My "Mamm"wars: Fighting to Survive Stage 4 Breast Cancer

The results are in and they are absolutely not what we were hoping for or expecting. I officially suck at reading CT Scan results. My sister in law, Jess, came with me to the appointment yesterday since Matt had to work. I wasn't expecting bad news as I figured it was time we heard something GOOD, so I told him to save his time off for when I really need him. Well, turns out I really needed him yesterday. The cancer is active in my lungs and liver as well as my bones. F*$%!!!! As hard as I tried to remain strong, I broke down crying in Dr. Adler's office. So did Jess, and Dr. Adler himself was a little teary eyed. He said I "hopefully" have a few years left. Well, he has no idea how hard I'm about to fight...although it's taken me a full 24 hours to process the news and get to this point. The news seemed to continue to get worse. Originally treatment was going to be hormone based pills, immunotherapy stuff. But due to the fact that my liver and lungs are...

The past few days I've been a little on edge. Matt delicately tried to tell me it was nerves about today's CT Scan. I thought that was a little crazy. I mean it's just a simple test, right? And I don't even get the results today. I assumed the edginess would come on Wednesday and Thursday when the results are imminent.  I woke up this morning feeling nervous and yet almost excited to get this done. I am tired of sitting around thinking about what's coming... I want to start taking action against this cancer. My phone was pinging all morning with texts from friends wishing me good luck. Some included photos of their cute pets,  which Reagan LOVED. Another group of friends went to 8:30 mass at our church to pray for me. What more can a girl ask for than to be so clearly loved and cherished by so many people? CT Scan was scheduled for 10:00. No one told me I needed to arrive at 9 to drink the nasty drink. But they were accommodating anyway and didn't turn me aw...

Today was one of those days that no parent ever wants to have. The day you actually break your children's hearts. Matt came home today after work and before he went to school. We had lunch together, and then gathered the girls in the living room. I don't even know how I mustered the strength to do it, but I managed to tell the girls that the leg pains I've been having are because my cancer has come back. They immediately started bawling... as did Matt and I. I told them it was okay to cry and be scared and that Daddy and I are also sad and scared, but that I wanted them to listen to all of the information also. Over the next half hour or so, we went over everything that we know, what tests are coming up, and stressed that we need to really stick together as a family and trust that we will get through this. We talked about God's plan for us, and that we need to have faith. Matt and I reassured them that their lives won't change that much. They will still play sport...

What a roller coaster the past two weeks have been. We arrived in London on July 1 and spent the week relaxing with Chris, Hannah and the twins. I had no choice but to take it easy...much easier than I ever have before when travelling. My body was wracked with pain the first day here. But at the same time, it was nice having a week of just being Londoners and not crazy tourists that pack too much into a day. We went to the London Zoo one day, and the Princess Diana Memorial Playground on the grounds of Kensington Palace; both of which were really cool places we had never been. Other than that the girls and the twins' nanny just hit up different parks when I need to rest and take it easy. Last Friday we took off for a week in Sicily. What an amazing place Sicily is. The girls loved it, although I think they would have loved anywhere as long as Felix and Ellie were there. While the landscape was gorgeous, and the company incomparable...thoughts of reality were never far from my min...