Skip to main content

Bitter

I'm bitter today. Bitter that this has become my life and that every single day I feel some sort of pain. My arm has been hurting a lot lately. My hernia incision is hurting too. I wonder if the price of saving my life has cost me the ability to ever have a day with no pain again. Is this nerve damage ever going to heal itself?!  To top it off, radiation is finally getting the best of me. I am completely exhausted all the time, and my skin is burning. I've got a perfect red square over the whole area that's being radiated and it's getting worse by the hour today.

I'm embarrassed that I cried the whole way home from radiation today. I'm bitter that this is my life. I'm bitter that this happened to me. And I'm mad at myself for feeling this way. I also thought I was over what happened last summer, but Thursday is the anniversary of my d&c. I can accept what happened, and even believe that it happening saved my life. But the events of that day are still fresh in my mind this week. It sucks.

Granted, on the other hand, I find it another strange coincidence that radiation ends exactly one week after that "anniversary" date. I feel like it's been a full year of just crap happening to us. This has to be the end, right? Not just the end of radiation, but the end of all of these bad things happening. The end of a long tough year.

I hate being bitter.

Comments

  1. MamaAugust 10, 2011 at 11:53 AM

    Anger or bitterness is part of the healing process. You have every right to be angry - just don't let it consume you. Better days are ahead of you. The nerve damage can take some time to heal, but it does get better in time - I can't say how long because it's different for everyone but it does get better. The burning of the radiation heals like sunburn. Cancer sucks - there is no way around it but don't let it consume you - you win the battle - not cancer. You are a winner, you ARE a "survivor"! Don't ever forget that! Love Mama

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Beauty in Life and Death

This is Matt unfortunately Melissa did not get finish her last entry so I will take it from here.  I will try not to have any typos or grammatical errors.  Melissa would really not like that, but she was my official proof reader for all important documents. Melissa and I always strived to look for beauty even in the darkest of times.  It is not always easy but it is always there when you look hard enough.  Our situation the last year and half have not been ideal there were lots of tears and dark times, but the beauty was overwhelming. Whether it was a note, meal, flowers, or text a a low point or just the love we felt from family or friends.  The beauty was there.  We had so many people praying for us and for Melissa to beat cancer once and for all, but I also prayed that Melissa would be pain free and if it was God's will that she passed peacefully.  Melissa was in so much pain last year.  She did not let her slow her down but she was hurting...
8 comments
Read more

It's Baaaaaaccccckkkkk.......

6 years.... that's how long it's been since I finished with active treatment. However, I took Tamoxifen for 5 years to squash any estrogen left in my body. I recently switched over to a "tougher" aromatase inhibitor call arimidex. These drugs provided comfort and faith that I was doing everything in my power to prevent a recurrence. Guess what?! They failed me. Big time. It's back, and it's back all over. After months of hip pain that my NP chalked up repeatedly to muscle pain, she finally sent me to an orthopedist. He took X-rays and did NOT like what he saw. Additional blood work and bone scans have led to the diagnosis of cancer pretty much throughout my skeletal system. Metastases were found in the skull, scapula, multiple ribs, pelvis, both hips, and spine. Definitely NOT the news I was expecting nor wanting to hear. After an afternoon of crying and occasionally feeling like I was going to throw up, Matt and I met with Dr. Adler, my oncologist. He was...
9 comments
Read more

Through Grief comes Love

What a bittersweet summer this has been. I'm dying. There's no denying that. I get weaker every day, I rely more and more on Matt and others. I sleep in the hospice bed in the living room, and yet I am loving every minute I have with Matt, the girls, my incredible family that is traveling in from all over the country to care for me, and my super close and amazing friends here. I definitely feel LOVED. All this grief that is surrounding us seems to have a forcefield of love that is keeping it somewhat at bay. Don't get me wrong, I have a witching hour every day from about 3-6. It reminds me of when the girls were babies and they would cry every day from 5-7. Then it passes and life moves on.  From 3-6 every day I need an Ativan and a nap and to reframe my head and my soul. The reality is I really do not want this happening. For as bittersweet and as much fun and love as we are sharing, I DO NO WANT TO DIE. IT'S NOT FAIR! This week has been emotional in other ways too...
5 comments
Read more