was focusing on what cancer has taken from me. The reality is that cancer has given me more than it has, or ever will, take from me. After my first diagnosis, I decided to go back to school to finish my credential and start teaching. Cancer gave me my career. If it wasn't for my cancer, I wouldn't be where I am today. I wouldn't know these incredible kids that I have met over the past few years, I wouldn't be able to share my passion for reading and writing, and I wouldn't be as happy as I've been. The past 6 years have really been amazing. I'm not ready for all of this to end. I have many years of angsty teens I need to meet and get to know and help grow and blossom.
So you know what, cancer...it's time for me to beat the crap out of you once and for all.
Dr. Adler gave us his recommendation yesterday. He told us about three options, but his official preference is #1. They are:
1. Abraxane (nab-paclitaxel) - This is an IV chemo that will be administered for two weeks with the third week off. So Monday, Monday, Monday off, etc. FOREVER. Well, not forever, until it stops working, which he said will happen at some point. The side effects are neuropathy and *maybe* hair loss. He said we should hit it hard with this drug due to the liver and lung involvement. My issue with this is that it is a form of Taxol - the drug I took in 2011. So if it didn't work in 2011, WHY is it going to work now?! I get that it's just a "form" of the same drug, but I have my concerns.
2. Zolota
3. Faslodex - which is an oral drug that I would take along with iBrance (the commercial is on ALL THE TIME with a cute little lady who is living the life with her metastatic breast cancer!)
He didn't tell us too much about choices 2 and 3 yet. We started talking about MD Anderson. He was questioning why we chose MD and not UCSF or Stanford. He didn't necessarily have bad things to say about MD, but he wasn't overly excited for us either. He gave me a few questions to ask them, like why do they feel their recommendations are superior, and if they put me in a clinical trial, can I be monitored at Stanford or UCSF to limit trips to Texas. Those are good questions, and we will, of course, ask them.
So as it stands right now, I am done with appointments until we go to Texas. Decisions will have to be made after we are seen out there. The problem with that is I am a Marcazzo, and we joke that Marcazzo's aren't good with making decisions (mainly just Jay and I). I really really enjoy these types of decisions to be made for me. But yet, I did that the first time. I blindly followed what the doctors told me. I did every recommendation they made....and I'm still here. I need to figure out how to make this decision and find comfort and peace in whatever I choose.
My port is scheduled to be put in on 9/6, so technically if we go with Dr. Adler's rec, chemo can start any time after that. He did say I shouldn't put off treatment any longer than that. Which I wholeheartedly agree with. I need to feel like I'm doing something to beat this.
After my appointment yesterday I was exhausted. My mind was overworked, and I was feeling pissy and irritable. Yes, I was starting to feel sorry for myself too. I honestly hate having to deal with this. I hate that a "good" day means my pain level is a 2 or 3. I hate that I am consumed with taking my meds, icing my bones, having to make these decisions, and constantly thinking of how I can NOT leave my babies behind without their Mom.
But then I drove back up to school and was given an amazing gift. Some of my old students got together and made me a card/poster with photos and notes. When I got home with the girls, Reagan and I read them. It was like a dam broke...the tears were unstoppable. Charlie was so worried, until I told her they were happy tears. I felt like Sally Field when I told the girls "They really like me!"
And then it hit me. Yesterday, I was focusing on what cancer has taken from me. The reality is that cancer has given me more than it has, or ever will, take from me. After my first diagnosis, I decided to go back to school to finish my credential and start teaching. Cancer gave me my career. If it wasn't for my cancer, I wouldn't be where I am today. I wouldn't know these incredible kids that I have met over the past few years, I wouldn't be able to share my passion for reading and writing, and I wouldn't be as happy as I've been. The past 6 years have really been amazing. I'm not ready for all of this to end. I have many years of angsty teens I need to meet and get to know and help grow and blossom.
So you know what, cancer...it's time for me to beat the crap out of you once and for all.
I'll buy you those pink boxing gloves. Let's get this boxing match on and WIN. I know you will not leave your girls as they need you until they are fully grown and even then some. You need to help those students of yours grow and become all that they can be. Your parents, brothers, and friends need you. You are the spark in our lives. The party does not start until Melissa shows up!!!
ReplyDeleteYou are only given 5 minutes a day to feel sorry for yourself. Anything more is excessive. Stay positive as you always are. You are an amazing person who can "win" this fight. Don't ever give up or give in to cancer. If anyone can teach it a lesson, it is you. Just think of it as Dr. Gu and give it to her with both guns flaring.
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