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I Hate...

I hate cancer. I hate chemo. I hate feeling this horrible for a few days every two weeks. Quite frankly, I don't even want to hear how it's "just a few days" and that "it could be worse" or whatever. I know all that...and I still hate it. I've spent the past 36 hours feeling like my brain is a trailer park and there is a tornado wreaking havoc throughout it. I hate that my body looks like a serial killer hacked at it (sorry, Dr. Awesome, you did the best you could..but really, a scar from hip to hip is NEVER pretty). I hate that I lay here, unable to focus on anything, yet my mind races about all sorts of stuff. Like the fact that not all my hair has fallen out. So does that mean the chemo isn't working?! Because I'll be damned if I'm doing this for nothing.

I hate that nothing tastes good to eat or drink, yet I keep trying everything in sight, hoping that something will taste decent. Why can't I just kick back and enjoy a little weight loss from this whole "experience?!" Nooo..I have to go and jinx that too!

And even though we try to teach Reagan not to say "hate," it just feels really good right now to get it out. So I'm going to keep listing some other things that I hate in the slim chance that I'll feel better after and be able to pass out and wake up refreshed and feeling good tomorrow.

I hate that I didn't buy a lottery ticket last week for the big $70+M jackpot. We wouldn't have won anyway, but at least we'd have had a chance.

I hate that I've become the lame girl that doesn't like to be alone anymore. Well, just during chemo week. But I still hate being lonely in situations I've never felt lonely in before....

I hate that I haven't cooked a decent meal for my family in months. (Thank God for family, friends, and Matt, or we'd be in trouble!)

I hate that I'm not crafty. I should really learn how to sew....

I hate that I haven't had a Happy Hour with my girlfriends in over 4 months. And it'll be a good two or three more months before that will happen again.

And I hate hot flashes. I've been getting them a LOT the past two weeks and they are no joke.

Suck it cancer. I hate you so much.

Comments

  1. MamaApril 23, 2011 at 7:42 AM

    Cancer does suck and you've been such a good trooper. So here comes the anger, get it out. That's part of it. Release the bad energy and refocus on the good stuff that is to come. Don't worry about the hair and cancer coming back. Not everyone loses all their hair. You are great and loved very, very much. Love Mama

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