My "Mamm"wars: Fighting to Survive Stage 4 Breast Cancer

During the past 3 months I've learned just how special my girlfriends are. I mean, I've always known that I've got some of the best friends around, but so many of them have really made an effort to cheer me up, help us out, or offer support in any way they can. Our mailbox is often full with wonderful cards from family, friends, coworkers, and people that only know of me through others. Words will never be able to express how much this means to me, and how much this truly lifts my spirits. Between our amazing families and friends, I really feel like I've got a whole team supporting me through this. It helps my morale, but it also makes me want to fight harder - I can't let my team down now can I?! But over these past 3 months, I've also met a whole new clan of friends too. My "cancer friends" as I usually label them when I talk to anyone about them. These are other breast cancer survivors about my age that I've met through family and friends, a...

That's how old I feel. I'm exhausted all the time and my hips, thighs and back are so sore. It takes me a good 20 minutes to get moving every morning. I think of my 95 year old Grandma every day and how she could run circles around me. Although, she could do that before I started chemo so that analogy really doesn't mean anything. I had my second "how did chemo go" appointment this morning and I learned once again that all of this is perfectly normal. For some reason I handle all of the side effects better once I get reassurance that 1. it's normal, and 2. it will all end once chemo is over. But, an appointment wouldn't be an appointment if I didn't leave with another prescription. This time we discussed my inability to fall asleep on my own these days. I wake up tired, am exhausted all day long, and can't wait until a reasonable hour to go to bed, yet once I'm there I lay awake with my mind racing. I told the nurse how I rely on Tylen...

I feel like I'm finally recovering from my week long hangover. Matt and I decided that's exactly what chemo side effects mimic - a giant hangover. Except cancer patients don't get the fun that leads up to the pain. There are no funny stories we can relive that help us chuckle our way through the agony. Just headaches, nausea, and a fuzzy/cloudy headed sensation that lasts for 3-4 days. I really shouldn't complain though. Compared to round 1, this week was relatively easy (so far). We managed the nausea much better, so our plan worked in that regard! I think the lower steroid dosage definitely helped my mood swings/depression this time too. I started to feel weepy last night, but it didn't last too long - and I also figure that I am entitled to being a bit weepy now and again so I'm not going to beat myself up about that. I'm still waiting for the Neulasta to kick me in my butt... or my spine actually. I started feeling the tingling sensation a bit today,...

Round 2 went off without a hitch yesterday. It took longer because they dripped the Cytoxin slower so I wouldn't get a headache. And it worked. They also cut my steroid dosage a lot, so hopefully I won't experience that horrible crashing and emotional upheaval later this week! But throughout the whole infusion, my hair kept shedding. If I ran my hands through it, more and more strands were coming out. Matt had to keep brushing the fallen strands off of my shirt. I told Reagan I would wait to shave my head until the medicine made it come out. And it's clear the medicine had started it's magic. So we decided to take matters into our own hands last night. Pat and Jess came over with their clippers and Matt, Pat and I all shaved our heads. It's amazing to me that my husband and brother in law would do this. Granted, Pat shaves his head a lot, so he had an advantage in knowing he wasn't going to look stupid! But Matt's poor head hasn't seen the light of day...

21 has always been my lucky number. It's a number that just seems to always pop up in my life. My birthday is on May 21st. Matt, my lucky charm, also was born on the 21st - of April. It's silly, I know.. but I just always like to think fondly of the number 21. Ironically enough, my dooblay was two months ago today- on January 21. I like to think that's the day I became cancer free so of course that's a lucky day! And here we are today - March 21. That means it has to be a good day, right? Round 2 on my lucky number day!? If nothing else, it means we are halfway through the Red Devil. The rest of this week may or may not be bad. But I will know that I have 2 rounds down, and 2 (of the AC) left to go. I know that I am 25% done with the entire chemo regimen after today. And for that, I'm going to feel lucky.

I've been feeling decent since Wednesday, and psyching myself up for Round 2. Now that it's here, I feel like the past two weeks flew by. I was beginning to feel ready for tomorrows infusion - even looking forward to getting another one under my belt - but the pit in my stomach is still there. I'm definitely more calm than I was in the days leading up to the first infusion, but I get the feeling it's never going to be easy. Matt and I held a brief strategy session the other night, discussing what we're going to do differently this time. I'm hopeful that with our new plan this coming week won't be so bad. In hindsight, I waited too long to take the anti nausea drugs last time. I would wait until I felt sick. This time I'm going to take the Zofran round the clock just in case.  It also really helps knowing that I will eventually come out of the haze. Having had a good run this week, I'll be able to hold onto that in the bad days going fo...

So many people have been advising me lately that I should cut my hair really short to prepare for when it falls out. Which, by the way, should be next Tuesday or Wednesday per my oncologist and nurse. Finally I caved yesterday and made an appointment for my last hair cut for a long while. I asked Reagan if she wanted to come along, and of course she did! We met Jess there and I let her have free reign along with the stylist. They decided on cutting it like Halle Berry. I'm not sure what's more funny..the fact that I clearly don't look like Halle Berry so I can't pull off her hairdo, or that the hairstylist was absolutely not even pretending that it looked good. In his defense, when I told him we had to cut it super short he immediately balked...like every single hairdresser I have ever been to does. We told him why I needed it short and so of course he complied. I even told him that I didn't expect it to look good and I didn't expect any sort of miracle from...