Well, it's official. Chemo and I are on a break. I know the news is good and I should be excited, and I'm getting there...but this news is met with mixed emotions. What if the new meds don't work? What if the tumors grow? What if, what if, what if.....
We met with Dr. Adler yesterday and he didn't have any new news regarding my scan. In fact, he said the decrease in the liver tumor was so slight that it pretty much "remained stable." I know that stable is good in my case, but I feel like he took what little hope I had away. That, and when I asked some questions about the iBrance he said "It may reduce the size of the tumors, it may keep them stable, or it may not work at all." I totally get that he has to say all of this, and it's his job, etc. but I am just feeling sorry for myself that he can't say I'm going to be okay. I know no one can ever say that to me now. And it sucks.
The plan is to start the Faslodex shots this Friday. I'll front load them for the next 4 weeks with shots every two weeks. Then we move on to a once a month shot in conjunction with the zomeda infusion for my bones. The iBrance will begin as soon as insurance approves it. Apparently this drug is $11,000/month without insurance. CRAZY! And they have to have the drug company call me to "arrange delivery." It's too bad it's not a delivery of something else that costs tens of thousands of dollars...like, say, diamonds or something!
While it's all fine news I'm kind of in a funk. I hate that this is happening. I'm terrified of this new treatment plan not working. I'm tired of being sick, and tired, and scared. I wonder if there will ever be a day again that I don't think about it and become sad - even if it's just for a few minutes. Because I can't seem to shake this funk lately. I am not wallowing, but it's following me like a dark cloud.
Charlie started softball today. For the past two years I've been one of her coaches. Last year was when I started having symptoms in my legs and back. I kept chalking it up to just being out of shape. Here I am a year later barely able to sit through practice due to back pain. I remember the smells of the ball field from my childhood. The fresh cut grass and dirt are some of the best spring time smells. Watching all the girls and the adults who are able to coach was bittersweet. I love being out there and am so happy I can still have some role with the team. But then it sucks being the mom who can't physically do anything. I get sad wishing I had the ability to do stuff like I used to..and knowing that I most likely will never get back to that person really sucks.
Wallowing isn't going to get me anywhere though. So onward and upward... ready for my shot on Friday!
We met with Dr. Adler yesterday and he didn't have any new news regarding my scan. In fact, he said the decrease in the liver tumor was so slight that it pretty much "remained stable." I know that stable is good in my case, but I feel like he took what little hope I had away. That, and when I asked some questions about the iBrance he said "It may reduce the size of the tumors, it may keep them stable, or it may not work at all." I totally get that he has to say all of this, and it's his job, etc. but I am just feeling sorry for myself that he can't say I'm going to be okay. I know no one can ever say that to me now. And it sucks.
The plan is to start the Faslodex shots this Friday. I'll front load them for the next 4 weeks with shots every two weeks. Then we move on to a once a month shot in conjunction with the zomeda infusion for my bones. The iBrance will begin as soon as insurance approves it. Apparently this drug is $11,000/month without insurance. CRAZY! And they have to have the drug company call me to "arrange delivery." It's too bad it's not a delivery of something else that costs tens of thousands of dollars...like, say, diamonds or something!
While it's all fine news I'm kind of in a funk. I hate that this is happening. I'm terrified of this new treatment plan not working. I'm tired of being sick, and tired, and scared. I wonder if there will ever be a day again that I don't think about it and become sad - even if it's just for a few minutes. Because I can't seem to shake this funk lately. I am not wallowing, but it's following me like a dark cloud.
Charlie started softball today. For the past two years I've been one of her coaches. Last year was when I started having symptoms in my legs and back. I kept chalking it up to just being out of shape. Here I am a year later barely able to sit through practice due to back pain. I remember the smells of the ball field from my childhood. The fresh cut grass and dirt are some of the best spring time smells. Watching all the girls and the adults who are able to coach was bittersweet. I love being out there and am so happy I can still have some role with the team. But then it sucks being the mom who can't physically do anything. I get sad wishing I had the ability to do stuff like I used to..and knowing that I most likely will never get back to that person really sucks.
Wallowing isn't going to get me anywhere though. So onward and upward... ready for my shot on Friday!
I see the "what-if" monster has come to disturb your positive thinking. Tell him/her where to go and it is not with you. When you do get sad, think of all you have which is more than some people ever get. A good stable marriage with a man who loves you. Two beautiful, talented, smart daughters. There will be good times - just handled in a different way. Cherish the good in what you have and do not dwell on what could have been or should have been. Do what you can, when you can. It will all be appreciated by those around you. We all love you and want you to be well.
ReplyDeleteEvery day is a blessing. It's one more day with your family. You CAN beat this. I believe in you!
ReplyDelete