The past few weeks have been so busy and fun that I've realized I've been living in denial.
Every weekend in December was jam packed with friends, fun, and festivities. I couldn't let a little thing like cancer stop me from enjoying every moment. So I indulged a bit too much, I think. There was Breakfast with Santa at school one day, followed by a night in San Francisco with my girlfriends. Then we had Charlie's recital the next day followed by Aladdin that night. After recovering from that weekend, we had a dinner party with friends the next Saturday and Matt's family's Kris Kringle the day after. It's been hectic...it's been awesome.
I'm not sure if it's my love for the holidays or the fact that I am truly starting to feel better, but I managed to do all of these events with minimal pain and fatigue. I'm also recognizing the signs of when I need to say no to events, when I need to lie low, and when I'm pushing it too much. I don't beat myself up anymore if I can't do something, and I really appreciate and enjoy the things I can do.
However, I realized that I've been feeling so good lately that I started to forget the gravity of my illness. When people wish me a Merry Christmas, I feel like I can see on their face what I've been trying to deny...that I hope to God this isn't my last Christmas. I realize that I've been able to push this so far back into the depths of my brain that it almost didn't exist anymore. Except it does exist, it's very real, and no one on Earth can tell me whether or not I'll be around next year. Of course I truly think I WILL be around, but every holiday or event gives me pause these days. It sucks.
In a twist of fate, chemo was cancelled today. My white blood cell count is super low. I don't understand the value they measure my blood in, but I know they won't do chemo if it's below 1200 whatevers. My count today was 987. Basically I'm at risk for infection and if they did chemo, it would wipe out any immunity defense I have left. The upside is that I won't be in a chemo haze on Christmas, and I can enjoy a glass of bubbles as we open gifts. The downside is I can't be around people who are sick or potentially sick...which seems to be everyone I know these days.
We are back on the schedule for next Friday. Check in with Dr. Adler, followed by Zometa and chemo. I have an appointment with the nutritionist at UCSF on Jan 8. I'm 99% sure they will make me cut back on my sugar intake so I'm going to enjoy my Sour Patch Kids to the fullest the next few weeks before I have to say goodbye to them. I really hope they don't make me give up wine and bubbles too. Not like I am drinking a lot these days, but I have been able to enjoy a glass here and there.
So between now and next Friday I'm going to continue living in my bliss of denial. Screw it...I can start worrying again in January.
Every weekend in December was jam packed with friends, fun, and festivities. I couldn't let a little thing like cancer stop me from enjoying every moment. So I indulged a bit too much, I think. There was Breakfast with Santa at school one day, followed by a night in San Francisco with my girlfriends. Then we had Charlie's recital the next day followed by Aladdin that night. After recovering from that weekend, we had a dinner party with friends the next Saturday and Matt's family's Kris Kringle the day after. It's been hectic...it's been awesome.
I'm not sure if it's my love for the holidays or the fact that I am truly starting to feel better, but I managed to do all of these events with minimal pain and fatigue. I'm also recognizing the signs of when I need to say no to events, when I need to lie low, and when I'm pushing it too much. I don't beat myself up anymore if I can't do something, and I really appreciate and enjoy the things I can do.
However, I realized that I've been feeling so good lately that I started to forget the gravity of my illness. When people wish me a Merry Christmas, I feel like I can see on their face what I've been trying to deny...that I hope to God this isn't my last Christmas. I realize that I've been able to push this so far back into the depths of my brain that it almost didn't exist anymore. Except it does exist, it's very real, and no one on Earth can tell me whether or not I'll be around next year. Of course I truly think I WILL be around, but every holiday or event gives me pause these days. It sucks.
In a twist of fate, chemo was cancelled today. My white blood cell count is super low. I don't understand the value they measure my blood in, but I know they won't do chemo if it's below 1200 whatevers. My count today was 987. Basically I'm at risk for infection and if they did chemo, it would wipe out any immunity defense I have left. The upside is that I won't be in a chemo haze on Christmas, and I can enjoy a glass of bubbles as we open gifts. The downside is I can't be around people who are sick or potentially sick...which seems to be everyone I know these days.
We are back on the schedule for next Friday. Check in with Dr. Adler, followed by Zometa and chemo. I have an appointment with the nutritionist at UCSF on Jan 8. I'm 99% sure they will make me cut back on my sugar intake so I'm going to enjoy my Sour Patch Kids to the fullest the next few weeks before I have to say goodbye to them. I really hope they don't make me give up wine and bubbles too. Not like I am drinking a lot these days, but I have been able to enjoy a glass here and there.
So between now and next Friday I'm going to continue living in my bliss of denial. Screw it...I can start worrying again in January.
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