What a roller coaster life has become lately.. and not the fun one that grabs your heart and spins you around having fun all night long. This is a grab you by the seat of of your pants and make you hold the pee in while fearing for your life. I've been in great fear for my life recently and have no clue when the train will stop. I've lost two days of my life this week out of sheer use of medicine and hiding out in fear.
So apparently my one chemo infusion worked and the bilirubin was on its way up again so we nipped that in the bud. Dr. Adler said it was a Hail Mary pass and hopefully the chemo will keep it down. Monday we have more blood work and then we hopefully wanted, but it'll show if we can continue or not. We'll I'm not giving up easy so I know I'll be doing another round.
In other hospice news, this organization is vital to the family right now. Tess, the social worker, is beyond amazing. The girls adore her. They LOVE when she comes, they spend an hour talking and laughing and being able to process whats all going on....which is hard for us to practice half the time. It's such a difficult thing for the girls. All I know is they are happy and seem adjusted at this point and that is all I can ask for.
So to round it out, this sucks, but I'm still alive getting chances, We are will cleaning out my drawers but where will that get us. It looks like the end of teaching for at least 12 weeks. Which is another plethora of emotions!!! I didn't expect this to turn so fast. I'm working on my funeral which is scary and yet comforting.
My writing has gotten shaky and bad lately. It's hard to think and comprehend and execute. The reality is the end is nearer than not. I am on board with that and would be doing a disservice in trying to avoid it. But it still SUCKS. I want to be here for the holidays and one more Halloween would be fabulous, but we can only take what HE gives us.
This post isn't eloquent. I don't know when I'll be able to do this again.
Just know, everyone, that is' been a hell of a ride. I've loved 99.9% of my life. I'm NOT giving up, i'm simply streamlining so my peeps have it a bit easier when I'm gone.
I love you all, I love Life, I want everyone to embrace living and loving and just seeing the ultimate good in the world.
God be with you all. Thank you for 43 years of joy and love.
5
So apparently my one chemo infusion worked and the bilirubin was on its way up again so we nipped that in the bud. Dr. Adler said it was a Hail Mary pass and hopefully the chemo will keep it down. Monday we have more blood work and then we hopefully wanted, but it'll show if we can continue or not. We'll I'm not giving up easy so I know I'll be doing another round.
In other hospice news, this organization is vital to the family right now. Tess, the social worker, is beyond amazing. The girls adore her. They LOVE when she comes, they spend an hour talking and laughing and being able to process whats all going on....which is hard for us to practice half the time. It's such a difficult thing for the girls. All I know is they are happy and seem adjusted at this point and that is all I can ask for.
So to round it out, this sucks, but I'm still alive getting chances, We are will cleaning out my drawers but where will that get us. It looks like the end of teaching for at least 12 weeks. Which is another plethora of emotions!!! I didn't expect this to turn so fast. I'm working on my funeral which is scary and yet comforting.
My writing has gotten shaky and bad lately. It's hard to think and comprehend and execute. The reality is the end is nearer than not. I am on board with that and would be doing a disservice in trying to avoid it. But it still SUCKS. I want to be here for the holidays and one more Halloween would be fabulous, but we can only take what HE gives us.
This post isn't eloquent. I don't know when I'll be able to do this again.
Just know, everyone, that is' been a hell of a ride. I've loved 99.9% of my life. I'm NOT giving up, i'm simply streamlining so my peeps have it a bit easier when I'm gone.
I love you all, I love Life, I want everyone to embrace living and loving and just seeing the ultimate good in the world.
God be with you all. Thank you for 43 years of joy and love.
5
Thank you for being my daughter. Thank you for making my life wonderful and a place that I want to share with you. You will always be a part (huge part) of me and I will always be a part of you. You have given your father, brothers and me such joy. Life will never be the same without you in it for us. You have given us your daughters, which are part of you, to share our lives with. You will never leave me. 43 years is not enough. There are no rule books so I'm not sure what a mother is supposed to do or act - just know that you are loved for who you are, a kind, generous, caring, loving woman. The world has been a better place because of you. Please stay. God please do not take my girl.
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