My "Mamm"wars: Fighting to Survive Stage 4 Breast Cancer

14 days from now I will be done with chemo. Two weeks. I feel like I've got this in the bag now. I can't even believe it..and when I think about it, I get a bit teary eyed. I remember so clearly how bad round 1 was. How I felt like my body literally wouldn't make it, and mentally I wouldn't survive this. But here I am, just two weeks, 1 infusion, 4 hours of being stuck to an IV, until I'm at the end of this chapter. (Well, not counting the following 3 days of Neupogen shots.) Round 7 was a piece of cake so far. Lisa was sweet enough to come with me today, since Matt's still got his nasty virus. We thought the other patients would be less than impressed if we waltzed in with him hacking up a lung. The plan was for Lisa and I to have a full day of Scrabble play - since we're both Scrabble addicts. But instead we ended up just chatting the whole time. It was really nice to catch up. Lately when we hang out with the kids, our time is taken up with playing with...

Yesterday was a very busy day for us. Reagan graduated from preschool and then had orientation at her kindergarten. I was sure at some point I would be brought to tears, but at no point during the day did I feel sad. In fact, it was a very exciting day all around, and I'm not sure who is more excited for Kindergarten - Reagan or me. Graduation was the cutest thing with all the kids in their miniature gowns and paper caps. There were pictures of all of the graduating kids up with their answer to the question "When I grow up I want to be a...."  Reagan's answer was "a Cheerleader." And even though the whole ceremony was only a half hour long, I got that excited feeling that I get at all graduations. That this is just the beginning. She literally has so much ahead of her that is going to be really exciting. She can be anything she wants to be and it's going to be so fun to watch her come into her own. Matt and I also joked how this was probably the...

I haven't been feeling very well lately. I totally lost my voice on Sunday, and since then have had a raging sore throat, a cough that is getting worse, and pain in my left ear. These are not good things under any circumstance, let alone while undergoing chemo. The only saving grace is that at no point have I had a fever. While I never forget that I'm in the midst of chemo, I do sometimes forget how important it is to keep my doctors aware of these things - they seem so trivial to me. I'm so used to joking about my "superior immune system" like I have for years. For so long I escaped all of the colds, flus, etc that ran through our house.Turns out the jokes on me now! Matt convinced me to call today and Suzanne fit me in this morning. The verdict is that I have a borderline sinus and ear infection. Technically I can say that the chemo lowered my white blood cell count considerably so my "superior immune system" has been temporarily compromised. ...

I turned 37 yesterday. I never thought this would be my life when I turned 37. But then again, cancer or not, life doesn't always go according to plan. In fact, one of my favorite quotes is "Life happens while you're making other plans." At no point did I think I would be bald, in the midst of chemo treatments, and sore as hell at this stage in my life. Yet that's exactly how it went down. And oddly enough, it was one of my best birthdays ever. I woke up to Matt and the girls giving me cards, presents and a nice cup of hot tea. After I asked Reagan if she could count to 37 and she responded "um.. no.." I checked my Facebook real quick to find this picture of Hannah, who ran the "Race for Life" 5k in London yesterday. Needless to say, it brought me to tears and even choked Matt up a bit. We went out to breakfast literally first thing in the morning. In fact, we got there so early, we weren't even sure if the restaurant was open. Break...

Today is so much better for me mentally, yet so much worse for me physically. I'm back to feeling confident and good about where I am with my diagnosis and treatment.. and even with my imperfect body. Yet the Taxol has once again made it's presence known in my joints. I keep thinking of the movie "Misery," even though I know it was his ankles that were hobbled. My knees feel like Kathy Bates had a go at them for sure. At least I know that by Saturday I'll be back to "normal" for another week though... Even though the Taxol really does a number on my joints, I still think the Neupogen is the worst part of these rounds. The injections burn for a few hours afterwards, they bruise immediately, and leave me with random swelling. I've been hanging out on the Lazy Boy all evening rotating the heating pad from knees, to hips, to belly. Seriously, I'm so ready for the nursing home..... This week has been less than stellar in our house. Between my ha...

I'm in a funk today. I went to bed feeling okay, and woke up feeling like a little old lady. My hips, knees, and back are feeling the all too familiar pain. I went down for my second Neupogen shot today and I've decided I'm just so tired of making that drive- although it is very scenic, so I shouldn't complain too much. For some reason my body doesn't like the Neupogen I don't think. The shots burn, they make me swell, and I have a huge bruise on my belly from yesterday's shot. The nurse who administered the shot today noticed my abdominal scar and asked about it. Nothing like bringing attention to something I'm already self conscious about... so maybe that's contributing to my funk. Clearly I know that scar is there...I see it every day. But every so often it reminds me of how much has changed in such a short period of time, and how I'm scarred for life - in more ways than one. Thank God I'm so close to the end, or I'd really be a ...

