My "Mamm"wars: Fighting to Survive Stage 4 Breast Cancer

The past few weeks have been so busy and fun that I've realized I've been living in denial. Every weekend in December was jam packed with friends, fun, and festivities. I couldn't let a little thing like cancer stop me from enjoying every moment. So I indulged a bit too much, I think. There was Breakfast with Santa at school one day, followed by a night in San Francisco with my girlfriends. Then we had Charlie's recital the next day followed by Aladdin that night. After recovering from that weekend, we had a dinner party with friends the next Saturday and Matt's family's Kris Kringle the day after. It's been hectic...it's been awesome. I'm not sure if it's my love for the holidays or the fact that I am truly starting to feel better, but I managed to do all of these events with minimal pain and fatigue. I'm also recognizing the signs of when I need to say no to events, when I need to lie low, and when I'm pushing it too much. I don...

Things have been busy since I last posted. Thanksgiving was so nice. I taught the girls how to make pie dough, and they each were responsible for one pie for Thanksgiving dinner. Their pies were incredible and I think they have officially unseated me as the official pie maker(s) of the family. Matt said Reagan's chess pie was one of the best he's had...and he's the expert on chess pie. Charlie made an apple pie with a crumb top. I was thinking about that pie for days afterwards. The day was plagued with some sad thoughts though. I notice holidays now make me think "is this my last Thanksgiving?" or whatever day it is. Deep down I don't feel like it is though. At least not today... today I feel strong and full of hope. We left after dinner for Point Reyes. The three nights we spent there were absolutely perfect. We ate oysters, hung out and played games, and just enjoyed being together. I laughed so much I think I set my rib healing back a few weeks. But it...

It's taken me a full 24 hours to process our meeting at UCSF yesterday. Matt and I left and were both completely blown away and in awe of Dr. Rugo.   I have no idea really what she said. She was hands down the smartest person both Matt and I have ever met. I wish my brother Chris was with us at the meeting... he would have known exactly what to ask, what she was saying, and been able to translate for us. We spent almost two hours with her. We have a plan, and I have a LOT more information than I had before. We first started going over my history.  Essentially she said that it's crazy (although she used a way more scientific word than "crazy") that my cancer came back. She acknowledged that I did EVERYTHING I could to beat it, and followed a very strict and harsh protocol. So she said our first step is to find out why. That's the million dollar question. I have been asking God why...but Dr. Rugo is the one who may actually be able to answer it. (Although I think ...

Today was the big day. I woke up feeling confident and great. Matt and I went to lunch and headed to Dr. Adler's office. My appointments are usually at 2:00, so we arrived a tad early at 1:40. Turns out today's appointment wasn't until 2:30. Seriously, waiting that extra half an hour almost put my nerves over the edge. After what seemed like forever, we finally saw Dr. Adler. Then he about killed me when he started the appointment discussing everything BUT the scan results. I've been having some neuropathy and so we talked about that and other side effects. I was grasping onto my grandma's rosary and I think I almost broke the beads off with stress and anticipation. Then I heard what sounded like music to my ears: "The CT scan shows improvement." He went on to explain that the tumors in my liver have shrunk, the bones have stayed stable, and there is NO EVIDENCE of cancer in my lungs!!! I started crying a little. Then he went on to say that there are t...

Today was the day of the much anticipated scan. As I've had two CT scans since diagnosis, I know the drill and it didn't seem like it would be a big deal. Matt and I arrived at 8:00 am, and they handed over the disgusting drink that I had to finish in an hour. I love that they make sure to let you know it was flavored with Crystal Light, to enhance the flavor. I can only imagine how nasty it would taste without the Crystal Light. It seriously tastes like rancid orange juice. But, a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do...so I gulped it down as quickly as I could. A little after 9 they called me back for the actual scan. This is when things took a turn for the worse. I told the scanners that they could use my port as it's a "Power Port." The hospital didn't have documentation of this though and said that it is NOT a "power port" and they needed to start an IV. I knew they weren't right but figured I'd let them try and find a vein. B...

