My "Mamm"wars: Fighting to Survive Stage 4 Breast Cancer

It's taken me a full 24 hours to process our meeting at UCSF yesterday. Matt and I left and were both completely blown away and in awe of Dr. Rugo.   I have no idea really what she said. She was hands down the smartest person both Matt and I have ever met. I wish my brother Chris was with us at the meeting... he would have known exactly what to ask, what she was saying, and been able to translate for us. We spent almost two hours with her. We have a plan, and I have a LOT more information than I had before. We first started going over my history.  Essentially she said that it's crazy (although she used a way more scientific word than "crazy") that my cancer came back. She acknowledged that I did EVERYTHING I could to beat it, and followed a very strict and harsh protocol. So she said our first step is to find out why. That's the million dollar question. I have been asking God why...but Dr. Rugo is the one who may actually be able to answer it. (Although I think ...

Today was the big day. I woke up feeling confident and great. Matt and I went to lunch and headed to Dr. Adler's office. My appointments are usually at 2:00, so we arrived a tad early at 1:40. Turns out today's appointment wasn't until 2:30. Seriously, waiting that extra half an hour almost put my nerves over the edge. After what seemed like forever, we finally saw Dr. Adler. Then he about killed me when he started the appointment discussing everything BUT the scan results. I've been having some neuropathy and so we talked about that and other side effects. I was grasping onto my grandma's rosary and I think I almost broke the beads off with stress and anticipation. Then I heard what sounded like music to my ears: "The CT scan shows improvement." He went on to explain that the tumors in my liver have shrunk, the bones have stayed stable, and there is NO EVIDENCE of cancer in my lungs!!! I started crying a little. Then he went on to say that there are t...

Today was the day of the much anticipated scan. As I've had two CT scans since diagnosis, I know the drill and it didn't seem like it would be a big deal. Matt and I arrived at 8:00 am, and they handed over the disgusting drink that I had to finish in an hour. I love that they make sure to let you know it was flavored with Crystal Light, to enhance the flavor. I can only imagine how nasty it would taste without the Crystal Light. It seriously tastes like rancid orange juice. But, a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do...so I gulped it down as quickly as I could. A little after 9 they called me back for the actual scan. This is when things took a turn for the worse. I told the scanners that they could use my port as it's a "Power Port." The hospital didn't have documentation of this though and said that it is NOT a "power port" and they needed to start an IV. I knew they weren't right but figured I'd let them try and find a vein. B...

I've been meaning to post an update for a long time now, but time eludes me. A few weeks ago, the community came together in the most amazing way. They organized a "Light the Night" walk for me, and other sick members of the community. The event was put together in a few weeks and coincided with a visit from my Aunt (and godmother) Gina and Uncle Kevin. It started in the school yard with the selling of paper lanterns and fabric squares that everyone wrote their sweet sentiments on. The SR choir sang "This Little Light of Mine," followed by a group of women singing "I'll Stand by You." Well, clearly at this point I was already crying. But the waterworks really started after when Fr. Tony, my sister in law Lisa, and then my group of girls; Jess, Airen and Trish all read poems and blessed me.  It's a good thing I had a hat and mask on my face (due to low white blood cells) or I would have really been frightening looking. From the yard, we walked (...

On Monday, I gave a speech at our school's annual Women's Guild Breast Cancer Awareness meeting. My friend video taped it on her phone. I knew I was speaking, but had nothing prepared. Here is my off the cuff speech for your viewing pleasure. I've had mixed reviews about the audio... most everyone can hear it though.

It started with the hurricanes, then the shooting in Las Vegas, and now the fires in Northern California (and this isn't even reaching into the global perspective). We can't escape the devastation everywhere. It's overwhelming to me at times. It takes my breath away and makes me realize that I am but one small person in this big world full of craziness.  Matt says it doesn't diminish my own feelings about my situation. But for me, it makes me realize that I'm not the only one suffering. So many others are experiencing even greater suffering right now. Like I said, sometimes it's too much for me to bear and I find myself just sobbing. The pain so many people are feeling right now is heartbreaking.  I realize how these people lost their lives in the blink of an eye...literally. I have been given quite the cross to bear, but I have TIME. There is no expiration date on my life yet (well, there IS..but only God knows that date right now). I have the ability to tell t...

Today, Matt and I celebrate 13 years of wedded bliss. 13 years isn't that many in the scheme of life and especially in comparison to our role models, however we've certainly packed a lot into our 13 years. We've faced adversity several times and without fail it's made us stronger. But the past 13 years has had it's share of incredible times as well. I think about our relationship, and our love, and while we are just your average, run of the mill couple... I feel extremely lucky and grateful. I know this love that I never knew could exist. Even though my life clearly isn't perfect now, I have experienced something that so many people only dream of. I know with 1000% certainty what it's like to be truly, deeply loved. And I know what it's like to truly, deeply love someone with my whole heart. (Not counting my children of course).  In fact, a few weeks ago I was having a random conversation with Reagan. There was nothing out of the ordinary about it at fir...