I'm just home from Round 6. As usual it was pretty uneventful and I slept through a good portion of it. I was a little concerned they wouldn't do the treatment today since I seem to have caught Reagan's cough. But lucky enough it didn't prevent us from going through with it. The last thing I'd want is to have a treatment put off at this point. Jess came with me again today as Matt is laid up with the flu (we can't seem to get rid of this nasty bug). But while sitting through treatment is boring, it's a chance for us to catch up on our celebrity gossip. Right now I'm exhausted and a bit out of it. I feel like a cat is sitting on my tongue. I'm thirsty but nothing tastes good again, and food is not appetizing - yet I'm starving. Basically the run of the mill chemo week routine that I've gotten so used to by now. But the best part of today is that I'm done with round 6. Only 2 more to go! I'm sooooo close to the end...the light at th...

Over the past few weeks my eyes have been tearing up. A lot. At first I chalked it up to allergies and didn't think twice about it. My nose was running, my eyes were watering, the newscasters kept saying how bad this year is for allergies, etc. Every morning (on my good days) I would wake up with Charlie and sit with her as we both woke up. Tears would be pouring out of my eyes, she would be so compassionate and give me tons of hugs and kisses, saying "you feel better, Mommy?" or "you okay, Mommy?" I started to use it as a ruse to get loads of love from her every morning. But instead of getting better, it slowly got worse. Now my eyes produce tears at any given time, all day long. Matt and I are used to it, Charlie still is very concerned and will give me hugs and kisses on demand, and Reagan is indifferent and just announces deadpan "your eyes are watering again, Mommy."  Suzanne confirmed at my appointment today that it's another awesome side eff...

This Mother's Day will be very memorable for me for a few reasons. Mostly, because everything that's happened this year has made me even more grateful to be here with my family - and to realize just how blessed I am to be called "Mommy" by my two amazing, beautiful, and hilarious girls. When you're married to a police officer, or anyone who works weekends for that matter, Mother's Day isn't guaranteed to be a relaxing day. But seeing as how I've had a lot of "days off" this year, I didn't mind waking up at 6:30 with the girls, opening the handmade cards they made for me (which are the BEST gifts ever!) and spending the whole day with them. Matt had to work both Saturday and Sunday nights, so after our fun bbq at Pat and Jess' house, he had to leave us. Which meant that we ordered pizza for dinner, watched way too much tv, had baths and dessert and then hit the hay. Or so I thought.... Poor Reagan woke up around 10 puking everywher...

Well, once again the doctors were right. They really do know their stuff. They said the pain would set in 2-3 days after treatment. The did NOT lie. I started feeling it last night in my hips and pelvis. It steadily got worse throughout the night, and this morning my back, hips, and knees felt like someone snuck in and beat me with a bat last night. Matt's been on me all day to keep up with the vicodin, but it doesn't even really help with the pain. It's this consistent aching that just won't go away. I'm trusting the doctors though since they are clearly the experts...they said it lasts 2-3 days. So I figure I've got one day down, and 1-2 to go. I had my third and final Neupogen shot for this round today. Which means I can officially put round 5 in the books. Unfortunately, I think I may have to call and make an appointment tomorrow though if this random swelling in my abdomen doesn't go down. I noticed it start a few hours after the shot, and of course h...

Dare I say it...so far, so good. Yesterday's treatment was exhausting as usual. Luckily they found a vein on the first try though. Unfortunately, it was a small vein so there is a lot of pain around the entrance site. But that's literally the only pain I have today - so it's very manageable. The actual infusion was very long, over 4 hours. But Jess came with me so Matt didn't have to take any more time off work. She now knows how utterly boring it is to sit with someone for the majority of a day during chemo. Of course she didn't complain once. My nurse, Amy, warned me of what may come this week. Taxol side effects are very different from the AC. In fact, I didn't even have to take the Emend anti nausea drug since nausea isn't really a big issue with Taxol. Yay for that!! However bone and joint pain apparently is a big side effect. She said to take my steroid in the morning and then a vicodin PLUS Advil in the afternoon. Anytime I'm told to take vicodi...