My "Mamm"wars: Fighting to Survive Stage 4 Breast Cancer

I "officially" walked 8 miles over the course of the weekend. And in the process, I completed my first two cancer walks! Saturday, Colleen and I walked with my neighbors (and Reagan's classmates parents) for St. Mary's in the American Cancer Societies "Making Strides Against Breast Cancer" walk. It was a gorgeous day in Golden Gate Park, and the 4 miles weren't challenging at all! Sunday, we threw the girls in the strollers again and headed out to the Strides For Life Colon Cancer walk at Lake Merced. Let's just say that the 4 miles on Sunday were harder on Charlie than on me. She really isn't a fan of being stuck in a stroller while mommy slowly walks 4 miles. So I think I'll have to leave her home in the future. At least until she's a bit older hopefully. Although, Charlie did have a great time punching the "polyps" in the giant inflatable colon that was at the walk. Never did I think I would hear myself say "Charlie,...

I thought that the end of radiation would be my last blog. And obviously for a while it was. But as I settle back into "normal" life, I've been feeling like something is missing. It took me a while to realize that I just miss writing. It keeps me level, and sane..it's my personal form of therapy. So I've decided to combine this blog with the one I used to write about the girls' antics. The past 6 weeks since radiation ended has been a whirlwind. We went on our much needed and most fabulous vacation to Disneyland and Palm Springs. The girls absolutely loved Disneyland. I'm not sure I've ever seen them so excited, or having so much fun. And during our time in Palm Springs, Matt and I were once again overwhelmed by how blessed we are to have the most amazing friends in the world. Reagan started Kindergarten in August and is loving every second of it. She's made a bunch of new friends and is learning so much. She can read more and more every week...

231. That's the number of days that have passed since the fateful day I learned I had breast cancer. It seems like an eternity, and yet it seems like just yesterday. The events of that day are still so vivid. I remember answering my phone as Matt and I drove home from lunch with our friends. Even more so, I remember waltzing into my second mammogram just two days prior without a care in the world. And I remember calling Matt sobbing an hour later, incoherently telling him the doctor thinks I have cancer and that I was having an immediate biopsy. From the moment we found out, we put our nose to the grindstone and pounded this out. We met with doctors, followed the proposed protocol to a "T", suffered intense pain and sadness, and persevered. And here we are. Done. We were completely blindsided by this, and here we are- 231 days later, victorious! I keep saying "we," because even though the cancer was in my body, my entire family was affected. Without my famil...

Ughhhh.... The representative for the Live Strong, Live Well program called me yesterday. Class has been cancelled. I'm sooo bummed. I knew it wasn't going to be a big class (actually, I was glad about that). But of the five of us enrolled, I was the only one that confirmed. Three people still feel "too weak" from chemo to exercise. And one person died. Yikes. Okay, yes, of course I feel sorry for whomever that was. But really.. what's up with those other 3 people?! I wanted to ask for their names and numbers and call them myself and get them to re consider. But, having just gone through the glories of chemo myself..I guess I'll cut them some slack. In my head the class was going to be a bunch of people about my age. Turns out my joke about the Zumba class at the old folks home probably hit closer to home than I thought. Anyway, I'm now enrolled in the January class. I guess it gives me something to look forward to. And... LAST treatment is tomorrow!...

Over the course of this year, I've learned a lot about free programs designed specifically for cancer patients. I've taken part in a few, and dismissed others, depending on my mood. However, I'm so excited about the newest program I will begin next week. It's called Live Strong, Live Well, and it's sponsored by Lance Armstrong's LiveStrong foundation. This program is a free 12 week exercise program for cancer patients who have recently ended treatment. It's held at the YMCA, and consists of 2 personal trainers for the whole class, and unlimited access to all of the YMCA's facilities for the course of the program. We meet for 75 minutes twice a week. They usually cap the program at 15 participants, but the coordinator told me last week that my class is looking pretty small. I think this is the perfect way for me to ease back into working out. It's not like I was a Jillian Michaels before the diagnosis, but I did enjoy hitting the gym with my friend Em...

After my post on Tuesday, things started to look up. Usually all it takes is a good night sleep, and I'm back on the right track. I'm sure the bitter feelings may come back at some point, but right now I'm feeling like life is sweet. My skin is still red, but it hasn't gotten any worse. The nurses keep saying that it's really not bad at all actually, and they have seen so much worse after a much shorter length of time. Good thing I've always loved lotion...my overuse of it seems to have helped me during this time! My arm is feeling better too, which is a huge relief. I also got some awesome news from my "little" brother this week. He and his gorgeous wife found out they will be having a little boy next January. A new nephew!!!! Can life get any sweeter than that?! And nothing against them at all, because of course that's fantastic news..but the BEST part of my life right now is that I only have 4 more treatments!!!!!!!! Four. I can bang that ...

I'm bitter today. Bitter that this has become my life and that every single day I feel some sort of pain. My arm has been hurting a lot lately. My hernia incision is hurting too. I wonder if the price of saving my life has cost me the ability to ever have a day with no pain again. Is this nerve damage ever going to heal itself?!  To top it off, radiation is finally getting the best of me. I am completely exhausted all the time, and my skin is burning. I've got a perfect red square over the whole area that's being radiated and it's getting worse by the hour today. I'm embarrassed that I cried the whole way home from radiation today. I'm bitter that this is my life. I'm bitter that this happened to me. And I'm mad at myself for feeling this way. I also thought I was over what happened last summer, but Thursday is the anniversary of my d&c. I can accept what happened, and even believe that it happening saved my life. But the events of that day are sti...