I've been meaning to post an update for a long time now, but time eludes me. A few weeks ago, the community came together in the most amazing way. They organized a "Light the Night" walk for me, and other sick members of the community. The event was put together in a few weeks and coincided with a visit from my Aunt (and godmother) Gina and Uncle Kevin. It started in the school yard with the selling of paper lanterns and fabric squares that everyone wrote their sweet sentiments on. The SR choir sang "This Little Light of Mine," followed by a group of women singing "I'll Stand by You." Well, clearly at this point I was already crying. But the waterworks really started after when Fr. Tony, my sister in law Lisa, and then my group of girls; Jess, Airen and Trish all read poems and blessed me.  It's a good thing I had a hat and mask on my face (due to low white blood cells) or I would have really been frightening looking. From the yard, we walked (...

On Monday, I gave a speech at our school's annual Women's Guild Breast Cancer Awareness meeting. My friend video taped it on her phone. I knew I was speaking, but had nothing prepared. Here is my off the cuff speech for your viewing pleasure. I've had mixed reviews about the audio... most everyone can hear it though.

It started with the hurricanes, then the shooting in Las Vegas, and now the fires in Northern California (and this isn't even reaching into the global perspective). We can't escape the devastation everywhere. It's overwhelming to me at times. It takes my breath away and makes me realize that I am but one small person in this big world full of craziness.  Matt says it doesn't diminish my own feelings about my situation. But for me, it makes me realize that I'm not the only one suffering. So many others are experiencing even greater suffering right now. Like I said, sometimes it's too much for me to bear and I find myself just sobbing. The pain so many people are feeling right now is heartbreaking.  I realize how these people lost their lives in the blink of an eye...literally. I have been given quite the cross to bear, but I have TIME. There is no expiration date on my life yet (well, there IS..but only God knows that date right now). I have the ability to tell t...

Today, Matt and I celebrate 13 years of wedded bliss. 13 years isn't that many in the scheme of life and especially in comparison to our role models, however we've certainly packed a lot into our 13 years. We've faced adversity several times and without fail it's made us stronger. But the past 13 years has had it's share of incredible times as well. I think about our relationship, and our love, and while we are just your average, run of the mill couple... I feel extremely lucky and grateful. I know this love that I never knew could exist. Even though my life clearly isn't perfect now, I have experienced something that so many people only dream of. I know with 1000% certainty what it's like to be truly, deeply loved. And I know what it's like to truly, deeply love someone with my whole heart. (Not counting my children of course).  In fact, a few weeks ago I was having a random conversation with Reagan. There was nothing out of the ordinary about it at fir...

Today is October 1. The first day of "Breast Cancer Awareness Month." I'm laying in bed on day two after chemo with mixed feelings about this day. In years past, I've posted a little quip on Facebook about getting checked early, "early detection saves lives,""feel yourself up!" etc. Today, I have a problem saying any of those things. Early detection didn't save my life. Apparently it only prolonged it. At one point in my early days of doctor appointments, I was told "You're the one we want to catch. You're the one that can be cured." Cured. Fuck that. I lay here in bed unable to hang out with my kids on a lovely weekend because I wasn't CURED. In fact, I lay here in bed because ultimately, I'm screwed. There is no cure for Stage 4. Stage 4. I started out as Stage 2A...."easily curable." But somehow the odds weren't in my favor. And I lay here crying because I don't know what I did wrong.. I don't ...

