My "Mamm"wars: Fighting to Survive Stage 4 Breast Cancer

Sometimes the smallest thing gives me a chuckle. This isn't any kind of new trait I've acquired - I've always been easily amused. But nowadays I find I am amused by some rather odd, maybe even morbid, stuff. When Reagan was born, we decided to be responsible and take out really good (i.e. high) life insurance policies for both Matt and myself. We filled out all the paperwork, did the percentage of how much to take on each of us (some ratio based on our respective salaries), and let the funny man in the lab coat and rubber gloves come into our home and take our blood. A week later, our agent told me that my policy was approved already. He said that it was the fastest approval he has ever seen, and that I was in pristine health. They approved me at the lowest rate possible. We were thrilled to hear this, of course, as we knew that the simple fact that Matt is a police officer would mean he would NOT get the lowest rate possible. Sure enough, my policy costs us 1/4 of what...

Friday afternoon was one of the most enjoyable days I've had in a long time. After my appointment with Dr. Griffin, Jess and I went wig shopping. REAL wig shopping - not Krusty the Clown shopping! And whenever Jess and I shop for anything, wine is usually involved. Two wig shops and one sports bar later, I am the proud owner of a new hairpiece. My first inclination was to be bold and fun. I wanted to sport something different than I ever have. But the afternoon proved to me that some people are born with the hair they have for a reason. My new 'do isn't too different from the hair I've sported since 8th grade (when the Sun-In finally grew out that is). Long and brown. It's straight though, unlike my natural hair - so I guess that's as bold as I can go. The truth is though, I'm just not meant to be a blond or a redhead. Short bangs are sooooooo not for me - actually, short short hair is soooo not for me either. Which makes me concerned about how I'm goi...

I'm now 5 weeks post op. I can't believe it. It feels like just yesterday that I was gearing up for this huge surgery. Now, I'm pretty much back to "normal" with just some minor restrictions. I am feeling really good both physically and emotionally lately too! This past week we were so busy with several appointments each day. Tuesday started off with my follow up visit with Dr. Metkus. She confirmed that everything is healing perfectly, and said I won't have to see her again for another year! And from then on I will see her yearly for a skin check - since there is no breast tissue left I will never need another mammogram/ultrasound/MRI, etc. There is something to be said for that. But then again, it's the exact reason why I opted for the "doublay." Dr. Metkus also stressed the importance of my being uber careful with my right arm and the need to be vigilant about lymphedema. To be honest, at this point I'm almost more scared of developing l...

I haven't been sleeping well lately. Which really sucks because I enjoy sleep... a lot. I'm now exhausted all day long, and when night falls, I get some crazy second wind. I can catch maybe 3-4 hours of sleep a night and that's about it. As I lay here awake each night, my mind wanders. Last night I was preoccupied by the strange concept of how people say I'm "sick." I can't bring myself to say this. I've never felt sick once since I was diagnosed. I feel fine. I feel sore still..but not sick. Never sick. As chemo approaches, I realize that I'm about to look sick. Which is funny because the chemo is what is going to make me "better." But in order to be getting "better," I now will have to look sick. Technically can I even say that I have cancer now?! I want to say a big "Hell to the NO!" on that one. They took all of the (known) cancer out of my body. The chemo is preventative treatment to kill any floating cancer c...

Today was the big day - we met with Dr. Adler and got my chemo regimen. I'm still wrapping my head around it all, yet it's the exact regimen I predicted based on my independent research (commonly known as "Google"). As suspected, due to my age and my tumor markings, we are taking an aggressive approach with treatment. I start with a mixture of Adriamycin and Cytoxan (or AC).They commonly call this cocktail the "Red Devil" - which is funny because if I was at Happy Hour with my girlfriends, I'd totally order a drink called the Red Devil. And interestingly enough, it seems that both of these cocktails render the recipient with the same side effects -  nausea and feeling extremely ill. I will do this every 2 weeks for 4 rounds. The frequency of treatment is called "dose dense" - meaning they administer it in closer intervals so the cancer doesn't have time to build up immunity to it. I will have to take another drug, Neulasta, to help keep...

