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Paranoia

After a long run of great times, feeling awesome, and really embracing my health...I've suddenly hit a brick wall. A funk settled over me a few days ago. I feel snippy, short tempered, and on the verge of tears at any second. I finally had a little sit down with myself and think I've figured out the culprit. I have an appointment with Dr. Adler on Tuesday.

While I love Dr. Adler, he's still my oncologist. I have an oncologist and always will now. Even though I beat cancer, I can't shake him. I have no reason to believe that he'll have bad news for me. I didn't even have to have blood taken for this appointment. I'm seeing him simply to discuss how I'm feeling after having my ovaries out, and how I'm handling the Tamoxifen. The answer to both of those is a simple "great." Yet I feel the old anxiety creeping in. If I do too much and am tired by the afternoon I start thinking "It's back..." Even though I know that having a 5 and an almost 3 year old will make anyone tired by the afternoon. I know it's not logical. But I also know where I've been and how badly I don't want to go back there.  And I realized yet again that even though I'm fine now, this beast can come back at any time. Of course I don't think it ever will...but I'm not really in control. And I hate that.

I'm sure once Tuesday's appointment is over I will breathe a sigh of relief and get back to normal. I better. I am getting tired of myself as it is..I can only imagine how poor Matt feels having to deal with me!

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