It doesn't seem like I do much these days, yet I have been too busy to blog in a while. Last week my hair started falling out. I was told it "probably" wouldn't happen. It did. Big time. I was combing my hair in the shower and chunks just came out. I cried, I was mad, then I remembered how much I like being bald and it got better. It's just hard this time since I have no end date for chemo...at least last time I knew it was 8 rounds. Now...it's a forever thing. Sucks. Bone infusion was last Thursday. I had an appointment with Dr. Adler first, which went well. He told me he's not a fan of scans... I told him I AM, at this point, a big fan of scans. So my next scan is tentatively set for the first week of November. Once I have an actual date, I can call UCSF and make an appointment there for the following week. I'm excited to go there and hear what they have to say. I'm excited (and nervous) for the scans because I want proof that the chemo is wo...

My second chemo infusion was on Friday. I got a little cocky this time... Saturday was Reagan's birthday so I wanted to be up and about for it. I pushed myself too hard with going to Charlie's soccer game Sat morning, and then to the SR festival Sat night. I only stayed for two hours, long enough to feel sorry for myself that I couldn't hang out with my friends and play games like usual. But by 7 pm, I needed to get back to bed. The girls had a blast, as they always do, at festival. It was a weekend of eating too much junk, staying up too late, and winning "prizes" that will be left all over the house for weeks to come. Reagan is used to sharing her birthday with festival. Her birthday hit me kind of hard this year. All I can think is "how many more birthdays will I get to spend with her?" I spent a good portion of Saturday morning crying. I chalk it up to the emotions of her birthday and my fear of the future mixed with the chemo. My girl is 11 now, a...

This weekend I've been feeling angry... and pissed off... and frustrated. I'm tired of this. I'm tired of being sick. I'm tired of it hurting every time I walk,  I'm tired of having to think about things like "how am I going to get out of bed with the least amount of pain." I'm tired and angry of seeing that look in people's eyes when they talk to me like I'm already in the grave. I'm angry that sometimes I feel like I am the only one who has faith that I can live for many more years still. It's pissing me off to no end. Even people I love and count on have been treating me like I'm one foot in the grave. Yes, even Matt got a tongue lashing from me last night at festival when he was treating me with kid gloves. I know he does it out of love and a feeling of wanting to do anything to make my life easier, but come on.. I CAN stand and watch a friend do karaoke.. I don't need to be in a chair all the time like I'm one br...

 I woke up Friday morning feeling nervous and anxious. No one is ever EXCITED to go to chemo, no one wakes up saying "Oh YEAH!! I get to have poison injected into my sweet little body today in the hopes it kills some cancer cells!" Especially when it's the first go round with a chemo drug...the side effects are a mystery and it's all very disconcerting. Yet, deep down I knew that it was high time we got this show on the road. Matt and I showed up promptly at 2, ready for my infusion. I could NOT keep my eyes open. Exhausted is an understatement for how I felt. I'm assuming my body was still recovering from the horrible events of earlier in the week, mixed with my normal reaction of wanting to sleep when I am nervous. Regardless, chemo is something that can easily be done with the patient asleep so it wasn't a big deal. The infusion lasted 90 minutes total... not bad considering my previous chemo infusions would last up to four hours. We were in and out, an...

Last week was such a good week. It was the first full week back to school, Chris was coming into town for a weekend visit, and we were all heading to Pine Mountain Lake for the long weekend. What could go wrong? Ha... everything.  My right side was hurting a bit on Friday and it was getting harder to get up and down from a sitting position. This happens occasionally so I didn't think too much of it. I chalked it up to a long week of work and being tired. Nothing a relaxing, do nothing, weekend wouldn't cure. Chris, Reagan and I drove up to the mountains in my little Honda. Matt and Charlie took the truck. We all got up there about 11:30 Friday night. I was beat and the pain was worse, traveling is not the easiest thing for my body these days.  Saturday I woke up completely unable to move, to stand up and walk, sit or do anything without an excruciating amount of pain. My ribs were seizing up and I couldn't breathe. I couldn't go from a lying position to ...

