My "Mamm"wars: Fighting to Survive Stage 4 Breast Cancer

After Friday's radiation session, I am officially at the halfway point. There are moments I feel really good about this - like the end is soooo close I can feel it. And then there are moments that I feel like I want to cry because I still have 14 more sessions. Those moments are usually at the end of the week, when I'm sooo tired and worn out. But it really doesn't matter how I feel, because I have to do it regardless. Last week we made a "countdown to Disneyland" poster. Reagan puts a sticker in a square on the Mickey face we drew each night before bed. She loves the poster and gets excited each night when one more square is full, and therefore one day closer to our fab vacation. I get excited too- because I know it means one day closer to the end for me. Other than my overwhelming desire to be done with treatment, radiation is still relatively easy. It's a walk in the park compared to chemo. I get tired for about an hour after treatment every day, but us...

The past few days have been full of nice surprises. Friday night I found an invitation mixed in with Reagan's schoolwork for a friend's birthday party...the NEXT day. Good thing I found it in time! We ended up all going, and having a nice time as a family, and with Reagan's friends' families. Then, we learned that my cousin Jennifer and her family had made it to California!! They are in the midst of what seems like one of the coolest vacations ever. They bought an RV and are touring the country. They arrived in the Bay Area yesterday and we had them over for dinner. It was such a fun night. I loved watching the girls play with their little cousins from NY! And I loved catching up with Jen and Gary - and hearing all about this fabulous vacation. I'm determined to do something similar when the girls are a bit older! Today was back to the grind though. I'm feeling pretty tired, but otherwise good. I even took my time getting ready today. But when I walked b...

My hair is growing back!!! On my head, at least. I keep trying to not look at it and examine it every day, but it's hard when I spend so much time home alone. But there is honest to goodness hair growth going on! Sadly, I see a few gray ones in the mix. And I won't be able to dye it for at least a year (have to wait until all the chemo is totally out of my system or crazy stuff can happen with the color). Matt was joking this morning that it would be funny if my hair looks like his. Umm.. funny HOW my love?! But it was funny when we started thinking of Halloween costumes we could dress up as together.... On a more interesting note, my eyelashes and eyebrows continue to fall out. I have 2 eyelashes on my right eye, and about 6 on my left. The brows are SO bad that I had to break out the eyebrow kit I got back in February. I had a doctor appointment this morning and lost track of time. I was rushing to put my "face" on and on my way out I asked Matt how my brows looke...

Yesterday was one of my worst days since chemo. I felt nauseous from mid morning on. I had to ask Matt to drive me down to radiation even. It's a good thing I did though, as soon as I got out of the car I got sick all over the hospital parking garage. Yikes!! I haven't done that in a parking lot since college.  I did learn something from my Santa Barbara days - I managed to keep my shoes and pants clean, and I didn't have to worry about holding my hair back! I'm pretty sure the maintenance guy wasn't as impressed with me as I was though.... I made it through radiation, and crawled into bed with my little barf bag when I got home. Sadly my ativan didn't work like I hoped it would. I was hoping to just sleep until this morning, but no such luck. I spiraled down into a sad, blubbering mess. All of these scary thoughts came rushing into my brain - morbid thoughts too, like what will I tell the girls if this comes back. Oh, it was bad. By 9:00 I still wasn't as...

I hate vicodin. I hate being in pain. I hate that I feel like this whole year is going to waste. And, once again, I have no patience. The doctor said it would be a week before I felt better after this surgery. It's been 4 days and I'm sooo over it. It hurts if I move too fast, or in even slightly the wrong way. And by "hurt" I mean it feels like a grizzly bear is trying to rip it's way out of my belly. I promised myself I wouldn't rush this recovery. The last thing I want is to have this hernia come back. But I'm soo freaking bored. I'm tired of looking around and seeing dishes and laundry that need to be done, toys that should be picked up, and dog hair all over the floor. Granted, vacuuming usually doesn't do much about the dog hair, but at least I would FEEL like I'm doing something. I know that come next week, I'll be feeling better and be able to clean. I also know that most people would love an excuse to NOT do dishes or laundry. Bu...

Well, my alien is gone. Surgery went off without a hitch...well, once the anesthesiologist was able to find a vein, that is. Chemo has apparently really thrashed my veins. The poor Dr. couldn't find anything in my left arm after trying everything - heat, smacking it, a crazy tight tourniquet, etc. Then we decided he should try the right arm, even though it runs the risk of causing me lymphedema. After four pokes, and no luck, he tried my feet. He couldn't find anything on my left leg, and finally used my right ankle. Let me tell you, and IV in the ankle may be one of the most painful things I have ever experienced. Both mentally and physically. The nurse mentioned to me that usually they only use that vein in women over 50 because after 50 it becomes much more prominent. Umm.. okay...thanks?!  Surgery took a little over an hour, I think. I woke up around 10ish to that familiar groggy, nauseous feeling. I had to wait an hour or so before they discharged me...

Years ago (okay, fine...decades ago) in high school some boy jokingly called me Sigourney Weaver. I don't remember all of the details of how or why that nickname came about, but it's sort of funny that she and I do have a lot in common now. Well, the Sigourney Weaver of 1997 or whenever "Aliens" came out. Bald, badass, and with an alien growing inside of us!! My alien will be removed tomorrow morning though, Thank GOD! I'm SO over having this gross bump that hurts more and more every day. The other day I couldn't even put my jeans on without it pinching my little alien baby. It turns out I'm developing a "day before surgery" routine. I go shopping. Today it was the first ever "Back to School" shopping for Reagan! She starts Kindergarten next month, so I figured we should get her some new clothes before the full effects of radiation kick in and I'm too tired. (Wait.... I don't think anything will ever make me "too tired...

This weekend was the 2011 Avon Walk to end breast cancer in San Francisco. A while ago I wrote about how my dad, Colleen, Jess, and Matt's cousins and aunt were all walking. I was looking forward to the walk because it would mean my chemo was over. I know my dad, Colleen and Nell (and probably all the ladies) were looking forward to it so that IT would be over! Well, we spent the past two days out there cheering them on and they all did AMAZING. My dad finished the first day in 7 hours...that's craziness! But they all were so inspiring and just phenomenal. The magnitude of the whole event really took an emotional toll on me. There were thousands of people out there walking, volunteering, and spectating. They ALL either know someone who was diagnosed with breast cancer, or WILL know someone. Maggie and Amy have done this walk 4 times now. When they started walking, they didn't personally know anyone who had breast cancer. Now they ...

These are the significant numbers in my life this past week. Charlie girl turned 2 on June 29th and we celebrated her birthday with a great Elmo party last Saturday. Jess helped me plan, organize, and execute the party, and I have to say..it was a huge success. The kids bounced their hearts out in the giant bounce house, tried to whack the Elmo pinata, and enjoyed lots of yummy food. I was especially happy to celebrate my baby girl's 2nd birthday. Once again I realized how lucky we were to find the cancer early and take aggressive action so that I can enjoy so many more of my girls' birthdays. 4th of July was yesterday. I've always loved the 4th of July. It's a relatively low stress holiday full of family, fun, and usually good BBQ. It's also the date Matt and I met - in the wee hours of the morning on July 4, 2000. Yesterday marked the 11 year anniversary of our fateful (and not very sober) meeting. It's strange to think about how much has happened over the p...