My "Mamm"wars: Fighting to Survive Stage 4 Breast Cancer

It doesn't seem like I do much these days, yet I have been too busy to blog in a while. Last week my hair started falling out. I was told it "probably" wouldn't happen. It did. Big time. I was combing my hair in the shower and chunks just came out. I cried, I was mad, then I remembered how much I like being bald and it got better. It's just hard this time since I have no end date for chemo...at least last time I knew it was 8 rounds. Now...it's a forever thing. Sucks. Bone infusion was last Thursday. I had an appointment with Dr. Adler first, which went well. He told me he's not a fan of scans... I told him I AM, at this point, a big fan of scans. So my next scan is tentatively set for the first week of November. Once I have an actual date, I can call UCSF and make an appointment there for the following week. I'm excited to go there and hear what they have to say. I'm excited (and nervous) for the scans because I want proof that the chemo is wo...

My second chemo infusion was on Friday. I got a little cocky this time... Saturday was Reagan's birthday so I wanted to be up and about for it. I pushed myself too hard with going to Charlie's soccer game Sat morning, and then to the SR festival Sat night. I only stayed for two hours, long enough to feel sorry for myself that I couldn't hang out with my friends and play games like usual. But by 7 pm, I needed to get back to bed. The girls had a blast, as they always do, at festival. It was a weekend of eating too much junk, staying up too late, and winning "prizes" that will be left all over the house for weeks to come. Reagan is used to sharing her birthday with festival. Her birthday hit me kind of hard this year. All I can think is "how many more birthdays will I get to spend with her?" I spent a good portion of Saturday morning crying. I chalk it up to the emotions of her birthday and my fear of the future mixed with the chemo. My girl is 11 now, a...

This weekend I've been feeling angry... and pissed off... and frustrated. I'm tired of this. I'm tired of being sick. I'm tired of it hurting every time I walk,  I'm tired of having to think about things like "how am I going to get out of bed with the least amount of pain." I'm tired and angry of seeing that look in people's eyes when they talk to me like I'm already in the grave. I'm angry that sometimes I feel like I am the only one who has faith that I can live for many more years still. It's pissing me off to no end. Even people I love and count on have been treating me like I'm one foot in the grave. Yes, even Matt got a tongue lashing from me last night at festival when he was treating me with kid gloves. I know he does it out of love and a feeling of wanting to do anything to make my life easier, but come on.. I CAN stand and watch a friend do karaoke.. I don't need to be in a chair all the time like I'm one br...

 I woke up Friday morning feeling nervous and anxious. No one is ever EXCITED to go to chemo, no one wakes up saying "Oh YEAH!! I get to have poison injected into my sweet little body today in the hopes it kills some cancer cells!" Especially when it's the first go round with a chemo drug...the side effects are a mystery and it's all very disconcerting. Yet, deep down I knew that it was high time we got this show on the road. Matt and I showed up promptly at 2, ready for my infusion. I could NOT keep my eyes open. Exhausted is an understatement for how I felt. I'm assuming my body was still recovering from the horrible events of earlier in the week, mixed with my normal reaction of wanting to sleep when I am nervous. Regardless, chemo is something that can easily be done with the patient asleep so it wasn't a big deal. The infusion lasted 90 minutes total... not bad considering my previous chemo infusions would last up to four hours. We were in and out, an...

Last week was such a good week. It was the first full week back to school, Chris was coming into town for a weekend visit, and we were all heading to Pine Mountain Lake for the long weekend. What could go wrong? Ha... everything.  My right side was hurting a bit on Friday and it was getting harder to get up and down from a sitting position. This happens occasionally so I didn't think too much of it. I chalked it up to a long week of work and being tired. Nothing a relaxing, do nothing, weekend wouldn't cure. Chris, Reagan and I drove up to the mountains in my little Honda. Matt and Charlie took the truck. We all got up there about 11:30 Friday night. I was beat and the pain was worse, traveling is not the easiest thing for my body these days.  Saturday I woke up completely unable to move, to stand up and walk, sit or do anything without an excruciating amount of pain. My ribs were seizing up and I couldn't breathe. I couldn't go from a lying position to ...