After all of this waiting and hoping, it turns out God and Mother Nature had other plans for us this week. Due to the horror wreaked by Hurricane Harvey, our trip to Houston has been postponed. While I am pretty bummed, and now in a tough spot concerning my treatment future, I feel like I can't really complain. The stories and photos coming out of Texas are gut wrenching. How can I possibly be upset when people are losing their possessions, homes, pets, and even their lives? My appointment will be rescheduled, hopefully for sometime really soon.  This past week I have just been getting back into the work routine. The days are long and painful, but I wouldn't give it up for anything. I love being back in the classroom and laughing with my students every day. In fact, I got really bummed today when I was packing up. In my head I can do this for at least another 20-25 years. This stupid cancer better not ruin my plans.  So as of now I am just in a holding pattern. I have m...

Well, the verdict is in. My cancer is officially a stubborn little bitch. The pathology hasn't changed AT ALL. It is still estrogen receptor positive. Apparently it's so stubborn and aggressive, it doesn't care that I literally shut down all of the estrogen in my body to prevent it from growing. It still managed to grow and spread. I'm not even sure I was ever "cancer free" at this point. Dr. Adler gave us his recommendation yesterday. He told us about three options, but his official preference is #1. They are: 1. Abraxane (nab-paclitaxel) - This is an IV chemo that will be administered for two weeks with the third week off. So Monday, Monday, Monday off, etc. FOREVER. Well, not forever, until it stops working, which he said will happen at some point. The side effects are neuropathy and *maybe* hair loss. He said we should hit it hard with this drug due to the liver and lung involvement. My issue with this is that it is a form of Taxol - the drug I took in...

Thursday was my first infusion of Zometa. My great friend Tricia took me down to the cancer center for the 10 am drip. Having a husband with diagnosed PTSD, words like "trigger" have become a part of our normal vocabulary. Well, I was full on triggered as I walked into the back room for the infusion. It brought me back to six years ago when I was there every two weeks for the "hard core" chemo that was going to save my life. I started to choke back tears full of bitterness and anger. I was able to handle the infusion room before because I was so SURE I was doing everything to never have to be there again. I could do it then because there was an end date in sight. But now.... well, now it's all changed. Trish and I picked out a comfy corner and continued our chatting. One of the nurses remembered me from my first go round, and knows Trish as well from the nursing world. Like all of the nurses, she is so sweet and kind that my bitterness quickly dissipated and...

It happens to me without fail. I over-worry about some things that turn out to be nothing, and I walk into other situations without a care in the world that end up being more difficult than I ever imagined. The CT Scan didn't phase me at all. Until it took 7 pokes to get a vein.  The liver biopsy had me dry heaving and freaking out all day Monday and Tuesday morning. Turns out, it was one of the easiest procedures I've ever had done. Matt and I arrived at the hospital at 8:00 sharp. I checked in and headed down to the surgery wing. They had me comfy in a room in no time, and I took a nap while we waited for the actual procedure to begin. At 9:00 I was rolled down the hall and into the room where the biopsy would be done. The two nurses were incredible at putting me at ease, and even got me some Zofran to help with the nausea. Matt was able to stay with me as long as he wanted, which was right up until when they stuck me. We both figure that after two c sections, he's seen...

I haven't blogged recently as I've been trying to wrap my head around everything that is going on, and trying to enjoy the last bit of summer fun with the family in Tahoe. I forgot how busy things get once a cancer diagnosis is made. There are calls from this doctor and that doctor, appointments made for this, that, and the other thing. There is the incessant waiting, which is by far the worst part. There are the good days, the bad days, the ugly days, and the "I'm too busy to even deal with this shit" days. But no matter what type of day it is, I force myself to do at least one thing positive towards my recovery. Okay, that's not true... MATT forces me to do at least one positive thing a day. I can confirm that if it weren't for him, some days I probably wouldn't get out of bed. I've always said he's a Pollyanna, and I am so grateful that he is my pollyanna. Something as little as forcing me to have my morning coffee outside with him as we cha...

