My "Mamm"wars: Fighting to Survive Stage 4 Breast Cancer

What a shit show the past few days have been. Everything was going great, I was feeling great, and then BAM! Tuesday after school I felt a bit run down but nothing too bad. I decided to stay home Wednesday just to play it safe. Well that's when shit spiraled out of control. My temp kept going up, I couldn't stay awake, I was essentially a giant mess. I found myself in the ER on Thursday after my temp spiked to 102.4. Within a few hours, it was confirmed I had the flu. The doctors admitted me to the ICU because my blood pressure and heart rate weren't stabilizing. To make matters worse, I had already infected Matt with my flu and he was in no shape to come be with me. It was a pretty scary time, but the nurses all made me feel very comfortable and well taken care of. They immediately started me on Tamiflu and antibiotics. They took bloodwork every three hours due to a fear of sepsis, and loaded me up with 2 liters of fluid. The next day I was moved out of ICU into a regular ...

I write often about how much I love my job. Besides marriage and motherhood, it is the most rewarding part of my life. Last Saturday was the annual dinner dance and auction where the 8th graders put on a little show for their parents. This year, the moms in charge tailored the 8th graders activity portion to suit them. That means less dancing on their part and more heartfelt tributes. They did a great job... as I knew they would. They wrote a very sweet thank you note to everyone who helped them along the way. When it came to the part where they thanked me, the DJ started playing "Fight Song," and I was called up to the stage. I knew they had something planned, but I didn't expect anything more than some kind words. I certainly didn't expect to be called up to the stage. They proceeded to gift me with a few of my favorite things: Diet Pepsi, Peet's coffee, Sour Patch Kids, and pink roses. I was too shocked to listen to everything that was said, but it was evident ...

I think my cancer has made me more witty. I've been noticing over the past few months that my one liners are quicker, my ability to make puns has increased, and I am all around a more funny person than I was before. Although, "funny" is subjective, so not everyone may agree with this observation. Matt has always been the absolute most funny person I've ever known, so keeping up with him is difficult. If I can make him laugh, I know I've succeeded. I don't know what to attribute this change in my humor too...maybe it's simply that I just don't care anymore. I feel like having cancer gives me a pass in a lot of areas. I can get away with more.... So why not use it to my advantage. This past week both Matt and I have been able to use our wit with telemarketers. He told me his story yesterday by starting out with "You may or may not find this funny, but...." Umm, when you start out like that, I immediately become nervous. Then he tells me how a...

Time is just flying by these days... I guess that's partly because I am feeling so much better now that the chemo haze is lifting. I just finished week 2 of my first month of iBrance. I am excited to report that there have been relatively no side effects. My energy is coming back, although I am still pretty beat by the end of the day at work. I am not sleeping all weekend, and have had a few really good, really busy weekends lately. I had my second round of Faslodex shots last Friday. It hurt a LOT more this past time. I think it's because the nurse pushed it faster than the first time. My poor sweet little ass is bruised and sore. The biggest side effect from the Faslodex is fatigue, which, compared to the chemo side effects, is totally livable. I CAN do this!!! We just have to hope this treatment works for a LONG time. In amazing news.... I was accepted to go to Lourdes in May with the Order of Malta. The Order of Malta and the Knights of Columbus take 50 people every yea...

Looks like things are all starting to come together. I had my Zometa infusion along with my first two Faslodex shots on Friday. The shot is the biggest needle I have ever seen, except for the epidural needle. Interestingly enough though, it didn't hurt at all. It was just the tiniest little pinch in each butt cheek. Friday afternoon I got a call from the specialty prescription drug company. The iBrance has been approved and I will get my first shipment on Tuesday! The lady explained that every month I will get a phone call about 8-10 days before my drugs are shipped. They need to have a verbal confirmation from me that I am expecting the delivery. It's shipped via FedEx and I will have to be home to sign for it. It seems SO big time. Then, she says "After insurance the co pay is $2,000 a month," at which point my knees literally buckled and I had to catch myself from falling. She continued "so I already submitted you for financial aid from Pfizer and it has...

Well, it's official. Chemo and I are on a break. I know the news is good and I should be excited, and I'm getting there...but this news is met with mixed emotions. What if the new meds don't work? What if the tumors grow? What if, what if, what if..... We met with Dr. Adler yesterday and he didn't have any new news regarding my scan. In fact, he said the decrease in the liver tumor was so slight that it pretty much "remained stable." I know that stable is good in my case, but I feel like he took what little hope I had away. That, and when I asked some questions about the iBrance he said "It may reduce the size of the tumors, it may keep them stable, or it may not work at all." I totally get that he has to say all of this, and it's his job, etc. but I am just feeling sorry for myself that he can't say I'm going to be okay. I know no one can ever say that to me now. And it sucks. The plan is to start the Faslodex shots this Friday. I...

Apparently old rock music is my "thing" this week. As my favorite band from Sacramento, Tesla, sings, "Signs, signs, everywhere there's signs..." I am constantly looking for and asking for signs, and today I got a big one. The contrast dye from the scan on Monday gave me a terrible, horrible, no-good rash all over. I've been trying to not rip my eyeballs out for the past two days, and my skin looks like I spent a few hours in a fake tanning booth. I called Dr. Adler yesterday and he said to take Benadryl. It seemed to work for a little bit, but today around lunch time I blew up again. I called Dr. Adler's office again left  a message for my nurse, Suzanne, to call me back. I packed up and left work then. As I was driving past the church my phone rang, so I pulled into the rectory parking lot. Suzanne was telling me that she would call in a prescription for prednisone for my rash. At that point I casually mentioned that I really didn't want to wai...