My "Mamm"wars: Fighting to Survive Stage 4 Breast Cancer

231. That's the number of days that have passed since the fateful day I learned I had breast cancer. It seems like an eternity, and yet it seems like just yesterday. The events of that day are still so vivid. I remember answering my phone as Matt and I drove home from lunch with our friends. Even more so, I remember waltzing into my second mammogram just two days prior without a care in the world. And I remember calling Matt sobbing an hour later, incoherently telling him the doctor thinks I have cancer and that I was having an immediate biopsy. From the moment we found out, we put our nose to the grindstone and pounded this out. We met with doctors, followed the proposed protocol to a "T", suffered intense pain and sadness, and persevered. And here we are. Done. We were completely blindsided by this, and here we are- 231 days later, victorious! I keep saying "we," because even though the cancer was in my body, my entire family was affected. Without my famil...

Ughhhh.... The representative for the Live Strong, Live Well program called me yesterday. Class has been cancelled. I'm sooo bummed. I knew it wasn't going to be a big class (actually, I was glad about that). But of the five of us enrolled, I was the only one that confirmed. Three people still feel "too weak" from chemo to exercise. And one person died. Yikes. Okay, yes, of course I feel sorry for whomever that was. But really.. what's up with those other 3 people?! I wanted to ask for their names and numbers and call them myself and get them to re consider. But, having just gone through the glories of chemo myself..I guess I'll cut them some slack. In my head the class was going to be a bunch of people about my age. Turns out my joke about the Zumba class at the old folks home probably hit closer to home than I thought. Anyway, I'm now enrolled in the January class. I guess it gives me something to look forward to. And... LAST treatment is tomorrow!...

Over the course of this year, I've learned a lot about free programs designed specifically for cancer patients. I've taken part in a few, and dismissed others, depending on my mood. However, I'm so excited about the newest program I will begin next week. It's called Live Strong, Live Well, and it's sponsored by Lance Armstrong's LiveStrong foundation. This program is a free 12 week exercise program for cancer patients who have recently ended treatment. It's held at the YMCA, and consists of 2 personal trainers for the whole class, and unlimited access to all of the YMCA's facilities for the course of the program. We meet for 75 minutes twice a week. They usually cap the program at 15 participants, but the coordinator told me last week that my class is looking pretty small. I think this is the perfect way for me to ease back into working out. It's not like I was a Jillian Michaels before the diagnosis, but I did enjoy hitting the gym with my friend Em...

After my post on Tuesday, things started to look up. Usually all it takes is a good night sleep, and I'm back on the right track. I'm sure the bitter feelings may come back at some point, but right now I'm feeling like life is sweet. My skin is still red, but it hasn't gotten any worse. The nurses keep saying that it's really not bad at all actually, and they have seen so much worse after a much shorter length of time. Good thing I've always loved lotion...my overuse of it seems to have helped me during this time! My arm is feeling better too, which is a huge relief. I also got some awesome news from my "little" brother this week. He and his gorgeous wife found out they will be having a little boy next January. A new nephew!!!! Can life get any sweeter than that?! And nothing against them at all, because of course that's fantastic news..but the BEST part of my life right now is that I only have 4 more treatments!!!!!!!! Four. I can bang that ...

I'm bitter today. Bitter that this has become my life and that every single day I feel some sort of pain. My arm has been hurting a lot lately. My hernia incision is hurting too. I wonder if the price of saving my life has cost me the ability to ever have a day with no pain again. Is this nerve damage ever going to heal itself?!  To top it off, radiation is finally getting the best of me. I am completely exhausted all the time, and my skin is burning. I've got a perfect red square over the whole area that's being radiated and it's getting worse by the hour today. I'm embarrassed that I cried the whole way home from radiation today. I'm bitter that this is my life. I'm bitter that this happened to me. And I'm mad at myself for feeling this way. I also thought I was over what happened last summer, but Thursday is the anniversary of my d&c. I can accept what happened, and even believe that it happening saved my life. But the events of that day are sti...

Two posts in one day...a record for me! I can't believe it's 10:30 at night on August 2nd and I JUST now realized that it's AUGUST! My "active" treatment ends THIS month!!! THIS month!! Clearly I'm very excited about this - and I felt this deserves it's own post. I can't believe I'm in the final month of treatment (besides the tamoxifen of course). I think August may be my new favorite month!

I've learned this year a lot about what I can and can't do. Apparently I can undergo and recover from a double mastectomy, I can handle 8 rounds of chemo, I seem to be handling radiation okay as well. What I can't handle though, is walking the mall in 4" wedges. Reagan and I went to the mall yesterday to run some errands. I was feeling good, and thought I'd try and wear my new wedges. All of a sudden, in the middle of the mall, my ankle twists and I started falling. A normal persons reaction would be to put their arms down to brace the fall. Not me. I threw my hands up to make sure my hat stayed on. Bad enough creating a scene by falling on your face, there's no need to scare everyone with the baby bird like head of hair I've got going on now. I was a bit impressed with my thought process and cat like reflexes though. I knew I couldn't let my hat fall off, and I also knew it was going to hurt when I landed. So I twisted my body to land on my "mea...