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Bored

In all honesty, this hasn't been a great week, Neither physically nor emotionally. Everything is  changing and I can't keep up with it all. There's the physical side of things where I can see my body deteriorating daily. I can barely move my legs, everything is swollen and bloated and, in other words, completely disgusting. I can't dress myself, I need Matt to help with everything, and it's become both comforting to know I have him and yet so embarrassing. No matter how long you've been married, or with a partner, it's definitely still not a look you want them to see in your mid 40-s.

So there's that reality I can't escape. The appointment with Dr. Adler went in a similar pattern to the past few weeks. The bilirubin went up to 4.8. That's not a huge increase but big enough to not allow for chemo again. Life is getting boring....I lay here and watch "Grey's Anatomy," read, try and blog and just try and get through the day. Emotionally I am getting drained. I can't just hop in the car and go shopping, have lunch with friends or, most importantly to my ego...work. I am really missing working this year.

And there we have it.... I am a physical and emotional wreck this week. I look like crap, I feel like crap, I'm bored out of my mind, I miss work, I miss my old life, and worst of all, I don't even feel like writing or saying anything positive. I feel screwed. I feel like I did something wrong to deserve this. I know that's not accurate, but your mind goes crazy in these situations. I've had so many crying jags this week and I still feel like the well hasn't dried.

I know I'll get through this, somehow, but I'm just tired of the fight right now. I'm tired of all of it. I'm just pretty pissed about the whole situation right now.

I think for this week, the only saving grace is a promised trip to Spirit tomorrow to start getting ready for Halloween (my favorite holiday that I  am never allowed to decorate for this early)

Hopefully this week will bring more fun or at least something to liven up the days. Going stir crazy is definitely not how I want to leave this life after all the cool stuff I've gotten to do.

Wish me luck and pray for better weeks ahead.

Comments

  1. UnknownSeptember 8, 2018 at 1:41 PM

    Praying and keeping good thoughts coming your way! ❤️ Jules

    ReplyDelete
  2. UnknownSeptember 13, 2018 at 3:57 PM

    I'm so sorry for the struggles you're going through. I'm sure each day and hour brings on challenges you never knew you would be facing. I know I've said this often, but you are BRAVE, you are AMAZING, you are LOVED. Don't forget you have a community praying for you each and every day.❤️

    ReplyDelete
  3. UnknownSeptember 21, 2018 at 5:36 PM

    You have every right to be pissed, be sad, be whatever you want....know that there are many people far and wide that have you and your beautiful girls in their prayers daily.

    ReplyDelete

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