Ever since I went in for the second mammogram, I've been on a roller coaster ride. I've had some high highs, and some low lows. I've gone from feeling like I'm on top of the world, to crashing down into depression at warp speeds. I'm told this is all normal. Poor Matt..it's not like I was the most emotionally stable person prior to this! Since Sunday though, I've been on another upswing. My pain level is diminishing for the most part (unless I do too much in a day still), and my range of motion for my right arm is improving daily. The exercises my physical therapist has me doing really help work the nerves out and relax them. I've definitely noticed an improvement, and even made myself some lunch yesterday! Yay me! It may be random coincidence, but I'm attributing the rise in my spirit to the new improved range of motion in my arm. I am really starting to feel like myself again. Interestingly enough though, the doctors said it would be a 4-6 week...

This is probably going to be the hardest entry I've written. But I have to do it to remain true to myself and to the original intent of the blog. I've finally realized why I've been so sad this past week though, and in order for me to move on I need to get it all out. On July 3, 2010, we found out we were expecting our third baby. Matt and I were both thrilled and shocked. Before I had Charlotte, a "specialist" in SF advised me I had a 6% chance of conceiving naturally, and said I was at the end of my ovarian reserve. Two weeks later, I found out I was pregnant with Charlie. And then, one week after celebrating her first birthday, I found out I was pregnant again! Talk about beating the odds!!! Sadly, that baby wasn't meant to be a part of our physical family. Towards the end of July I had an ultrasound that showed the baby never grew past 6 weeks gestation. There was never a detectable heartbeat. And on August 11 I had a d&c. I was devastated. It was ...

I'm feeling sad today. I've been fighting this off all week, and it's just overwhelming today. Maybe it's because I'm so tired and can't sleep today. Or maybe it's the side effects of the pain meds...I've never handled those very well. But whatever it is, I'm sad. I feel like even though I'm here, I'm not present in my kids' lives right now. I know it's necessary for me to take care of myself, but the mom in me wants to take care of them, and Matt...not vice versa. The other day Reagan told me I wasn't a "normal" Mommy because I can't take her to the park like other mommies do. To say that shattered my heart would be an understatement. I know it's just for a short period of time that I won't be able to do that, but what I consider a short period of time, and what she considers a short period of time, are two vastly different things. She says she understands that I'm not going to be like this forever, bu...

We met with Dr. Weller yesterday and got the full pathology report back. As he was going over it in detail, I couldn't help but chuckle a little. Each marker indicates how aggressive or non aggressive my cancer is. My family has a running joke about how indecisive we all are. My younger brother is typically the butt of the jokes, but the reality is that none of us California Marcazzos are really good at making decisions. And now, my tumor/cancer has taken on this same trait. It can't seem to decide if it wants to be aggressive or non aggressive. The tumor is 1.6 cm which would be Stage 1 if it hadn't reached my lymph nodes..but we already know that it has. It is both estrogen and progesterone receptor positive making it a bit more aggressive. But it is a grade 2 out of 3 - meaning it isn't very aggressive, but it isn't non aggressive either. It is also Her-2 negative, which is less aggressive. However, here is the kicker: they test for lymph vascular invasion and ...

When Charlotte gets excited about something she's done, she yells out "I did it!" and then does a little dance and claps for herself. She does this for everything - from coloring on a piece of paper, to peeing in the potty. It always makes me laugh and I love how she feels such pride in her accomplishments. Well yesterday, I felt like yelling out "I DID IT!" and doing a dance when Dr. Griffin removed my last drain. I realize it's not a huge accomplishment for most, but for me it was. This process so far has forced me to face things that  normally make me uneasy and grossed out. When I decided to go for the doublay, I didn't know about the drains. And to be honest, when I found out about them, I did second guess my decision. But I knew all along that I couldn't change my mind  because of a few drains. It was something I was going to have to get over. And I DID IT!! Yesterday's appointment with Dr. Griffin may have been my favorite so far. He...

I had a big day yesterday. My parents came down to spend the day with me, which was so nice. We had a great time, but apparently I overdid it with letting Charlie sit on my lap. Not only was my arm screaming in pain all last night, but I was exhausted today. So I did nothing but hang out in bed and relax today. Part of that relaxing included me examining every inch of my body, all of my incisions, and anything I could see without straining myself. I noticed that I was totally wrong before about the number of stitches I have. As crazy as it seems, my entire abdominal incision is glued together. GLUED. I vaguely remember some mention of this in the hospital, back when the morphine was my best friend and all. I assumed I heard wrong. When I had both of my c sections, I had staples that were removed before I left the hospital. How could they GLUE an incision that literally goes from one side of my body to the other?  But sure enough it's peeling off. In large strips....