The results are in and they are absolutely not what we were hoping for or expecting. I officially suck at reading CT Scan results. My sister in law, Jess, came with me to the appointment yesterday since Matt had to work. I wasn't expecting bad news as I figured it was time we heard something GOOD, so I told him to save his time off for when I really need him. Well, turns out I really needed him yesterday. The cancer is active in my lungs and liver as well as my bones. F*$%!!!! As hard as I tried to remain strong, I broke down crying in Dr. Adler's office. So did Jess, and Dr. Adler himself was a little teary eyed. He said I "hopefully" have a few years left. Well, he has no idea how hard I'm about to fight...although it's taken me a full 24 hours to process the news and get to this point. The news seemed to continue to get worse. Originally treatment was going to be hormone based pills, immunotherapy stuff. But due to the fact that my liver and lungs are...

The past few days I've been a little on edge. Matt delicately tried to tell me it was nerves about today's CT Scan. I thought that was a little crazy. I mean it's just a simple test, right? And I don't even get the results today. I assumed the edginess would come on Wednesday and Thursday when the results are imminent.  I woke up this morning feeling nervous and yet almost excited to get this done. I am tired of sitting around thinking about what's coming... I want to start taking action against this cancer. My phone was pinging all morning with texts from friends wishing me good luck. Some included photos of their cute pets,  which Reagan LOVED. Another group of friends went to 8:30 mass at our church to pray for me. What more can a girl ask for than to be so clearly loved and cherished by so many people? CT Scan was scheduled for 10:00. No one told me I needed to arrive at 9 to drink the nasty drink. But they were accommodating anyway and didn't turn me aw...

Today was one of those days that no parent ever wants to have. The day you actually break your children's hearts. Matt came home today after work and before he went to school. We had lunch together, and then gathered the girls in the living room. I don't even know how I mustered the strength to do it, but I managed to tell the girls that the leg pains I've been having are because my cancer has come back. They immediately started bawling... as did Matt and I. I told them it was okay to cry and be scared and that Daddy and I are also sad and scared, but that I wanted them to listen to all of the information also. Over the next half hour or so, we went over everything that we know, what tests are coming up, and stressed that we need to really stick together as a family and trust that we will get through this. We talked about God's plan for us, and that we need to have faith. Matt and I reassured them that their lives won't change that much. They will still play sport...

What a roller coaster the past two weeks have been. We arrived in London on July 1 and spent the week relaxing with Chris, Hannah and the twins. I had no choice but to take it easy...much easier than I ever have before when travelling. My body was wracked with pain the first day here. But at the same time, it was nice having a week of just being Londoners and not crazy tourists that pack too much into a day. We went to the London Zoo one day, and the Princess Diana Memorial Playground on the grounds of Kensington Palace; both of which were really cool places we had never been. Other than that the girls and the twins' nanny just hit up different parks when I need to rest and take it easy. Last Friday we took off for a week in Sicily. What an amazing place Sicily is. The girls loved it, although I think they would have loved anywhere as long as Felix and Ellie were there. While the landscape was gorgeous, and the company incomparable...thoughts of reality were never far from my min...

6 years.... that's how long it's been since I finished with active treatment. However, I took Tamoxifen for 5 years to squash any estrogen left in my body. I recently switched over to a "tougher" aromatase inhibitor call arimidex. These drugs provided comfort and faith that I was doing everything in my power to prevent a recurrence. Guess what?! They failed me. Big time. It's back, and it's back all over. After months of hip pain that my NP chalked up repeatedly to muscle pain, she finally sent me to an orthopedist. He took X-rays and did NOT like what he saw. Additional blood work and bone scans have led to the diagnosis of cancer pretty much throughout my skeletal system. Metastases were found in the skull, scapula, multiple ribs, pelvis, both hips, and spine. Definitely NOT the news I was expecting nor wanting to hear. After an afternoon of crying and occasionally feeling like I was going to throw up, Matt and I met with Dr. Adler, my oncologist. He was...